The most traumatic experience I had as a teenager was when people manipulated the situation and abused my silence. People accused me of such actions when in fact, at my most miserable times, I never said it to anyone not even to my parents. I've always thought that what if, what if I was the first to tell it off to my parents? Wouldn't it be the other person to come out bad like how they did to me?
They never considered those times when they wronged me and acted like everything was my fault when truth be told, all I did was keep my own circle, isolate myself from toxic people and tried to become better. Just because of those people that opened their mouths to random people and those random people not trying to understand at all, made it even worse.
Just because I was silent, doesn't mean I wasn't hurt.
I remained strong because I know I am. I never told anyone in detail about how I feel because I always knew it would turn out bad the moment people started talking instead of listening to my rants and because I know I can do it alone as long as I can handle it. I hope they know how I considered them.
If bullying to them meant me not talking to anyone or just trying to avoid them, then how?
Why do you consider that?
Because you all know I was the first to always approach you and try to work things out but when the same shit happens, I just get tired.
In the end, I always end up being the bad one. I always end up having a "victim mentality." when I never even voiced out about how I feel - not until today by writing it. I get tired of trying to fix things because I know I also have my own flaws and mistakes but I'm doing my best to talk it out and y'all know I used to talk about my feelings all the time. That's because we have to share our real feelings about the situation in order to not have any grudge against each other.
I hope they didn't have the kind of mindset that settles for, "Forgiveness doesn't require reconnecting" when they never even tried. Forgiveness means you accept that person and his or her mistakes regardless of what he or she has done. That's what I have been doing.
I hope they'd picture things out; how things would have been if I were the one talking. What would happen if my strict parents were involved as well.
Because of the previous experience I had on it, it was cyber bullying and my parents were aware and they certainly made an action. And that is something I didn't want to happen again. It was something I successfully prevented from making it worse.
What I hated the most is when my parents were told about how I "hurt" those people. I was very frustrated and disappointed at that time. Because it was hard enough for me to keep my own problems and how others have brought me pain more as I kept my mouth shut.
How could they merely say it without even knowing my part?
And why do I keep my mouth shut often? Because I always put the word friendship first.
There were a lot of misunderstandings but I didn't understand the difference of me hurting them and them hurting me.
It was frustrating. And it was even frustrating to lose myself because of it. I was jolly. I really was. But as I grew up, I became more quiet, more conscious and anxious about everything. I had trust issues and didn't really want to be with a crowd anymore. I always try to distance myself from others because I don't want to experience the pain from the people I trusted and loved anymore.
I used to love going to school but now because of social anxiety, school is like hell to me. It wasn't hard to talk to me. I wished they talked to me first. Being afraid of me isn't a valid reason to avoid me because I am someone you know. Y'all know me to be intimidating, but y'all know I was always jolly before. They never even thought of our happy times and decided to themselves I was bad or I was a bully to them and it was a fcked up situation for me. I really got traumatized because of it.
People judge me because they always hear bad things about me especially during those times when I do nothing but enjoy my own space and become introverted. I had a hard time trying to cope up with depression. I felt miserable. It was miserable to feel alone but I needed it to become safe and to try to find myself again. Now, it was even hard for me to say hi to people. When I'm in a group of girls talking, people would always think I lead on talking about people or gossiping when in fact, I mentally become aware at times to stop taking further discussion on the topics about certain people. But how can they believe that? They believe what they want to believe. I just hope they stop talking about my life anymore. The audacity they have to talk about my life when they don't even know me. I hated it because I was always focused on my life and my own goals without minding others and I hope they do too.
I wish they'd just let me find myself again, enjoy my personal space and do the things that make me happy again.
It's hard but I'm trying to be better and to be okay. I'm trying.
09.11.20
