"You're both being stupid." Sirius once told me as he helped me get two drunks out through the back door of the inn. They were the last ones left and there was no one to see him. "You both love each other, why do you have to go through all this drama? "
"Because he's a self-pitying stubborn fool. I can't have a relationship with someone who is in a constant struggle with himself and the opportunity to be happy.
"And the solution is to avoid and ignore each other..." He growled as he looked around for anyone.
"Unfortunately, along with the Order and this place I can not completely avoid him. And I don't want our separation to affect your friendship. "
"You understand that I can't talk normally to you and him and pretend that nothing happened."
"Maybe we need time and we'll both forget." I sighed, trying to lie to myself.
"It's been a few months, Merlin's beard! You both look more and more unhappy with each passing day. " Sirius told me angrily.
"What are you expecting of me? To be fascinated by the fact that he sees no future in our relationship? "
"Maybe you pressed him a little about the marriage thing."
"Don't take his side," I shouted angrily. " It was not a question of marriage at the moment. I just wanted to know that this relationship would develop. Not necessarily at the moment. What? Should I have jumped for joy that he had absolutely no plans? "
"He is so used to it, the lycanthropy forces him to live day by day. "
"I knew you would take his side! Male solidarity! Great! "I shouted, feeling my whole face burn. "He was the initiator of this relationship in the beginning! Obviously, even then he had no serious intentions towards me! Thanks, but I don't want to be someone's fad. I better be alone! "
I lied. I tried to lie myself. Several months had passed since our break-up with Remus, and with each passing day, I felt more and more overwhelmed. There was, in fact, only pain and despair behind my apparent confidence in my decision. Road without exit. I cried when no one was looking at me. My pain was grief that comes in waves, grueling, stealing appetite, and sleep alike. It was a sharp stone in my guts that never leaves, though perhaps in time the edges will dull. What was once whole was shattered; where once was peace was emptiness, echoes of love I put my everything into.
I tried to distract myself, spending all my time in the tavern, taking extra shifts in front of the Mystery Department. But the moment I was left alone, the memories enveloped me and broke my heart to pieces. I dreamed of being in his arms again, of kissing him again. But I knew I couldn't do it again. I owed it to myself. If he didn't see a future in our relationship, I shouldn't either.
***
"It won't work. Everything I try, in fact, turns out to have already been done by someone and was unsuccessful. " Chiara sighed and leaned back in her chair. I helped her with my knowledge of transfiguration on her research to find cheaper ways to alleviate lycanthropy. I looked at her. She looks pale and sick.
"Did you drink your potion?" I asked her. The full moon was a day apart. My heart sank at the thought that somewhere Remus was suffering just as much as she was.
"Yes." She said casually. "Explain to me the Gamp's Law again."
"Gamp's Law of Elemental Transfiguration is a magical law which dictates the rules of Transfiguration. There are five Principal Exceptions to Gamp's Law. In our case, I think we are interested in thе 3rd one, which states that you could not transfigure something that was cursed. "
"I mean, we couldn't transfigure a werewolf into something safer," she said.
"No. Not when transformed. "
" And you, being Animagus, do you feel pain when transforming? " She asked me.
" None. " I admitted. " It's easier than closing your eyes."
"And you stay conscious?"
"Yes and no. I would still think like a human when I was in my animal form. However, my feelings were not as complex when I was in this form. "
"Then why every time when we transform, it's as if they break our bones one by one. And then they restore them again one by one. " She sighed, and I shuddered at the thought of what they were going through each month.
"I don't know, maybe because of the difference in the origin itself — one is half-transfiguration, half-charm, and the other is a kind of curse. But perhaps we should take conclusions from this. They also have common features. Change of physical shape, dependence on lunar states. To become an Animagus, you must drink a special potion that prepares your body for the transformations. The cycles for its preparation are from full moon to full moon. So it might help. Have you tried to look at the ingredients of the potion and apply them in making a new one? " came to me as an idea.
"Actually not. " She brightened. "And it sounds logical. And here you will have to help me. "
The rest of the evening we spent discussing the ingredients of the potion and how it can be used. We had piles of books on the table and floor, our notes flying in all directions. I had given her a small room in the backside of the inn, where she could work in peace. I enjoyed her company. She was nice and funny. Ever since I lost my grandmother, I have been communicating mostly with men and I have lacked communication with a woman my age.
"You look worse even than me, " she told me. I looked up from the book 365 Benefits of Mandrake Leaves at her questioningly. "You look like someone took all the happiness out of your body. Are you and Lupin still arguing?
"We're not arguing," I nodded, forcing myself to smile. "We're just not talking. I'm fine. I've had a lot of sleepless nights and I'm tired."
She rolled her eyes. " You act like children. But this is your decision. At least can I take you somewhere to distract yourself a little? We will drink, we will dance... you can look for someone else. "
I shook my head. "I don't care about that right now. I can't imagine myself with anyone else. "
"The idea is to make old Lupin a little jealous, "she laughed.
"I don't think that will work. "
"Of course it will work. He is a wolf. He protects his territory. "
***
"That's the dumbest idea I've ever agreed to." I groaned, two hours later, sitting at one Muggle's bar. The last time I visited such a place was with Remus and Sirius, and it seemed like an eternity ago. "Let's get out of here," I told Chiara, who was ordering something from the bartender at the time.
"Calm down," she told me, glancing at the dancing crowd. "We'll just have a drink and dance. I will not push you. We'll leave early, I promise. And I'm not in shape too, given the approaching full moon. "
I stood by the edge of the bar. I actually wanted a drink, maybe it would make me forget all my worries for a night. The bartender made me a whiskey sour. I sat my glass on the bar and observed people my age dancing and flirting, thinking this would have been a fun place to go if I didn't think constantly about Remus.
"Hello. You're looking very lonely over here," a smooth voice said.
Chiara had gone to the WC, I glanced to my side and a man with dark hair, nearly thirty was smiling at me while sipping his beer.
"Hello," I offered politely hoping I didn't have to talk to him.
"Just hello? No name or something else?"
"I don't mean to be rude, but I'm leaving. I'm waiting for my friend to return." Where, in Merlin's beard, was Chiara?
"Well, it's been a while now. Why don't I keep you company until she comes back? A pretty girl like you shouldn't be left alone in a place like this. Some men might take advantage of it." His voice gave me the chills, and I was ready to jinx him secretly if necessary. I felt his drunken breath on my skin, his perverted eyes seemed to undress me. I was horrified when he came very close to me and slid his hand on my thigh.
"I think the lady told you she didn't want your company? " I heard a familiar stern voice behind me. I took a breath of relief. "Get out of here if you don't want to get in trouble."
The man in front of me stepped back in astonishment and looked at my savior. He glared with hate at him, but still stepped back and disappeared into the crowd.
"Are you alright?" Remus turned to me with a worried expression. He looked me over as if I had been molested.
I nodded, still speechless. I was still stunned from the unpleasant encounter with the stranger and from Remus's surprising appearance. I looked at those warm amber eyes, now full of anxiety, and for a moment forgot why I had avoided them in recent months.
"What are you doing here? "I finally managed to recover slightly from the shock, but I looked away. I couldn't look him in the eye without my legs weak.
"I can ask you the same," he replied. "Chiara sent me a message that a group of werewolves was gathering here, and I came to check. But I think she just lied to me. "
"Yeah," I said, cursing my friend in my mind. "He dragged me here, too, and disappeared."
We both looked at each other for a moment longer than necessary. Then he asked me, "Do you want to go for a walk outside? It's too crowded here for my taste. "
I just nodded again. I felt Remus's hand on the small of my back as we left the bar. A cold breeze blew outside and made me shiver. It was one of the cold May nights. Remus took off his jacket and put it on my shoulders. As cliché as it seemed, I didn't need anything else at the time. I snuggled into the fabric of his garment, feeling the warmth of his skin and inhaling his scent — chocolate, books, home.
We walked silently side by side through the quiet streets for a while. The silence was broken only by the sound of an alarm or the running of a cat between the parked cars. We only met a few other people. I didn't know where we were going. My legs moved step by step, hoping that this moment would last forever. Don't have to leave. I wanted to be by his side even in silence. We reached a small park and the river. The street lamps reflections in the otherwise black river stretched out like flaming stilts, ruffled by the cool breeze. Although cold, it smelled of spring. I stood on the edge of the river and stared at its black bottom. In addition to the lamps, it reflected the almost full moon. I stared at its pale face, which seemed to be laughing at me. How I hated it. The Moon was the reason I stood next to this man I loved with all my heart and didn't know if I would be with him again. I grabbed a rock from the ground and threw it into the river with an angry shout, trying to erase the wicked smile on the moon. In just a few seconds, the water calmed down again. There was nothing that I could do.
Remus stepped to me and he pulled me into his arms, stealing my breath and the heat from my skin. Suddenly my defenses were just paper, a paper that was being soaked by the rapidly falling briny drops. Before I could draw in the air my body needed I have melted into his form. I could feel his firm torso and the heart that beat within. His hands were folded around my back, drawing me in closer. I could feel my body shake, crying for the missed things we will never do together, crying to release the tension of these long months. He pulled his head back and wiped the tears with a tender finger, and brought more relief than my heart could hold. He was staring at me with adoration and love, running his hand through my hair, as if he couldn't quite believe I'm not part of an almost forgotten dream. When he kissed me it was sweet, gentle, and it tasted of my tears.
"I'm a fool, Ash," he told me quietly. "Will you forgive me? "
I wantеd to speak but all I could do was whisper, "No more self-pity." His mouth painted a soft smile and he nodded once before folding me in his arms again.
We were standing in each other's arms for a while when Remus stepped back and looked at the moon in the sky for a moment and then at me. His eyes were full of tears.
"Ash, this is the fullest possible moon I can ever be in human form in front of you. I'm not young. Nor am I whole. I can't offer you security or home. I will always be absent on certain days of the month, I will always return more empty and broken than before. The only thing I can give you is all my love. No matter the distance my love to you remains constant. You could be at the ends of the earth and still, I would feel pulled toward you. There is something about you and me that matches, each half loving the other so fully that life alone would be meaningless. When times are dark you are the one that lifts me back into the light, when times are bright you are the one who rejoices with me. So though it is your eyes, your skin, your face that I look upon, know that the love runs deep to my core. I don't do superficial, I never did. Entire life I have never dreamed that someone would want to share her life with me, to want us to grow old together. You came into my life and turned everything upside down. You gave me hope that I could be happy. I want you to forgive me for the words I said that night. I want this relationship to have a future, Ash, just forgive me."
"Rem ..." I stroked his cheek and he closed his eyes from my touch. "I knew what I was doing from the beginning, and yet I want to be with you. I love you and that will not change. I don't want to constantly struggle with your self-pity, nor do I want to prove to you that you are one of the few people who deserve to be happy. I forgive you. And I went a little too far that night. I didn't want to press you. I'm sorry. "
"No no. You didn't press me. In fact, I had taken this out sometime before and was hesitant to give it to you. " he said, rummaging in his pockets. A moment later he pulled out a small velvet black box. " It was my mother's, she gave it to me in the hope that I would give it to someone, although we both deeply doubted it at the time "To my surprise, he bent down, knelt in front of me, and opened the box. There was a light and delicate ring with jewels placed into the band itself. "Will you marry me?"
I continued staring at him, my eyes widen. "Yes," I said breathlessly. "I will marry you."
Remus smiled broadly, took the ring out of the box, and placed it carefully on my finger. Then he stood up and kissed me. In that kiss was the sweetness of passion, a million loving thoughts condensed into a moment. In his kiss, I was home.
The moon watched the two lone figures standing on the bank of the river, intertwined. In one breath, in one hug, in one kiss, in one love. The mischievous smile was gone.