Matt's a dumbass

                                    

                                          
Markus
                          
After taking several showers and throwing my clothes into the trash, I dressed and went downstairs. Nate and Elias were sitting on the couch, talking. 
                          
"Okay, who's the dumbass that fed your family terrible food, giving them food poisoning?" I asked ying and yang. 
                          
"Dad," they answered. 
                          
I shook my head. Matt's a dumbass. What the hell is wrong with him? You don't eat food off some random truck. That's what happens when you don't watch tv and read all the damn time. 
                          
Kayden and Jayden burst through the door and stopped. I looked at my boys suspiciously. 
                          
"Oh, hey, daddy-o," Kayden mentioned. 
                          
"What did you do?" I asked suspiciously. I'm no dummy. I know when my boys are up to no good.
                          
"We did nothing," Jayden lied. 
                          
I watched the boys take off as Hayden reached the front door, gasping for air. I looked at Hayden as he caught his breath. "Where are dumb and dumber?" 
                          
"They ran upstairs. Why?" I questioned. 
                          
"Because they thought it would be cute to throw a smoke bomb into some random house," Hayden told me. 
                          
Of course, they did, because our son is idiots. The twins have a habit of getting into bullshit because they get bored. I have a habit of putting my foot up their ass. 
                          
I turned and went to the bottom of the stairs, then yelled, "Kayden and Jayden!"
                          
The boys came to the top of the stairs. 
                          
"Yes, father," Kayden said, acting innocent. 
                          
"Don't father me. That's your Uncle Nixon's department," I remarked. 
                          
"I thought Uncle Nixon is a padre," Jayden said to Kayden. 
                          
I put my hand over my face and groaned. 
                          
"No, Uncle Nixon is a preacher," Kayden replied. 
                          
Life doesn't pay me enough to deal with this bullshit. It told me to bend over and take it when we adopted the twins. I went upstairs to deal with my heathens. When we return, Uncle Nixon will counsel them for being dumbasses. We need help with them. Well, I need help.
                          
*******
Mason
                          
I heard groaning and popped my head into the bathroom to see Matt hugging the porcelain throne. Casey walked by and stopped. He poked his head next to mine. 
                          
"What's the hell wrong with Matt?" Casey asked. 
                          
"My guess is he's pregnant," I replied. 
                          
Casey laughed. Matt held up his hand and flipped us off. We laughed as we walked away. Paybacks are a bitch. 
                          
"That wasn't nice," Casey mentioned. 
                          
"Who said that I'm nice? Matt plowed me with a ton of pop one summer, then chased me. I puked everywhere," I retorted. 
                          
Casey roared with laughter. People assume Matt is this fantastic guy, and he's a more powerful tool than Payton. We came downstairs and saw Elias and Nate sitting on the couch. 
                          
"What are you plotting?" I questioned. 
                          
"The great escape," Elias retorted. 
                          
"Yeah, we thought we would rob a bank and blame Nash and Grayson," Nate remarked. 
                          
I gave them a look. 
                          
"Ask a stupid question, get an equally stupid answer," Elias said with a shrug.