61 - Everything I Didn't Say

                                    

                                          
"Look, guys, I appreciate that you're trying to make me feel better. But I seriously just want to be alone," I said.
                          
I pressed the phone in between my cheek and pillow and curled up into a ball.
                          
"Okay, okay," Siena surrendered.
                          
"But if you change your mind just call us," Lucia added, raising her voice to be heard over the speakerphone.
                          
"Okay, I'll talk to you guys later."
                          
I hung up the phone and placed it on my bedside table, rolling over to stare out the window above my bed.
                          
It'd only been three days, but it felt like a year. I was emotionally exhausted from faking a smile at work and at home. I hadn't told my mom or dad the details, but I did tell Siena and Lucia what happened. Of course, Ale had tried very hard to convince me to talk to Michael but I didn't care. Even Calum and Ashton reached out. But I didn't care what they had to say. 
                          
It's too late.
                          
He had betrayed my trust and I wouldn't believe another word that came out of his mouth. I look back on the last four months and all I can think is who was I even dating? Who did I fall in love with? Because the Michael Clifford I thought I knew wouldn't have kept such a secret from me. He would've trusted me to tell me the truth from the beginning. Especially after I had shared with him such intimidate details about my own past. He never once let me in. Not really. He played me well. And I didn't even think twice.
                          
I really didn't know anything about him. And he knew everything about me.
                          
I let the tears silently fall onto my pillow and closed my eyes, hoping that I would just fall asleep.  
                          
A knock on my door startled me from my thoughts and I quickly wiped my face.
                          
"I'm going to sleep," I called out. 
                          
"Tesoro," my mom said softly as she entered my room and sat on the edge of my bed.
                          
"I know you don't want to talk about what happened, but I'm worried about you," she said as she rubbed my back.
                          
"I'm fine, mamma," I said, but it was obvious that I had been crying.
                          
She sighed and rolled my shoulder so that I was facing her. 
                          
"I was thinking maybe you would want to go stay with your grandparents for a while. Go see your cousins in Italy, get some fresh air and a fresh perspective."
                          
I shrugged, staring off into the dark abyss of my closet.
                          
"Think about it and let me know. Daddy can book your ticket," she said, pinching my cheek, "sleep well."
                          
I rolled back over once she had closed the door and I digested what she suggested. 
                          
It would be nice to get away and not have to talk to anyone here for a while. It would give me the space I needed to move on and get over the testa di cazzo.
                          
I let out a deep sigh and closed my eyes. I can make my decision tomorrow, right now, I just want to sleep. And not think.
                          
**
                          
I yawned and stretched my body before fumbling for my phone. When I unlocked it and opened my text messages, I immediately clicked on Michael's name to text him good morning. That's when I saw his texts from Saturday and remembered everything. I closed the app and noticed I had missed calls. And a voicemail. 
                          
It was from Calum. 
                          
I opened the voicemail and pressed the phone to my ear. To my surprise, it wasn't Calum on the phone.