Dead to me.

                                    

                                          
Based off the song Dead To Me by District3
                          
Prompt: Caspar and Joe have broken up, but Caspar isn't taking it well.
                          
Words: 1300 
                          
May 12 2017
                          
It was 7 weeks, 5 days, 18 hours and 12 minuets. That long since we last talked. I regret almost everything I said that night. Everything except the fact the I said ' I loved you'. That was never a lie. I loved you more then I loved myself. I wish we could just rewind the entire day.
                          
Again, why can't we start again?
Feels like I've lost my best friend
                          
We just looked at each other, everything we said sinking in. You said you hated me, I said I hated me. You said I never loved you, I said I did. I told you to leave, and all you did was stare at me with emotionless eyes. Did I finally do it? Did I finally break you? I didn't mean to.
                          
I stare into your eyes but they're so empty. Pretend, why can't we just pretend?
                          
I could tell that you were trying not to cry. I wish I would have ran over to you and hugged you. You deserved that much. Then again you deserve the world, no more then the world. Who we kidding any ways. We knew for 2 months that this was going down hill. It was my fault to. You tried your best to fix, even going as far as telling me to go to someone else.
                          
There's still a chance for us to mend. The broken parts that you keep trying to forget
                          
We both did some really stupid things, didn't we? I guess I won't put all the blame on you but I won't put all the blame on me. We both did it to each other. I'm trying to live again, go out with friends and have a laugh.
                          
Cause I, I try to find how to live again But can't bring myself to forgive again But now, I know, I'm not the one to blame
                          
When I saw you at the store the other day you stared into my eyes again. You turned away and left after that though. I instantly felt regret because I didn't try to talk you. You were so cold towards me. I guess I deserved it.
                          
So tell me how you could be so dead to me? You don't even shout or scream, smile or speak
                          
I saw you the next day at the theater and called your name. You didn't even flinch. I don't know why I feel bad. Should I? I guess I should. Now you just feel dead. Everything we did and felt is just dead.
                          
You won't even look at me, 'cause you don't feel anything. How could you be so dead to me?
                          
I would still take a bullet for you, bleed out. I wonder if I did, would you notice? Would you cry and scream for someone to help me. You still me so much to me. Do you still feel it? Do you feel that little jump your stomach does when you see me? I still do.
                          
I would bleed, just so I could hear you breathe and make you see
Just how much you mean to me, but you don't feel anything, anymore
                          
I still love you. I know I said loved but I was just mad. Mad that I couldn't fix this, neither of us could fix it. You said before all of this happened was that I was the only one. I don't want to let go of us. The memories that are so precious and fragile. I feel like one little thing could break them. I don't want that.
                          
Again, don't say that nothing's wrong Cause I'm not letting go of us
                          
It hurts so much though. Those memories hurt because I know that they will eventually fade to nothingness. That one day I will forget them. I don't want Joe. I don't want to forget what we had. I cherish them because that's all I have left of you. Those and all those love letters you wrote me. I sleep with them just to be close to you
                          
But I just can't hold on to what we have become
                          
I can't do this. When you left you took my heart and dropped it. You dropped it on the ground letting it shatter. I can't forgive myself for letting you go. Why did I have to be so stupid?
                          
Cause I, I try to find how to live again But can't bring myself to forgive again But now, I know, I'm not the one to blame
                          
How did you get out of my lie so fast. In a period of one day everything of yours was gone. I Remember your sister and her boyfriend coming over and taking everything. They gave me such pitiful looks that I hated. You know how I absolutely hated pity. The kept muttering the same things over and over and I wanted to explode. I wanted the world to just swallow me up and take me out of my pain.
                          
So tell me how you could be so dead to me? You don't even shout or scream, smile or speak
                          
They kept muttering 'he regrets it' or 'he felt nothing'. Was that true? Did you feel absolutely nothing? I want to believe that's a lie because of the many times you said 'I love you' or 'I never want to leave you'. I really hope you didn't regret it. I didn't regret a second except for that stupid fight. The fight that will forever be in my mind, playing over and over again.
                          
You won't even look at me, 'cause you don't feel anything.
                          
How could you feel nothing when I felt everything?
                          
How could you be so dead to me?
                          
My heart is shattered. It's bleeding so much. It's scraped and bruised and cut. It feels like a million knives are thrashing in it constantly. I never knew how much I had till it was gone. Now that your gone it yearns for you and only you.
                          
I would bleed, just so I could hear you breathe and make you see
Just how much you mean to me, but you don't feel anything, anymore
                          
When I close my eyes I see the images of you lying next to me. Humming with your beautiful voice that will forever be my definition of angels singing. Can't we try again? Can't we try and relight the spark the I know is still there. Can we try to love each other. This is my only wish.
                          
I close my eyes and I still see us like before So why won't you try to love me anymore?
                          
Please just explain how everything is gone. How it feels like a dream. How does something so great just vanish? What if it was all just a dream? Does that explain why everything feels so surreal?
                          
So tell me how you could be so dead to me? You don't even shout or scream, smile or speak
                          
I want to see those beautiful blue orbs again. The ones that I could get lost in for days on end. The ones when I was feeling bad that one look would calm me down. I wish they were here now. I can feel the lump in my throat now. The one that will eventually cause tears to fall from my eyes and onto this piece of paper. But I will never see those blue eyes again, will I?
                          
You won't even look at me, 'cause you don't feel anything
                          
How could something so strong, so great break? I guess even the strongest of things break.
                          
I will forever have you in my heart. 
Caspar Lee 
                          
So tell me how you could be so dead to me?
You don't even shout or scream, smile or speak
You won't even look at me, 'cause you don't feel anything.
How could you be so dead to me?
I would bleed, just so I could hear you breathe and make you see
Just how much you mean to me, but you don't feel anything, anymore