Chapter 22 - Part 1

                                    

                                          
Jessica did as she was told. Charlie took her first thing the next morning to her doctor. After explaining her current struggle with anxiety and her overall fragile state to Dr. Jefferson, who had treated her before, he prescribed some anti-anxiety medications. 
After they got back, Charlie made her have something to eat before she took her first dose. She had always hated taking the pills because they made her feel weird, but after everything she was grateful to have a reprieve from the array of inner turmoil, even if it was just temporary.
When Charlie had to go into work for a meeting he couldn't get out of, Karsyn showed up.
"I don't need a babysitter," she remarked resentfully. While she understood their concern, they were treating her like she needed to be watched twenty-four seven, and it was annoying.
Despite her fragility and heartache, she was doing what she was supposed to without complaint. She had kept her shit together and hadn't had any other meltdowns.
"Maybe I needed the company," Karsyn shot back, and she frowned as he came to sit beside her.
"Behave, you two," Charlie warned before he left. "She had her first dose an hour ago. She should be good for the next couple of hours."
She crossed her arms, glaring at Charlie. Karsyn nodded while watching her.
She was glad to see Charlie go. As much as she appreciated his help, she needed a little space from him. Her attention turned to Karsyn, though she wasn't sure she was in the mood for his company either.
"Aw, come on. You make me feel so unwanted," he teased, and she smiled, even though she wanted to stay mad at him.
"I'm just tired of being treated like I'm going to break," she mumbled, looking away from him.
"We care, Jess. You can't be mad with us—after your meltdown yesterday, we're all concerned. Can you honestly blame us?"
Her gaze slowly moved back to him. She wondered if that included Myles, and she bit her lip to stop herself from asking. She wasn't sure she was in the mental space to broach that subject no matter how badly she wanted to know.
"I've done everything you guys wanted. I went to the doctor and got something to help," she argued. "I'll be fine."
He pressed his lips into a thin line, which meant he wanted to argue, but he was trying to find the best way to break something to her so she wouldn't get upset.
She frowned and said, "Just say it."
"I don't think this is something pills are going to fix."
Charlie had already broached the subject of going to see someone to talk about the things that she was struggling with, but she didn't know if she could. She wasn't sure how much of a difference it would make, talking about it. Words wouldn't change what happened, and she didn't believe there was a way to make peace with her actions and their result.
She knew Charlie and Karsyn were coming from a good place and they wanted to help her, but she didn't know if it was something she could do. 
"Can we not talk about that right now? I've had the lecture about that already this morning." 
"How are you feeling?" he asked softly, studying her closely, making her feel like she was under a microscope.
She shrugged. "Not hysterical."
He laughed. "Well, that's good."
She gave him a half smile. He seemed to be able to get her to forget she didn't want to talk to him.
There were a few moments of silence.
"I'm sorry," she said.
"Sorry for what?" He gave her a questioning look.
"For Dylan."
And with those words, his carefree smile dropped.
"Like I told you, none of what happened with Dylan was your fault."
She wanted to believe him so bad; she wanted to be able to let go of all the sadness and guilt she had held on so tightly to for the last two years.
"If I had paid closer attention I would have seen he needed more than just a friend on the other side of a phone," she said, feeling wistful that she couldn't take back her mistake.
"And how were you supposed to know that, Jess?" He gave her a sharp look. "Have you had someone close to you commit suicide before him? Do you know what you're supposed to look for? Because none of us saw anything, not one thing."
"He had so much self-doubt, and the anxiety got to him. Then there were days he struggled to get out of bed." She sighed. "I've spent so much time going over things again trying to pinpoint what I missed..."
"Did he ever say anything about wanting to end...things?" 
She knew that once she told his brothers, they would ask that question.
"No. Not once did he ever mention that." She let out a sigh. "If he had, I would have insisted he get professional help."
"And if he'd told you he didn't want any help?"
In her heart she knew what she would have done—there would have been no questioning it. "I would have told you and Myles. I wouldn't have kept it from you."
Even if it had meant losing Dylan's confidence, she would have done the right thing. 
"That's what made it so difficult. I knew what he was struggling with but not once did it ever cross my mind that he would do what he did, not once. I thought it was something he would work his way through."
She looked away from him and stared off into the distance. How was she supposed to put such a traumatic event behind her when it was all she could think about? She bet there weren't many days that passed that his brothers didn't think about him and wonder how different things would be if he were still around. She let out a heavy sigh.
"Does Myles hate me?" she asked, unable to dance around the subject of his brother any longer. She needed to know how bad it was. 
He didn't immediately answer her but she couldn't look at him. She waited.
"After Dylan first died, he didn't handle it well."
She nodded, remembering.
"Your revelation brought all of that back for him." He sighed. "He needs time to figure his way through it, and it's best if we all give him the space he needs."
She swallowed hard. She wanted to be the one to comfort him and tell him everything would be okay, but she couldn't be that person because she had caused him that very pain. It was difficult to regret her actions more than she had before, but she did.
"I never meant to keep it from you guys." She breathed. "At first I was in so much shock, it felt so unreal, and by the time the reality set in, I was drowning. You were so upset, you walked out of the room anytime anyone mentioned his name." She paused. "Myles just shut down and it was difficult to gauge how he was handling anything."
She shrugged. "As each day passed, it became more difficult to tell the truth. It was just easier to keep it to myself so no one would look at me like I was the one who killed him." 
"Jessica," Karsyn murmured. "Stop it. You have to let go of this. If you don't, I'm worried what happened to Dylan will happen to you."
The emotion in his voice pulled at her and she looked at him. "I would never do that," she whispered, "because I know what it feels like to be one of the ones left behind."
He took her hand in his and she let him. "Promise me that you won't ever do anything like that."
He clearly didn't believe her if he wanted her to make it a promise.
"I promise."
He pulled her to him and hugged her tightly. "Good."