Mirror

                                    

                                          
The only thing that kept me going through the last couple of weeks in the hospital with the skin grafting was his visits and when he was not visiting, I use to look at his note...
"You don't need a mirror to remind you that you are beautiful."
I couldn't cry or laugh or even smile, when I cried alone at night I would tilt my head to a side and soak the tears with the corner of a folded tissue but putting it to the corners of my eyes. All this was overwhelming for me but the anti anxiety drugs kept me from completely unraveling.
He didn't touch me, we didn't talk much, I wasn't allowed to, although I would softly day his name in the nights, I remember how it felt when his name touched my lips. I wondered why he was here everyday to see me and what made me wait for him. I looked forward to this everyday, it was the only thing that kept me going. I wondered why we didn't touch, shake hands even. I want to remember his touch but for now with the very few words exchanged, I memorize our glances, how our bodies talk and transact, the subtle guestures and the unspoken spoken by our bodies in the evening light. 
I wonder how his touch would feel on my skin, will it leave a trail of goose flesh, will it stay and humm like a whisper in the night. I feel his eyes grazing my body, trying to touch places where nobody has touched. Sometimes it makes me feel all this is not real and this surrealism can only be broken by a touch. 
I wait for him to come and sit on the couch opposite to my bed to just watch the light lean on his face, part of his dark eyes catches a glint and his tight jaw that is slightly stubbled clenches as his eyes find my wounds. What makes you care for me Josh, am I worth your time, attention. My wounds make you flinch, why?
You ask me to come and stay with you for a while and say it is not safe for me outside, why do you care for a woman who you have only seen once, and who fled seeing you. Why are you so nice to me? Why do you say nice things to me? Why do you leave sweet nothings by the bed? Why .....
                          
***
                          
I feel uneasy, I shift, I stir, I feel like someone is following me, I can't run, I feel I can't move, somehow my legs are very heavy and can't carry me anymore. I fall, 'No..' I'm hurt , 'Umm..' I can't breathe, I lie there and I sense someone who is trying to come closer, 'Ugh...' I can sense their hands getting closer ' Nooo...' 
                          
"Shhhh.... You are safe, you are here with me, you are okay."
I feel warmth, weight and warmth along with his voice, a voice I begin to trust. Josh.
He is on me, has wrapped me with his body, pinning down an arm and with his other hand closing my mouth, his fingers on my lips, careful with my skin. I taste his warmth, feel his weight on my body. For the first time I feel safe under someone's weight. The air is charged between us. My skin moist against his, I realise I'm almost naked under him. Only a thin layer of satin separate our bodies. His scent stirring my senses. I look at him with tender eyes.
"I'm sorry." He apologizes and shifts his weight to slowly peel away from me. 
"Don't be, I have never felt safe like this before." 
I absorb the surroundings, the walls of his bedroom, the curtains and things, I'm in Josh's house I remind myself. I'm safe, I tell myself. I pull the sheets close to my chest and sit up.
He is seated on my bed still, he is wearing nothing but his briefs. His gaze still searing into me. His touch had made me feel safe and it hummed under my skin. I felt his touch for the first time as warmth on my lips, so reassuring, so real. I wasn't dreaming. I knew.
                          
"Will you be okay for the night?" He asks, getting up from the bed.
"Please don't leave." I say almost instantly and reach out to hold his hand. It sends bolts of awareness down my spine. 
                          
As he settles down beside me, I can hear him breathe, feel his warm breath rolling down my skin. I sense my heart racing, my emotions rush with him so close beside me.  I cannot help but think - What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Why am I playing with fire? Why do I feel this way?