Chapter 5

                                    

                                          

HyunJin POV 
                          
The reason why I broke up with Felix. Why, you ask? When I clearly still like him?
                          
Because of my selfish decision of being afraid that I'll get hurt again, is the reason why I broke up with him.
                          
Isn't that stupid?
                          
Well. I guess I'm just a coward. 
                          
No one knows about my past. And I don't blame them. Since I never told anyone. To tell you a bit about myself. I was betrayed with all the relationships I have had. 
                          
Betrayal between friends and the people I trusted and loved. 
                          
They all used me for their own benefits. 
                          
They took my feelings to their advantage to satisfy their own needs. 
                          
All the people that I had ever loved. All had betrayed me at the very end. 
                          
And this is the very reason why I told myself, I couldn't love someone too much. Especially not when I was falling deeper in love.
                          
And because every moment I was spending with Felix, the deeper I fell in love with him. 
                          
Again and again. 
                          
The deeper I go, I'll get hurt just like previously. 
                          
And I don't want to repeat the same mistake. 
                          
I don't want to be hurt like I've did. 
                          
I was stupid. 
                          
Foolish. 
                          
And now. 
                          
I'm just a selfish coward. Afraid of being hurt.
                          
I just don't have the courage to love anyone.
                          
Or maybe, because I don't love myself enough to start a relationship.
                          
Or maybe I'm just not ready.
                          
Or maybe because I was so scared of being hurt again.
                          
I can't help it. 
                          
I just couldn't control myself and be reminded of the past.
                          
I'm scared.
                          
To the point of being betrayed again by my loved ones.
                          
By the one I trust a lot.
                          
The more I love him, the more I'm afraid. That there might be a possibility of him breaking me first.
                          
But I never.
                          
Never, ever.
                          
Had I wanted to break Felix.
                          
If I could go back.
                          
I wouldn't start the relationship. Because I know for the matter of fact. My fear of being betrayed again would never disappear.
                          
And the matter of fact because of this fear of betrayal that I have, I have hurted Felix. And this is the last thing I have ever wanted. 
                          
I rather it be me.
                          
That was hurt.
                          
And not Felix.
                          
Because I loved him more than I ever could, I had no choice. You can call it an excuse. But for me, I had no choice but to break up with him. And yet. I've broken him. Into too many pieces like the people who had hurted me. And now he's experiencing what I am experiencing. But it hurts me more because I was the one who's breaking him into tiny pieces. I was the one who could control it. 
                          
However.
                          
I've chosed to pushed him away because of my selfishness.
                          
I've chosed to pushed him away before he could get to know me. My past. Myself.