forty seven.

                                    

                                          
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forty seven.
                          
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ㅤi had spent every day with the boys, from rehearsing with them to fooling around with them. every day that passed they were more tense about the final, which was understandable. even i was very nervous. that was why i decided to spend more time with them trying to make them not think about it.
                          
ㅤyanjun had also been a bit distant from me, as he was trying to rehearse as long as possible and then rest, so i didn't want to bother him. since he had been chosen as the center, he was working even harder every day to be able to do a good performance in the final.
                          
ㅤwith that, the days went by and we got to the eve of the finale. there were less than forty eight hours left for it to start and everyone was anxious. it was clear that no one was going to be able to fall asleep that night.
                          
ㅤthe mentors met with all the trainees in the gym that we always used to do the last evaluation of the groups. i couldn't believe that it was already the last one. the first one had seemed to be the day before, but we were already on the verge of the finale. i had mixed feelings about it.
                          
ㅤfinishing the program made me sad, becausei had spent three months there making new friends, getting to know and learn more every day and, above all, proving myself as an artist and mentor. it was an experience i would never forget and, above all, one that had changed me in a better way.
                          
ㅤon the other hand, finishing the program meant saying goodbye to many people that i would most likely never see again. i was hoping to keep in touch with many of the boys, like xukun or chengcheng, but i knew that with many others it was not going to be easy.
                          
ㅤand finally, there was the issue of yanjun. being in that place had been like a shelter. nobody, apart from the trainees and cheng xiao and jieqiong, had heard about what was going on between us because only the idol producer staff could get in there and we weren't exposed. plus we had been very careful. but going out, not being in a show and living in different countries, was going to be very difficult. there were going to be a lot of rumors, a lot of pictures and a lot of videos if we kept going out together. i lived in south korea and he lived in china. how were we supposed to continue our relationship like that? i didn't want to leave him. yanjun had made me very happy and i was very comfortable with him. i felt he was the right person, but i had no idea what was going to happen in the future.
                          
ㅤi spent days thinking about all that. i wanted to hug yanjun and hope that the show would go on for a few more months. that way everything would be much easier. we wouldn't have to fight with distance and more importantly with our own agencies. i was afraid just thinking about it.
                          
ㅤit haunted me so much during the night that i had to call someone to speak to. my first pick was doyeon, she was always my first pick. i talked to her about my feelings, how scared i was and she adviced and calmed me, saying everything would be alright. in addition to her, zeren also spoke to me every day since he left. i took the opportunity and spoke to him about yanjun and he also advised me.
                          
ㅤwith their help, i was able to see the future a little less darkly. anyway, i decided not to give it much more thought and just focus on the present, because that was where we were.
                          
ㅤi hadn't spoken to yanjun for two days because i didn't want to disturb him. when i had time to be alone with him, zhangjing or chaoze would tell me that he was sleeping in the room, and when he had some free time, i happened to be rehearsing with 'mack daddy' team.
                          
ㅤso, when i went into the gym with the other mentors and saw him there, the thoughts i had been having during those days came back. i started thinking how many more times i could see him like that, in person, and i had to make the effort to stop thinking about it. i was zoning out, without paying attention to what the rest was saying. i only knew i was sitting there, ronghao was speaking and the trainees were listening to him while sitting.