Chapter 47

                                    

                                          
It's amazing how lonely someone can feel when they're not alone.
The memories play in my head on a loop. Not even older ones, some of the most powerful ones. Plans were easily made, places to protect, people to meet and love, things to try and cherish. I wanted them to show me everything wonderful there, and I feel like begging for their attention now, their eyes were staring at someone else.
Even if I turned mine too, it wasn't as hard as the others, maybe I hate her, maybe I hate myself, maybe I hate my heart for feeling like this. She has suffered from abandonment... And I stand behind them now, watching, listening. The words hurt, the sight hurts, and I haven't stepped out of the room so they cannot see my darkened eyes, because these thoughts make me feel awful.
Now that she's on our side, only her being there will mean less pain for them when I'm gone. It meant a lot from her part, just not enough. I fought my own frustrations the whole night. No breakdowns, no meltdowns. As mad as I was, as furious as I was, I can't simply ask her to leave when in truth, I don't want to. 
My heart pounded and I didn't cry. There was no forcing a romance that wouldn't work, I knew that. I did. It just wasn't fair how it left me feeling so empty when I can see them feel whole.
Now everything is clear. I was never the one destined to be with her.
I breathed in and let it out slowly. I would just learn to live with the pain for the time being. Soothing myself with a song that could only ever make it worse.


Adora reached up to brush my shoulder with her hand, an awkward motion given our position, but it allows me to exhale. I hate myself for how any mention of her puts me on edge, given everything Adora and I have been through together, everything Adora has done for me, but the anxiety lingers. 
I bring my hand to meet Adora's and she laces my fingers together. "Yeah?" I asked her.
I remembered when I didn't want to have this conversation. It was a cold night. She had come to me.
"Yeah. She was-- There's good in her, (Y/N). And you know, I used to be the same. I used to believe in the empire more than anyone. When we fight, it kills me. I know she could choose the right path."
Adora falls silent, all I heard from her is her breathing, just a little quicker than usual. "Listen. I promise you, Adora. You did the right thing. you're doing the right thing. Catra already made her choice, and she makes that choice over and over, every day, every damn second she stays with the Horde. Maybe one day, she'll wake up and realize it's the wrong one, but until then, and if she never does at all, whatever happens, isn't your fault. You aren't responsible."
Adora didn't say anything for a minute or two. "You're right." She finally said, standing up. "Sometimes I feel like, like, I should have tried harder. Or something. I did try, though."
Adora turns, shuffling over to my side of the bed, taking my hand and pulling me up so that our faces are inches apart. The moonlight hit the side of her eyes, lighting them up and reminding me that in sunlight, they're the color of the summer sky the day we met.
"Catra has made her choice..." She muttered, leaning in, breathing the words across my lips.
"And so have I."
I bounced up from the dream. I huffed anxiously, trying to calm down. When my heart wasn't pounding as strong as before, I looked down only to be surprised by the sight of Catra, sleeping on my belly.
"Catra..." I whispered. "Catra." I started shaking her shoulder, causing her to awake. My cheeks flushed slightly when her eyes opened, but I shook my head, forgetting about it. "Why... Are you in my room? What's wrong...?" I asked her.