23

                                    

                                          
ROSE
Denial was stage one.
At first, I blacked out all of the thoughts and feelings I had towards Tobias. Of course, they were still there, but they were kept under a lock and key somewhere deep inside of me, where even I had a struggle reaching.
It was perfect, since there was nothing else that could've been done. If I had just kept myself in denial a month or two longer, perhaps it would've been easier to deal with all of the emotions.
I was looking through my camera roll, trying to find a picture of Sam and me from a few years ago on her birthday, just to show her that I was, in fact, saving all of the photos we'd taken over the years, since she was always switching up her phones and never had any pictures.
Somehow, before I went that far back, I accidentally opened a photo of myself with Toby's shirt on. It was the morning after we'd had sex for the first time, and back then, I was all happy and was sending Sam the photo just to show her that I did get to fuck him.
However, as soon as my eyes landed on the white, almost sheer button down shirt, something inside of me snapped. Before I knew it, I was staring at the photo with tears streaming down my eyes.
Fucking hell. And I was doing so good.
And it wasn't the fact that I saw a picture of myself in his shirt that made me sob, it was the way I looked. So much happiness and peace was in the faint smile I'd given to Sam. I was too oblivious as to what was going to happen and it hurt.
The girl in the photo was me, from not too long ago, yet it felt as if I was staring at someone unknown. I had lost some weight since then, and it was definitely visible. My face was slimmer and it didn't look good. It looked unhealthy and no matter how hard I tried, I was barely able to stomach the meals.
More often than not, I'd have a few bites and be done with it. The last time I ate an entire meal prepared for me was when Tobias was cooking.
And I missed his cooking. I missed looking at him from afar whilst he was too busy cooking to notice my staring. The way he was able to prepare the most delicious food at the top of his head, at any given time.
The passion that he held for food and the love and care he put into each bite was mesmerizing, and admiring, too.
By the time I was at least trying to remove Tobias from my thoughts, I was a sobbing mess. I had a hiccup and my eyes wouldn't stop watering. Each thought of him was like a direct blow to my gut. It physically hurt to think about him.
It was too pathetic for me to ever admit of this happening. Rose Solace feeling pain because of a man? Not only was it embarrassing, it was also... tragic. Because I was well aware that no matter how great the next person I met might be, no one will compare to Tobias.
Because, if I hadn't gotten my heart broken by him, I wouldn't have known how strong of a bond I had created. It didn't matter if it was one-sided, it was still a bond.
And at that moment, the last tear slipped when I decided I had enough. If it was meant to be, it would've happened. Right person at the wrong time was still the wrong person. The right person would show up at the right time.
I took a shower and put a lot of ice on my face, since it swelled from all the crying. I needed to put myself together and look presentable, since Ryland texted me to tell me he would be picking me up in a few hours to have dinner with our parents.
I made a low, sleek ponytail and the rest of the hair was pinned straight. My makeup was kept minimal, yet classy. I went for a basic look since I was too exhausted, mentally, to try and do something more complicated.
I found a two piece, pants and a blazer, in the back of my closet. They were sent to the dry cleaners after I purchased the set, but I was yet to wear it. Since it was beige, I threw on a tight, black blouse underneath and paired all of that with a black belt and a pair of black heels.
I laughed when I looked at myself in the mirror. It wasn't that I didn't look good — because I did. It was just... I looked too much like Lilly. It was truly so ironic, but I was running out of time to change into something that was more me, so I decided to roll with it.
Ryland called me when he was downstairs and I was quick to leave my home and get into the passenger's seat.
''How pissed will they be once they see me?'' I asked as I buckled myself.
He chuckled, ''No idea. Let's see.''
—
To say that they were pissed would've been an understatement. Truth to be told, it wasn't anger as much as it was surprise. I was sure that they knew I was back in New York, but they definitely didn't expect to see me.
Mom's lost weight. Understandable, expected. The divorce was hitting her hard and it was rough sitting next to her soon-to-be-ex-husband. It was even worse seeing me, the spitting image of my father in front of her.
I was unsure if the memories were true, or if it was my imagination, but I could've sworn that dad and I used to have a great relationship. Somehow, I had a feeling that mom was the one who ruined it. It was one of the saddest things I'd witnessed — being jealous of your child.
Probably why I wanted to remain child free.
''Now, this is a surprise.'' Said my father. He was the one to break the most uncomfortable silence of my life. Ryland was trying hard not to laugh, and mom seemed uninterested in anything but giving me a death glare.
''Why?'' I retorted, ''Am I not a part of this family?''
Dad rolled his eyes, ''I never said that. Your brother never mentioned you were coming, that's all.''
''And you never bothered inviting me, either. So which one is more surprising?''
Mother interfered, ''Don't talk to your father that way.''
I chuckled, ''Defending him now won't stop him from divorcing you, you're trying too hard.''
''Dear Lord.'' Dad mumbled under his breath while Ryland was giving me the look, telling me to calm the fuck down before I ruined the only chance of us getting what we wanted.
''I can tell that the trip to your grandmother's didn't help, at all.'' Mom stated, folding her arms in front of her chest with a disappointing sigh.
I smiled, ''It tends to happen when you force people to do something they don't want to.''
She blinked, ''I never forced you.''
I tilted my head to the side and raised a brow, ''No, but it was an ultimatum. You knew I had to accept it. Great parenting skills, by the way.''
''Settle down.'' Dad raised his voice slightly, as a warning, ''Now, let's have a peaceful meal before we start talking about what the two of you are scheming.''
He was looking between Ryland and me, and I rolled my eyes. I remembered why dinners with my parents used to be unbearable, and it was definitely not a nice surprise these days either.
I never thought I'd ask of this, but may the Lord above help me survive this. I needed all the help I could get.