ten

                                    

                                          
I sit in my bed with my knees pulled into my chest. I took work off for the next week in fear Matthew would walk in. I've been ignoring his calls and texts for the past two days. The scene of him and his wife walking past me keeps replaying in my head. It was as if I was even there. Like I was a ghost just walking by. As if I didn't even exist. 
                          
My phone lights up and I see him calling me. I choose to ignore it and stare at it until it goes dark again. This has become a routine. Matthew texts me at least four times and day and calls me twice. I can't face him. 
                          
I'm so stupid. I fell in love with a married man and now I'm facing the repercussions. 
                          
I tried to prepare myself for this day. I thought I'd be okay. I'd be able to handle it. I hear a knock at my door and I get up to take it. I had ordered take out to force myself to eat. I haven't been able to since the hotel. 
                          
I open the door and shut it quickly when I see who's behind it. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to hear his excuses or pleas. I don't want him to see how much he's broken me. 
                          
I turn my back to the door and bite my nails. What do I do? Just wait till he leaves? I hear him open the door, but I don't turn around to look at him. The door closes and we stand in silence. I don't have anything to say to him. 
                          
"I understand why you don't want to talk to me. I-I just can't lose you." His voice cracks and I hear him sniffle. I've never seen or heard Matthew cry. I turn around to see his eyes are red and puffy. Tear streaks stain his cheeks. I walk over and wipe the tears from his face. I can't say no to him. Everything in my body is telling me to make him leave, but here I am holding his face in my hands. I am utterly pathetic. 
                          
"I adore you." He sniffles. Those three words have become our own secret code. It's a way for us to dance around the word love. A tear slips out of my eye, and he gently wipes it away. 
                          
"Please say something, Lydia." He begs and a soft smile crosses my face.
                          
"Something." 
                          
Matthew pulls me into a hug and squeezes me tight like I'd be able to slip through his fingers. This is so wrong, but I can't say no.