forty four.

                                    

                                          
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forty four.
                          
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ㅤi was sitting at one of the tables in the dining room that only staff members and mentors used. as cheng xiao and jieqiong were not there, i was alone so i had decided to sit down to dinner with some staff members that i knew very well from having been with them so much. yixing had gone back to china to record that day with the trainees, but as soon as the recordings were finished, he had to go back to korea so i couldn't be with him.
                          
ㅤthe trainees had been recording content for the show all day, as well as the rankings, which had been recorded in the afternoon that day. they hadn't wanted to tell me who had been eliminated until after dinner, which i found unnecessary because they were taking time away from saying goodbye to the boys.
                          
ㅤright after dinner, a staff member brought me a new folder, which contained the pictures of the twenty guys who had made it through to the final and their ranks. so there i was, sitting at the table with two staff members. we had already finished dinner and most of them had left.i had the folder on the table, open with all twenty boys in front of me, but i didn't want to believe it. the two girls who were at the table also came over to look at the names. i checked the list of boys about five times before i realized what was going on.
                          
ㅤ"this can't be real" i said, while looking at the folder. 
                          
ㅤit was a bittersweet feeling. i was very happy for the twenty trainees who had made it through to the final. my face lit up as soon as i saw xukun, yanjun, ruibin, zhangjing, jeffrey, chengcheng and many more. all the trainees deserved to make it through to the final and that was clear, it wasn't a question of who made it through and who didn't. it was a survival program and i had it assumed to such an extent. but i was very sorry to have to say goodbye to trainees that i thought i would be with them until the end.
                          
ㅤbetween them, clearly zeren. he was way down in the rankings and really thought he was going to make it to the finals. he had worked so hard and he deserved it so much, but why wasn't he higher?! i was angry, but that feeling immediately turned into something else.
                          
ㅤi realized that the trainees would be putting their things in the suitcases, leaving the rooms and even going down the stairs at that moment. they would have said goodbye to everyone, cried, hugged each other and made up their minds that they wouldn't be there anymore.
                          
ㅤi didn't even bother to take the folder with me. i grabbed a piece of a napkin and quickly wrote something down on it with a pen that was there. then i quickly got up from my seat and told the staff members that i was going to leave as soon as possible to say goodbye before they left. they nodded as i left as quickly as possible and started running through the corridors.
                          
ㅤi couldn't believe that i wouldn't see yanchen, zhou rui, quanzhe, xinchun, yue yue, mubo and many more walking around the corridors. laughing loudly or dancing in the rooms. they were really leaving. reality hit me while running towards them.
                          
ㅤi entered the building crossing paths with staff members and quickly walked up the stairs to the floor where the trainees' bedrooms were. some trainees were already in the corridor with their bags about to go down the stairs.
                          
ㅤi stopped and hugged them and said goodbye to each and every one of them. i was going to miss them a lot and the place with only twenty trainees would feel very empty, so much so that it would even be sad. the trainees also took the moment to thank me for being their mentor, which i appreciated very much. many had red eyes from crying and it broke my heart just to see them. the worst thing of all was that i knew exactly how they felt.
                          
ㅤwhen i had said goodbye to the trainees in the corridor, i went door to door looking for more of them to leave. even though i was not very close to some of them, i wanted to say goodbye to them because it was one of the last times we would see each other.