Resolution

                                    

                                          
The sky is clear tonight. The moon is dancing around my eyes, the north star tilting a little and the belt of Orion clearly shines in triumph. The stars are huddled together with their familial constellations. The little moonlight lights up the hills and the monastery shines on the hilltop in it's full glory. The view calms me. The serenity makes me want to sit back and forget whatever happened, and just enjoy the beauty, and not shed tears, but push them off into oblivion.
                          
I sit in the usual spot. I take a resolution, I shall trust no one. I as happy with myself before and I will be happy with myself just fine. I need no one to make me feel important and special.
                          
But I cannot forget the times when Aaron was with me. He made me feel special, he made me feel free, I gave him not only my friendship, but a little piece of my heart. He stomped on it and threw it back at me. I cannot lie to myself anymore. Today, seeing him with Anna broke my heart, because when I was supposed to be his friend, and he mine, It became something more, something that my little heart could not bear, but, alas, only my heart fluttered and not his. Unrequited love sure is hard. I keep on justifying his behavior to myself even when I know that my eyes didn't lie this afternoon.
                          
And Adam. He was my first love. I loved him, with my heart and soul in symphony with countenance to take through the world. But it lead to nowhere. Seeing him again today made me drench in the past, I cannot stop thinking how well time has been for him. His face has a mix of innocence and maturity. The boyish innocence is not lost, not all of it, but it had become more thoughtful, the face of someone who is utterly recognizable, and yet distant.
                          
 I don't know what to do, I don't know how I stop my feelings from getting the reign, because if they do, they will destroy me, once more, such that I will not be able to stand up again. ON the same day, I met two men, the one who drove me into the shell and the one which drove me out of it, but, both of them broke my heart into pieces and one sole reason was for it:Anna.
                          
I should not be vindictive towards her. She is not the bad guy, I am. It was my fault, everyone else suffers the consequences for me. Maybe if I had not been there, everyone would have been happy, Maya would have been free of the responsibility, Anna would have not left, and so many things. I bring with me nothing but chaos. But I will not divulge anymore into self pity and self loathing. I must hide behind my shell again, shroud myself away from people and I might have a chance to set things right.