i never wanted you to go [lee]

                                    

                                          
A pang of pain crossed you. Usually, Lee's slender arms would entrance you if the nights became cold but this night, they did not. 
                          
Becoming dirtier by the day, you nor the bedsheets had been washed in just short of a week; the overwhelming force your dimly lit bedroom had on you at this time was crucifying. Lee's last words were echoing like speakers in your mind.
                          
'And there you go. You've lost me'
                          
Still, after a week, that loosely strung together sentence that enhanced his agony was like a broken record. Stuck. Crying just as you were, alone in the apartment, the thundering rain of New York ached your bones. Ached your heart. Some, just then in that moment, some ungodly force told you. Go- go to him.
                          
And so, you did.
                          
'Lee. I don't know if you can hear me, maybe you've- I don't know- fallen asleep or chosen to ignore me, but...' your sentence fluctuated, the waver in your voice was supported by the solo tap of your boot on the ground, 'I never wanted to push you away. I didn't want you to go. God, fuck. I screwed up, Lee.'
                          
Dying, your phone went dark.
                          
Plastered on your face like fresh paint, your greasy, mud coloured hair was sodden all the way through, so were your clothes and jacket- it was inevitably safe to say your boots were ruined too. Lit up like a summer's day, the doorway to the lavish apartment complex seemed bustling with life, yet a deceiving outlook that was indeed, for inside, a messy, unkept man with a height of 6"5 was sat emptily upon his couch. 
                          
Crossing your arms to shield the cold out, your eyes melted into the rain, tears & droplets clasping hands in melancholy ways. Alas, the door was unlocked for you and his home was just to the left. Not a sound, not even a shuffle or creak of the floorboards could be heard from within. Staring back at you, your distorted reflection in the golden doorknob made you sick- did you really look that bad? A cold and finger-wrinkled hand lurched out and twisted it.
                          
Lee's head remained transfixed by his phone, his body rested quietly on the sofa.
                          
Raw and deprived, his eyes looked sore even from a distance; a tinge of red sweeped over them despite the painted paleness of the rest of his face. That long, straight nose of his was balancing droplets of deprivation from its tip, his lips that softly brushed against yours once were now chapped and bitten. Moving those said lips about, no coherent phrase exited his scarce mouth. It took you a moment, a glance & a hitched breath to hear what he was hearing.
                          
The message you'd sent him was being replayed over and over from the coffee table before him; his hands hiding from you his temples, absorbing the sound of your exasperated voice like a sponge.
                          
His raw eyes met your dull ones.
                          
'Why, Annie?' he muttered, just about. 
                          
'I- I need you, Lee. As much as,' you began to break, 'As much as I never thought I would. You were the reason I kept going.' your body wanted nothing more than to collapse; you had no food, no water and very nearly no tears left inside you. Emptiness just wasn't the word.
                          
'Then why- why did you push me away, Annie? If I kept you going, why did you want me to stop?' Lee begged you for a decent explanation.
                          
'If I didn't get rid of you first, you would've done it to me instead. After all, Lee, nobody wants the fucking broken girl.' you said, admitting not only your state but how your mindset had backfired.
                          
'And did it?' he inquired.
                          
'Did it what?'
                          
'Did it work? Have you succeeded in pushing me away without getting hurt yourself?' Lee cursed at you, without even swearing. His words were enough to torture you for life.
                          
You paused, letting the tears fall first, choking on them. 'No.'
                          
'And that's why you're here.' spoke the now stood being before you, his hands barely expressive when they usually were.
                          
'Yes.' you let your hand fall to your thigh. 
                          
'Why would I go through it again, Annie? Tell me that.' his voice shook- cracked even- hoarse with physical pain. He had not spoken in days.
                          
'I don't know, Lee. I never wanted this, I never wanted to push you away.' you expressed, soft anger in your tone. Not aimed at him, just yourself. 
                          
'So why did you?' his head shook slightly as he let go of his words, the dryness of his eyes disappearing as tears built in them once more.  A deep rumble in his voice unsettled you. 
                          
'Becuase I love you. I love you more than life. It tore me up seeing you have to constantly baby me and- and check up on the girl who can barely remember to eat or shower. That's no relationship, that's not even a life, Lee!' you exhaled, all given in one breath. 
                          
The two of you both stood, weeping.
                          
'I found myself in you, and now-'
                          
'And now I'm lost again.' he finished your train of thought, just as he always did. Gaping, the distance between you seemed greater than before. His whole frame shook. You walked over to him. 
                          
A part of him inched away. 
                          
You stopped. 'I'll go. Goodbye, Lee.' you sobbed, tilting your head to look at him, watching him cry into the ground beneath him. Reaching the door, a gentle but familiar grip locked in on your wrist. 
                          
'I never wanted you to go.' he rawly said, the bitter sting of his salty tears quite fresh upon his lips, identical to the one he could taste on yours.