A/N: Sorry it's late, uwu. Holiday season is always chaotic for work, and the discord(s) I've joined are great, chaotic, and also a wee bit distracting. Enjoy the long (3.3k word) chapter hehe. Don't forget to comment, vote, follow, etc. Love hearing your thoughts (or the all-cap rants) <3
Chapter 55
Songs: Fear by Sleeping at Last; Anger by Sleeping at Last
[I do recommend Fear for the beginning portion, but Anger can apply to the whole chapter]
Vince's POV
It felt like I was dreaming again, but I was awake. Ever since Simon had walked out, I had lowered my dose again, and since then I had been experiencing these weird dreams/visions of Simon and what appeared to be his past. They were haunting, I had seen the day I kicked him out, seen him running endlessly in the forest, even seen him arguing with Aspen in one of them, all in his perspective. Even times that I had no idea how he could smile again after experiencing something like that.
They were frightening, sobering.
Maybe I had lowered the dose too low again, but in a way, I was glad to see these visions of him. At least I got to see him in these. I wasn't sure how long he'd distance himself, wasn't sure how long it'd take me to figure out what I wanted, and I wasn't sure if he'd care to listen if I did.
And I thought I had figured it out. Thought I had a semblance of an idea of how I felt. About what it was I wanted. But I wasn't sure what to tell him. Wasn't sure if I could even properly express what I felt, or how it made me feel.
Another vision of Simon appeared, this time with Michael and I nearly snarled aloud. All the visions I had seen were from his past, but Simon was wearing the same clothes I saw him leave the packhouse this morning.
So this was happening now. All while I was trying to get a peace treaty signed by a notorious pack up north. One that did not like the idea of treaties in general. Another one of Michael's ridiculous chores to do.
"Let it burn," Michael had sneered and it took everything in me to ground myself and remind myself of where I was and what I was doing.
But the vision showed Michael's hand lowered at the base of his spine, and I felt sick to my stomach.
"Besides, you should be used to this, right?" I balled my fists, sure that if I had been standing I would've lost my balance. No.
I could see Simon squirm, his face in pain and uncomfortable at Michael's forceful grip, and I wanted nothing more to be transported there to beat the living shit out of Michael.
"You think he cares about you? The only reason he'd ever mark you is for that stupid role."
No. No no no. My wolf growled in agreement, startling the wolves in the room as they looked at me warily. That's not what I want, Simon, I wanted to shout at him. No, I told myself. I don't want that. Not at all.
All I wanted was to protect him. For him to be happy. All I wanted was to be-
"He doesn't need you," Michael's words came back to haunt me. Then the words he told Simon, "He doesn't care."
"If he did, he'd be here with you."
No, I told myself. Less thinking. More feeling. That's what he wanted. I can be there for him. I do care.
"I need to go," I gritted, hoping my wolf would keep it together long enough till I left their territory.
"The treaty," the head beta slid the paper towards me. Their alpha stood behind him with his arms crossed eyeing me curiously.
"I need to go," I said firmly, shoving the paper back at them, feeling their eyes burning gaping holes into me. I said I'd protect him and I was here over some stupid paper. Last time we tried signing one, they completely ignored our clauses, stating it was blasphemous to share resources and share a neutral hunting ground within the valley, insisting it was theirs completely. Why Michael had sent me here, well it wasn't looking good. "I'm not signing it."
"You refuse?" The alpha spoke. All eyes turned to him as he stared me down. Had I not been so eager to leave and go to Simon, I would've properly apologized and explained, but I was running out of time. Who knows what could happen to him in that amount of time. "This will not bode well for your pack."
"I do deserve better, Vince. I need to know that you want this still. That you want me by your side as much as I do."
I do.
"I need to leave," I told him with a determination I never felt before. "I need to find my mate."
---
I hadn't found Michael's car at Cindy's, and Xavier wasn't picking up his phone. I had driven as fast as I could, even weaving through cars as I debated whether to call Simon. I wasn't sure where he stood with me, and I didn't want him to feel obligated to pick up. But it didn't ease my nerves, wanting desperately to call to at least hear him so I knew that he was alright.
Defeatedly, I drove back home, hoping that maybe he was just here all along, that he was safe and well. But as I pulled up, a beat-up pick-up was just outside the gates, and that's when I saw him.
My wolf whined in the back of my head, as a chill went down my spine.
Simon had gotten out of the pick-up truck and walked over to the driver's side door. The man half leaned his head out the window with a bright grinning face. Even with my heightened senses, I couldn't hear what they were talking about, but it seemed they were joking. Simon punched the man's arm playfully before the guy leaned over the door to rustle Simon's hair up. They laughed some more and I could feel a growing pit in my stomach, my wolf letting out a low whine again.
Mate, he said meekly. Ours.
I frowned, watching as Simon waved the man goodbye as he started his truck. I know, I told my wolf finally, before breathing shakily.
As the driver came closer I ducked down, hoping the driver didn't notice as he passed by. It was childish, and I buried my head in my hands wondering what the hell I was doing. I had no right to feel this way, after all, Simon had said he'd give me space. The space I needed to figure out what the hell it was that I wanted exactly. I had thought I realized what it was on the way here, but how could I compare with that?
I leaned against the steering wheel, trying to remind myself of what he told me. Feel, don't think. If it was only that easy.
Squeezing the wheel tighter, I remembered the fear I felt, the terrifying feeling I got back at the pack up north. That, and the anger that boiled from what Michael said. But first, I needed to see him in person. Needed to see that Simon was well, that he was okay. As selfish as it was, I needed to calm my nerves before I lost my shit.
I had spotted him amongst the crowd, Xavier leaving his side to talk with one of the betas nearby. He looked around, almost nervously as I made a beeline towards him. I didn't even care that some of the betas had tried to stop me, all I had thought was to get to him.
"Simon," I breathed, gripping his upper arm, whirling him toward me. He seemed shocked to see me, almost as concerned when the night at the bar had flashed through my head. This scene played out like before, and to think it could've been my own brother to pull something like that asshole that night made it all worse. My wolf growled lowly, pushing forward. I loosened my hold on his arm, before letting my hand fall to my side awkwardly. "Y-you alright?"
He blinked before cocking his head to the side. "Yeah, I'm fine. Where were you? Xavier was worried, and there was a rogue-"
"That's good," I interrupted, trying to keep my wolf in check. I turned away, looking towards the crowd that had gathered because of the rogues. Off-handedly I muttered, "I'll just go-"
"Vince." He tugged on my shirt sleeve, his skin just gracing the side of my elbow. Had I not been on edge, I would've leaned into the touch. It had been a while since I felt those sparks, the feelings of goosebumps forming when his fingers danced on my skin. But what we had last said to each other, those visions that I had seen, even what Michael had said to me was getting to me. I couldn't help but think about it. "You alright?"
I wanted to laugh. Was I? I don't think I ever was. And after what I had realized in the car ride, to the rollercoaster of seeing him with that stranger in the truck, I wasn't sure what to think. He had seemed so at ease with him. If I ruffled his hair like that, would it garner the same reaction?
For a second I thought about it. Even raised my hand up to reach for his hair, then realized how pathetic that'd probably be. He looked at my hand expectantly so I dropped it just as I spotted my older brother. He didn't look happy, probably from the failed peace treaty.
Michael stormed over with a devilish glint to his eyes. I blocked his view of Simon, ushering him towards Xavier. A few of the betas stood beside Michael as he sneered.
I snarled, the moments of him with Simon playing over in my head, the way he laid his hands on him, that awful smirk on his face fueling my anger. Letting it guide me I rushed forward, shoving at his shoulders.
"What? Now you show up? After the betas deal with the attack, fail to do as I ask, and you want to challenge me?" He snarled, a smug look staining his face. A crowd of about twenty higher-ranking people, including some of the members who lived around here, were forming. He raised his voice so the others could hear, "You have some nerve to threaten your alpha. Couldn't even handle signing a peace treaty."
"You-" I shoved at his chest before lowering my voice into a growl. "You sent me there for nothing!"
He smirked, knowing damn well that the business trip was a scam. "Nothing? It's not my fault you couldn't convince them to establish a pack relation with them."
I snarled, rushing forward to grip the collar of his shirt. A few of the older betas step forward but Michael waved them away. The infamous smirk of his plastered on his face made both me and my wolf growl. "You know damn well they would've never agreed to a peace treaty anyway."
"Some alpha you once were, can't even properly make friends with our neighbors," he scoffed, flashing his golden eyes in a form of challenge. "All you had to do was sign a paper."
My wolf snarled, coming to the surface as I pushed back, the image of Michael doing that to Simon. "I would've gotten it done if someone had kept their hands to themselves."
He humphed, before leaning forward muttering softly, "Too bad someone interrupted me, I coulda had my way with him. Goddess knows he would've loved the attention."
I could feel my wolf pulling forward, pushing my own conscious back at the remark. But it wasn't just him that saw red. Especially with the visions fresh in the back of my mind, the things he had said to Simon, made my blood boil. He smirked, and that was all it took for me to swing, all sense of reason leaving the window. My ill-aimed punch hadn't gone far as he caught it in his palm.
He huffed before pulling out the chain from under his shirt, flashing the piece of jewelry on the silver chain so only I could see before saying, "then I would've murdered him just like I did father."
"You-" I blinked, staring at my father's ring in front of me. That was the one, but I had put it back in his chest. "But it was-"
"Although it was fun watching you descend into despair." He rolled his eyes before placing it back under his shirt. "I couldn't let you have all the credit. Besides, who would even believe a pathetic coward like yourself could actually pull that off?"
All sense of reason and self-control left my train of thought, the burning desire to hit him, to wipe that goddess-awful smirk from his face permanently growing, my wolf itching to be fully released. It took every last ounce of strength to reel him in as I gritted out to him, "you! Why!? Why on earth would you do that?!"
He shoved me back this time. "Why? Seriously? He deserved it. A fucking asshole. He had it coming."
"He was our father," I spat, shoving at him again. "You-"
"He was hardly a father," he sneered. "Fathers don't scream or threaten you. That man was a hypocrite and he deserved far worse than what I gave him. Death was a blessing."
I had never felt such a strong surge of rage, as I swung my clenched fist at him, catching him right below the temple.
He stepped backward from the impact before motioning the approaching betas away again, spitting at the ground before looking at me smugly. "You never learn, do you? Your rage is just like fathers."
I surged forward, gripping his shirt collar, and thrashed him around. "I'm nothing like him."
"Really?" He gripped my collar back, extending his claws dangerously close to my neck before saying, "the similarities are uncanny."
My wolf snarled, as I swung my fist at his ear, taking the opportunity to jab my other fist into his stomach. He doubled over, clenching his stomach as I shoved him to the ground.
I sent a succession of ill-aimed punches at his face, some at his chest as he pathetically tried to block them.
It was like a switch had hit, the rage totally blinding me from everything else, my wolf and possibly adrenaline fueling me to unleash all the hurt I was feeling. From today, from yesterday, from back then 16 years ago, everything.
And thinking about it, if Michael really killed father, then wasn't it him after all? The one who started all this shit. The whole reason for finding his murderer, to finding out that Simon's dad was the closest culprit we had?
I punched him again, gripping his neck in my other hand as I continued pummeling his face. I felt so numb, so disembodied that I wasn't even sure how many punches I had thrown. Twenty? Thirty?
"Why?" I demanded, throwing another one weakly at his chest.
Was that even enough, given what this had meant? The reason I had ended up kicking Simon out in the first place? The reason I had hurt his family like that, portrayed them as this awful family?
I wasn't even aware if my wolf had taken over. Had he? It felt like an out of body experience, punching him over and over, the anger consuming every fiber of my being.
Then there were the threats of murdering Simon, weaseling his way into the pack as alpha. Making all these changes, making me do all this stupid paperwork. And the ring?
"Why?"
I was breathing heavily now, but I was still going, sending a couple more punches to his temple, one catching the corner of his mouth.
It was all him. He had been the reason behind it all. The reason mother was dying, the reason Xavier had no mate.
The reason why I had hurt my mate time and time again.
It had all stemmed from him.
"Why?" I said meekly, out of breath.
I delivered one last weak punch, catching the other temple. I was heaving, struggling to catch my breath as my vision started to come back to focus. My ears were ringing, but as I stared down at the mess I made, I could hear Michael's pathetic laugh, pained from the punches and bloody mess.
Had it not been for that infamous smirk of his still mocking me even as he remained on the brink of consciousness, I couldn't even recognize him. It was just like our father, the wounds and damage on his face, the probable bruising and trauma I had caused to his ribs, even the faintest tint of bruising around his neck.
It was like a veil being lifted, a sudden drop into ice-cold water as things become clearer. The ringing in my ears dying down, my vision coming back, and the initial rage I felt slowly stilling. My breaths were still laboured, heavy from the physical assault I had just committed, but it wasn't just the sight of Michael like this that shocked me.
It was the noise, the audible gasps, and murmurs coming from around us, the sounds of anguish and fear. But one stood out amongst the cacophony of noises.
"Vince?"
Simon.
My blood ran cold, I was sure I had stopped breathing. I didn't dare move a muscle until Michael scoffed beneath me, blood still coating his teeth as he tilted his head in the direction of Simon's voice. Michael sneered one last time at me before muttering, "it's too late, I already won."
He let out a breathy laugh before going still, finally succumbing to the injuries as he fell unconscious. Turning towards my mate, the growing crowd of pack members seemed to fade from view as I spotted him there with a look on his face that gutted me. It felt like someone had cut me open, twisting my innards in their hand as the memory of 16 years ago replayed in my head. But this time, I was in his shoes, the shame and anger from the pack directed at me this time.
He had the same petrified look on his face back then, his lips quivering, as he gripped onto Xavier's shoulder. Xavier had the same terrified look as he did, clutching Simon's hand with his other as they both looked at me in fear like the rest of the pack.
It was indescribable, the rush of whatever emotion that had run through me. Without the adrenaline fueling me anymore, I found myself soberingly awake at the situation I found myself in. And how could I even begin to express what I felt? This went beyond just feeling guilt or shame. It went beyond realizing you fucked up, this was more than just that. This wasn't just a slip-up, not some accident I could blame my wolf or anyone else.
But it struck me that this pain, whatever flood of emotions couldn't even begin to compare to what he had felt. To what my mate had undergone that day and every subsequent day that followed. It didn't compare to the hurt that he was still harboring, didn't compare to the weight on his shoulders.
I couldn't come back from this. I couldn't mend something like this. It didn't matter if I told him that I wanted him by side, that I didn't exactly understand these feelings, but that I didn't want him to walk away from whatever the hell this was. It didn't matter if I told him about the ring Michael wore around his neck, it didn't matter if I saw what my brother had done or said to Simon. It didn't matter if I had known about the men he slept with to get the money he needed to survive, or saw the times those men had mistreated him.
My hand shook in my hands, the warm blood still dripping from my hands as I stared at them down. Nothing could change the damage I had caused. Be that from 16 years ago, to just now. The blood would still be on my hands, I could never change that. I was always going to be known as that monster. The evil one. Pathetic.
And the look on Simon's face had confirmed that. On Xavier's face, and everyone else's.
And I was breaking. I could feel it shattering me open. What had I done?