Part 7

                                    

                                          
I didn't sleep the whole night after we had sex. All I was thinking was about Ed. What would I say to him? How could I face him ? After all this? Getting back with my boyfriend? I had no fucking idea. The night we had, the way Ian made me feel was unimaginable. I never felt this side of his for so long. It was nothing like before, it was soft, gentle and intimate. I never felt so close to him in these years. He made me feel special and precious.  Like he was telling me something, something that he cherished me. I was laying down on my side while I stirred towards him and he placed his arm around me. His scent engulfed me. I smiled him while he smiled in his sleep. "Did you get any sleep ?" He groaned softly. I hugged him tightly. "Nope. Have been thinking something. It occupied my mind. " I said softly,  kissing his shoulder. 
                          
He turned towards me and pulled me closer with my waist, I smiled. "Is it.. I am really sorry.. "
                          
"No... It is something else.." I looked down, trailing my finger on his chest absentmindedly . 
                          
"Let's hear it. " He locked his eyes with me, while I kissed his shoulder softly.
                          
"I don't think you will like it.. "
                          
"Okay, I think I still wanna hear it. " He said while hovering over me and cupping my cheek softly. I sighed.
                          
I sat up and so did he, he patiently waited for me to answer. I had to let out. I was never the person to stand a relationship on secrets. I was not the person like my exs. I never want to hurt my partner. But no one is perfect. Everyone does mistakes and so do I. And I would just let him know. Then it's in his control to forgive me or let me go. But it is my right will or choice to let him know. Whatever happened in the past, he still is my boyfriend and today when i want to come back to him, he has a right to know. " I kissed someone yesterday night. I was upset and I was attracted to him and we kissed. " I said in a fast tone getting out of my chest. 
                          
I closed my eyes in regret. Suddenly I felt Ed's lips on mine, I imagined the moment his lips were on mine, how did he make me feel so pure ? He made my stomach churn, my shoulders flop and my knees weak. How a sudden touch of his hands trailing to my waist, holding me with his strong hands gave me shivers for wanting more. The shallow breaths of utter pleasure and reaching out for more made me hard again and then I heard a sudden voice of Ian, It crashed me down to reality, And for some reason I didn't want to come back to the ground. But I opened my eyes, listening to him. 
                          
"Umm.. Okay. I don't know what to say. " He muttered out. 
                          
"I am sorry, I didn't mean too. It just happened so fast. It was impulsive. I wasn't even going to kiss him, he kinda did. So it was my fault. I continued it. Many of the reasons behind it was, I was upset with us and so many emotions led to it. Not that I am blaming you but I was just......Tired. Tired of fighting for us. Tired of getting hurt. Tired of being pushed away. Just Tired. And he... made that go away. Surprisingly. " I spoke being confused by myself by the words coming of my mouth. 
                          
We sat there in silence, naked under the sheets while we processed everything. Ian was quiet. I was quiet surprised by myself that I wasn't scared of kissing Ed. But why wasn't I ? It wasn't right. Technically, after the breaking up call, Ed kissed me. So was I cheating ? But was that call enough ? No, it wasn't. 
                          
I breathed hard with the conflicting thoughts in my head. I would be broken if Ian did the same to me. But seeing the beak past of us, I would never hurt him the way he did to me. Never. But he loved me and he was weak. He took the support of alcohol when I could help him. But he always pushed me away. I shouldn't have done that. I should have stopped and not allowed Ed to carry me away. But I never was weak, What made Ed different ? Was I doing the right thing ? getting back with Ian ? Do I love Ian ? Ofcourse yes. I love him. But I can't deny the fact that there is some force between Ed and me that brings us together every fucking time and that fact is just spinning my mind. 
                          
"Was the kiss after the call ?" I heard his weak voice
                          
"Yeah.." I mumbled 
                          
"Josh... Do you like him ?" I heard his crack voice. Oh god Ian, please don't do that.
                          
I breathed hard, sighing. Do I like him? I just know him for three days. Is that enough? I don't know. It was too fast. Maybe I was in a desperate need for affection and Ed did that for me. 
                          
"No.. I just know him for three days. I don't know, that's too fast to know I guess. " 
                          
"Okay.. Maybe an easier question. Do you love me then ?" I heard him ask in a quiet voice. 
                          
I looked at him with a smile. Ian. I sighed, shaking my head. I sat on him, locking my arms on his neck. He placed his hands on my butt. I played with his hair while he kept his eyes on me. "Ian.." I said in soft voice, kissing him softly. I pulled away. "I will never grow out of love for you. Maybe we had some tough times. But I will always love you Ian... You are a part of me, baby. My best friend, my love, my boyfriend. Promise me.. You won't push me away again. We will do this together okay ? Please." 
                          
I say tears rolling down on his cheeks, I pouted and wiped his tears with my thumb. I smiled. "Don't cry.." I mumbled. 
                          
"I am sorry.. I am sorry for everything. I just couldn't control. We will go through this. You make me happy and I want to make you feel the same way. I will never hurt you again, never push you again, always take care of you. Please give me this chance.. I love you so much. " He said embracing me tight, I smiled, rubbing his head softly. Kissing his head to sooth him, God, I can't leave him. I just can't. "I love you too Ian.. "
                          
-
                          
In the morning, I had work. Soon I showered and got dressed. Ian was asleep. I made some breakfast for us. I walked over to Ian and saw him sleeping like a baby. I kissed his lips, while he opened his eyes slowly. "Morning" I smiled. 
                          
"Work?" He asked sitting up. I sat next to him. "Yup, made some breakfast for you." I caressed his cheek, he turned towards me. He leaned over and kissed me softly. "When will you be back ?" I heard him, holding me tight, resting his chin on my shoulder. "Soon.. by 6 ?" I held his hands in mine. He nodded.
                          
"Gotta go.. I will see you later okay.." I stood up when he caught my hand. I looked at him "I have an interview today.." I raised my eyes. "Yeah ? That's really good Ian..Best of luck. Let me know how it goes, okay?" I went closer and leaned down to kiss him softly. 
                          
"Bye.. " I pulled away while he nodded a wide smile. 
                          
I soon was at the institute walking to my cabin when I saw Ed sitting in the waiting area. I stopped midway when I connected my eyes with him. Fuck. I wasn't ready to face him. I wasn't ready to do this. I didn't want to tell him yet. I didn't know how to go through this easily and make him understand. What if he would hurt himself again ? what if he would commit suicide again ? The fear of the truth crippled in my body and I felt like on a ticking bomb. God, he looked really great in his jeans and jumper. His hazel eyes beaming with happiness. I could make out that he was so happy to see me. How can I do this? Oh god... Why you doing this to me ...
                          
"Hey.." He walked up to me and placed his hands on my neck, pulling me closer placing his lips on mine. Oh fuck. I kissed him deeply. The spark, the electrifying waves in my body couldn't take it anymore. I kissed him back regardless of people looking at us. This felt so right, so where I had to be. All my mistakes in life, all my turns in life led me exact here where I had to be. It felt like this was what I was missing. Why didn't I feel this with Ian ? I kissed him while Ian came infront of my eyes. I pulled away abruptly, regretting. Placing my hand on Ed's chest, feeling his heart pounding. He was feeling the same thing like me. My heart was pounding too. And even though I wanted to kiss him like my life depended on it, I couldn't. Ed looked at me, confused. I closed my eyes in a pained expression. 
                          
I had to do this even if my heart is sinking and even though it breaks Ed's heart. I couldn't get his hopes up. That would be so wrong. So wrong on my part. And I would never want to be that person who hurts someone deliberately.
                          
"Ian and I have come back together. " I said looking at him while I saw Ed's stumble back. 
                          
"What?" I heard his cracked voice as I saw his face in a shocked expression.