32.

                                    

                                          
It's not your fault. 
                          
These things happen. 
                          
There's nothing you could have done. 
                          
Sometimes, there's no definite cause.
                          
You could still have a viable pregnancy in the future.
                          
We can discuss options.
                          
He understood what the attending doctor was trying to say, what their own doctor who was video-called in, was trying to say. Logically, he could process it. Logically, he grasped that what happened wasn't preventable, that it was extremely common, and in the back of both of their minds, they had known that a miscarriage, especially in the first trimester was a very real possibility. What Dr. Larchmont was telling them, what everyone they encountered at the hospital was telling them, it all made sense and he could hear their sympathy, appreciated their gentle words of reassurance. He also was aware that they had some things to think about regarding what the next steps would be.
                          
But what belied any kind of rationale or logic was the sight of Stefani, curled up in the fetal position, her eyes red and raw from sobbing, sweeping her hands over her womb. The only words that had come out of her mouth since she stopped crying were, "Why? Why did this happen?"
                          
And he had no answers for her.
                          
Natali, upon hearing the news, was grief stricken, apologizing over and over, offering to make necessary phone calls and in the same breath, bursting into tears, her heart aching for her sister. 
                          
"I'll talk to her," Stefani's hoarse voice managed, making his chest ache and he handed her his cell, stepping out of the room to give her privacy.
                          
"Do you need anything?" Their nurse asked kindly, placing a hand on his forearm, "coffee, water?"
                          
Can you stop this from happening? He wanted to ask, the ache in his chest moving from a dull pinprick to an almost crushing weight. 
                          
He sighed, dragging a hand down over his unshaven cheek. "No, thank you. Can I ask you a question," he stole a glance at her name tag, "Katie? The doctor keeps talking about decisions and she's not elaborating. What kind of decisions does she mean?"
                          
"Well," she seemed to hesitate slightly, unsure just how much information she was at liberty to give, "Dr. Fried will be in soon to tell you more about that. She didn't want to overwhelm you with too much but basically, she'll give you some options regarding how you want this to play out...the miscarriage." Her face was a mask of sympathy and again, she lay a comforting hand on his elbow. "I'm so sorry. I know how difficult this all is."
                          
"Thank you. I don't know..." He trailed off wearily, rubbing his eyes, "I want to make it better for her and I can't."
                          
"No," Katie agreed gently, "you can't. But you can just love her. Be there. Don't forget about yourself, either. You lost a baby, too."
                          
Her words made his throat constrict and he exhaled, bracing a hand against the stark wall. "I'm going to head back in. Thank you for all your help. For listening."
                          
"You're welcome. If either of you need anything, I'll be right outside."
                          
The lights had been dimmed when he reentered the room and from the bed, Stefani handed him the phone wordlessly, drifting in and out on a cloud of pain meds they'd given her. 
                          
"Hey, sweetheart, I'll be right here, okay," he gestured to the chair next to the bed, sitting in it as he spoke quietly to Natali. 
                          
"She just cried and cried," Natali relayed and he heard her sniffle, "and I cried with her. I wish I could take away her pain...both of yours."