I wanna talk about Karens. You know what a Karen is, right? Well, for those of you who don't, a Karen is the type of white woman that always talks and acts like she's better than everyone else and is constantly seen in business establishments asking to speak to a manager. You know the kind: usually blonde with blue eyes, talks out of the side of her mouth, seems like her nose is stapled to her fucking forehead so she can make sure it stays stuck up in the air, kinda reminds you of Cher from Clueless if she wasn't funny, always makes a comment about how the water in a restaurant pales in comparison to the water she gets on tap through a filter that takes out the chemicals and lead and adds unicorn blood, pretty much the exact same person as Ann Coulter only slightly less cunty, talks like she always has a diamond butt plug shoved so far up her tight yoga-loving bleached asshole that she can feel it poking her pancreas, walks like she hasn't had an orgasm since that one time she rode her bike on a bumpy dirt road when she was twelve and she hated it so much that she decided then and there that she was never gonna cum again, always has her lips pursed so tight that she looks like she's doing an impression of a fish about to give another fish a blowjob, looks kinda like Regina George's mom from Mean Girls wished upon a star to make the Blue Fairy come down and grant her a wish so she became a real girl? It's guaranteed that you've known, met, and seen countless people like that in your life. Well, the internet has taken to calling them Karens. I have a few things to say about fucking Karens.
You see, Karens (along with Trumpian sycophants, most Republicans, Fox "News" reporters and correspondents, people that don't use their turn signal, people that park in more than one spot, sexual predators, people that can't be bothered to walk the ten feet to put their shopping carts in the rack to make them easier for the employees to collect later on, people that leave only one slice of sandwich meat in a package so that whoever tries to make a sandwich next doesn't have enough meat for it, bigoted morons, and just any stupid person in general) are the bane of my fucking existence. Especially the kind of Karen that goes around pointing her gun at unarmed protesters that weren't actually bothering her while her finger is actually on the trigger (which is a literal felony, by the way, read a fucking book sometime). Those are just the worst kind of fucking Karens. Those are the kind of Karens that turn and walk the other way whenever they see two or more black men that happen to be walking on the same side of the street as them and toward the direction they're coming from and all they're able to do is turn and walk the other way. A Karen, if she's reached her final form (because let's face it, Frieza was a total Karen... come to think of it, so was Chi-Chi if we're being perfectly honest), will tell you that that's not racist, even though it absolutely is. All this info may lead you to believe that Karens aren't very smart. I'm not saying that's true, but I'm not gonna deny it either.
The White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany (or, as I like to call her, "The Golden Dildo")? Oh, you'd better believe she's a fucking Karen. Just listen to the way she talks. It's like someone mixed a trust fund, mayonnaise, and saltine crackers together before accidentally adding Chemical X, only instead of making the Powerpuff Girls it made an uppity cunt that likes to try to redirect legitimate questions from the press by distracting them with the idiotic things she says so she can play yes man to a sexual predator/ pedophile/ garbage person that's only in the highest level of elected office because the electoral college is a fucking joke. Speaking of which, Ivanka Trump (or, as I like to call her, "The Diamond Douchebag")? She somehow might be the biggest Karen of them all. That's not necessarily because she's a terrible person who's a waste of space that literally has no qualifications to be working in the White House besides the fact that her dumbass father is somehow in charge (even though that's definitely a factor), it's mostly the way she talks and thinks and acts that makes her a Karen. Hell, you'd probably see her picture if you looked up "Karen" in the dictionary, you know why? Because she, without a doubt, is one of the most Kareny Karens to ever Karen. J. K. Rowling? You're goddamn right she's a fucking Karen. Trust me, I know she is because TERFs are just Karens with a more specific agenda as to the type of stupidity they need to spread in order to survive.
One Karen recently seemed to discover Adult Swim (which has been around since fucking 2001, by the way, though its seeds were planted long before that) and went all up in arms about it on Twitter because her child might see the horrific things they show there, ignoring the fact that there is literally a warning to parents that Cartoon Network is switching over to Adult Swim. Well, Karen, maybe your kid shouldn't be awake at two in the morning. After she got tons of flak for being a fucking idiot, she decided to say this: "When the darkness is exposed, the demons start panicking, try to minimize you and your message. They can't stop what's coming." No, I am not making that up. I swear. I swear to fucking Christ, it really seems to me like some people are too stupid to fucking dress themselves. "They can't stop what's coming?" Really? It amazes me that people this dumb are even able to type at all. Jesus Fucking Christ on a Cracker at Christmas. Well, anyway, here's my rebuttal:
shut the fuck up
Karen
you idiot
stop fucking talking
you don't have a fucking clue
what you are
talking about
yet you keep saying things
as if not speaking
would kill you
but I can assure you
it will not
how is the weather up there
on your
pretentious fucking high horse?
you're all idiots
how dumb
can they possibly fucking be?
what do you think "adult"
means in fucking Adult Swim?
Jesus fucking Christ
learn how to read
they're all reprehensible cunts
it terrifies me
that they
are allowed to have children
don't be a Karen
Karens are barely human
due to how little brain function they have
yet they do still
manage to be certifiably human
unlike the clumps of cells they try to defend
Karens are the bane of my existence
they just
won't
shut the fuck up
no matter how
you point out
how fucking dumb they are
I swear to fucking god and all things both holy and unholy, if you ever find a rampaging Karen in the wild and don't immediately want to kick her square in the clitoris with a glorious box shot like you're Katy from Letterkenny (aka a savage as fuck fucking barbarian), then it means that you're a fucking Karen too, and you also deserve a box shot. Any random white person you see could be a Karen. White guys that start to dial 911 when they see a black guy walking around that "looks suspicious" despite the fact that said black guy has lived next door to him for the better part of a decade? They're Karens. Those fat fucking dumbasses with the guns who protested having to wear masks because it restricted their freedoms? They're Super Karens. Lindsey Graham? Fucking Karen. Don Jr. and Eric Trump? Karens. Jared Kushner? Yep, total fucking Karen. Dean Cain? Tucker Carlson? Geraldo Rivera? Sean Hannity? George Zimmerman? Jesse Watters? Bastards. Also, Karens. Joe Rogan? He's what we like to call an "Uber-Karen", for he possesses certain powers that other Karens lack. Karens are the types of people that mistake having thoughts for being intelligent. In fact, I just came up with a new expletive phrase to exclaim whenever someone is being a hardcore Karen: "This is some sparkling water drinking, mayonnaise guzzling, Goya bean buying, 'she got raped because of the way she was dressed', 'Thanos was right', Starbucks coffee sipping, 'trans women being women means sex isn't real', 'All Lives Matter sounds way less controversial', Ivanka Trump, Kayleigh McEnany, Ann Coulter, Karen-ass fucking bullshit."
shut up, Karen, no one gives a fuck
about the stupid bullshit you've been saying
even Adult Swim isn't having any of it
since they called you out the next day
after you tried to somehow "expose the darkness"
good god— truly you are a brainless bitch
I don't think you even have some dust
somewhere in that empty head of yours
"All Lives Matter" is a stupid, fucking bullshit phrase
that you tote around so you can seem smart
even though you truly are fucking stupid
the same can be said for "Blue Lives Matter"
ain't no such thing as blue people
you've been saying some dumbass fucking Avatar bullshit these days
unless of course you mean people with methemoglobinemia
then that would make a lot more sense
"Black Lives Matter" doesn't mean that only black lives matter
black lives are the ones being oppressed right now
and they're the ones being murdered like dogs
in the streets in broad daylight and on film
so shut the fuck up and sit down, Karen
and by the way, Adult Swim is amazing
it has pushed the boundaries of surreal humor to its fucking limit
hell, it made some of those boundaries to begin with
plus, they made "The Heart, She Holler", which is weird perfection
so, any Karen that didn't know about Adult Swim
just straight up needs to shut the fuck up
goddamn Karens
fuck you
worthless bitches
the only Karen I trust
is Karen Gillan
