Chapter 13

                                    

                                          
I was aware of the dead weight of my body on the mattress as I lay in the early morning light. It was chilly outside the duvet and my arms had goosebumps, but I couldn't find the life inside me to move them. I was lost. My soul had given in and left me alone in this abyss of numbing agony. It was all so unreal that my mind failed to comprehend what had happened. Had I really lost my friend? Only a week ago I'd snuck out of this very room to hang out with him and now, as I lay staring blankly out onto the expanse of my room, I kept seeing his unresponsive body lying on the floor of the college hall. His soul had left his body and all in a moment, Zac's life had ended—much like my mum's had. He no longer existed in this world.
                          
The endless darkness pushed in at me from above, like an enormous bird of prey, opening its huge talons over my soul. The feeling was disturbingly familiar and I couldn't believe I was back here again so soon. I wondered if Zac might somehow exist in another dimension which my mum had gone to, or if he was simply another soul floating adrift the river of existence. Was he waiting to take host of another body and another life? Or maybe that was it and he was gone forever, leaving only memories in the minds of those that knew him. 
                          
A gentle knock at my door stirred my mind and I focused on the inanimate object I had aimlessly been staring at—the desk chair. It was strange, I thought, that sometimes you could become so lost in your own thoughts that you ceased to be able to see, despite your eyes being wide open.
                          
"Ava, love? You awake?" My dad's voice was quieter and gentler than usual, but I couldn't find the will to speak. If I stayed quiet, he'd think I was still asleep and I could drift off into my sea of thoughts again. I waited silently. Sure enough, the creak of the floorboard indicated his departure. 
                          
It wasn't until the second knock came at the door that I realised I'd drifted off into a light sleep. My body had finally given into exhaustion and let me fall asleep, if only for a short while. As I glanced at my phone, I saw that a few hours had passed, and I felt a tinge of relief at having successfully made it through two hours of the day. 
                          
"Ava?" The door opened a fraction and I felt dread yawn open before me. I didn't want to talk—not yet. His head appeared around the door, his eyes filled with concern. "I've brought you some tea and toast, love," he said, nudging the door open with his shoulder and stepping into my room. Placing the tray down on the floor next to my bed, he looked at me. 
                          
"I know it's hard, love, but try and eat something." He gave me a sympathetic smile which I didn't return before walking out of my room again, closing the door behind him with a small click. At least my dad understood me, probably more than my mum ever had. Mum would have been coaxing me out of bed to go for some retail therapy rather than leaving me to wallow, but somehow, he knew to leave me alone. I couldn't face anyone or anything today. My mind was full of Zac, and I began to wonder if he'd still be alive if I'd never met Sam. 
                          
Glancing over the side of the bed at the tray of toast, I hadn't even the energy to turn my nose up at the food. I simply was not inclined to eat. Pulling the duvet over my head, I listened to my steady breathing until my phone buzzed on my bedside table, making me jump. Irritated, I pushed the duvet off my head and reached out for my phone. As I grasped it and brought it to my face, I felt a small pang of disappointment, mixed with guilt, that it wasn't Sam. It was Louisa. 
                          
Feeling suddenly hot, I flung the duvet off my legs, swung around and sat up. It was the most I had moved since last night and my head spun, sending tiny blue white smears in front of my vision. I blinked and rubbed at my eyes, wincing as my arm throbbed.  
                          
Looking down at my bandaged arm, I remembered how Sam had pulled my sleeve up. Does this matter? he'd said, holding me against his chest and then finally admitting his feelings for me. But his use of the words 'I want you' seemed strange now. Was this in the romantic sense or was it another cryptic phrase I had to make sense of? As the spots cleared from my vision, I glanced down at my phone to look at Louisa's message.