3

                                    

                                          
I HAVENT UPDATED IN SO LONG IM SO SORRY LMAO UM
                          
anyways I kinda hate how the chapter ends because I cut 227 words from it it feels stunted
                          
also might start my rewrite of coming out today idk though I'm really tired
                          
anyways hope you guys enjoy this more than I did
                          


                          
It was cold. That was the first thing he noticed. The second thing, was that he was sore. Everywhere that could possibly hurt did. He slowly opened his eyes, squinting at the light. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the light, he looked around. He quickly realized he was in his bathroom and once that clicked he started to remember what happened. 
                          
Earlier, he wasn't sure how much earlier, he had been working on his base. He doesn't remember what trigged it, if it was anything at all, but he had a panic attack. He had run to his little hobbit hole in a frenzy so that no one would find him.
                          
This is where most things get foggy but he very clearly remembers ripping open any skin he could reach. His arms, legs, chest, stomach, literally anywhere. 
                          
That would explain why he's so sore.
                          
He started to get up very slowly and carefully and as he did this he realized just how much blood there was. It makes sense, considering he had literally passed out, but he was all over him and the bathroom. This was going to require a lot of cleaning.
                          
When he stood up he attempted a look in the mirror, seeing his feathers and hair matted with blood he quickly glanced away.He hated cleaning his wings.
                          
He left his bathroom in just his boxers and a binder to grab a towel and some fresh clothes. He also looked around until his eyes landed on a clock, seeing it was around noonish and that he actually wasn't out that long.
                          
He walked back to the bathroom and turned on the shower. He took off the rest of his clothes and saw that there were more cuts underneath. He sighed as he entered the shower, wincing slightly at the sting of the water hitting all of his fresh cuts.
                          
As the water washed away the dried blood he got his first good look at the damage. It was bad, like, really bad. He thinks a few might even need stitches. He knows he doesn't want to go to stress, scar orjoe but he also hasn't done this many stitches in a long time.
                          
Not since evo.
                          
He doesn't want to think about it but he does have to admit having watcher magic other than the wings would be very helpful in these situations.
                          
He sighed. He has two options, go to one of the healer hermits like stress, scar andjoe or, he could try and do it himself. As the water kept washing over his body he weighed out the pros and cons of each option.
                          
Doing it himself would be a lot more painful and he'd probably pass out a few times, he needed a lot of stitches. There was also the higher risk of an infection, but, he wouldn't have to tell any other hermits about his self harm, or well his relapse. 
                          
They all knew he had past issues with it, the scars weren't exactly discreet.
                          
He really didn't want anyone else to know about this. He knows if he went to stress,scaror joe they'd try to make him stop or talk to them at least, or maybe they'd make him tell iskall and mumbo.
                          
But if he had an actual healer do it the risk for infection would be almost zero, he probably would only pass out once, if at all, and it wouldn't be as painful.
                          
He really didn't know which option to pick.
                          
It really boiled down to either, keep it a secret but with a lot of pain, or, people will know he failed at staying clean but he also won't be in pain, maybe he could even start healing again and try to stay clean.
                          
But the thought of actually telling anyone he fucked up was terrifying. He especially didn't want more people than necessary to know. He knows if he goes to stress she's almost guaranteed to tell him to tell his partners. Scar would probably have the same reaction as stress and want him to open up. Joe could probably be persuaded to let him keep it a secret but only if he talked to him about it. 
                          
None of them would let him continue hurting himself.
                          
He thinks his main issue might be the amount of people knowing as well as the fact that he doesn't really feel like he deserves to stop. He thinks about the joe option again, he likes joe and it'd only be one person. But he also doesn't think joe would relent for that long and he knows that only having joe to talk to won't be a forever thing.
                          
He just stands there for a few minutes before another thought crosses his mind. Iskall can do stitches, they're actually very good at first aid from their time as a hitman.
                          
He doesn't want iskall to know, but he also feels that way about anyone knowing, and he has to face it this is too much for him to do on his own. If he gets an infection he'll have to go to a healer anyway why not get the stitches done by someone he completely trusts not only to take care of him but also to help him recover.
                          
He still has that fear of iskall and mumbo finding out but maybe he can handle just one of his partners knowing. He doesn't want to keep hurting himself, he wants to be happy. At the same time though he doesn't know if he can be again. He's done it before but it obviously didn't last.
                          
He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want iskall to be disappointed but he also knows deep back in his mind somewhere that they won't be. They'll probably be happy grian came to them.
                          
Hestopped thinking about it for now and decided to start cleaning his wings off. He hates getting stuff in his wings, its annoying to try and get it all out when he can't even see his whole wing.
                          
That ends up taking less time than he thought and by the time he was drying himself off he say it was only around twelve thirty.
                          
He decided to message iskall and see if they're busy, he finished drying himself off and got dressed. He gingerly pulled his jeans and signature red sweater onto his body trying to not open up any of his cuts. He decided not to bandage them.
                          
He fished out his communicator from his bedside drawer and sent a quick private message to iskall.
                          
Grian: iskall r u busy?
                          
He got a response not even a minute later.
                          
Iskall: no why
                          
Grian: can I meet you at your base, I need a little help with something.
                          
Iskall: yeah course
                          
grian put his communicator into his back pocket and left to fly over to iskall's big tree.