Chapter 13

                                    

                                          
Quinn's POV 
                          
After Puck leaves I race to the bathroom around the corner and vomit. I fall to my knees and convulse again. Then I vomit again this time nothing coming up. I fall to the side of the cold porcelain and lean my head onto the seat. I wipe my mouth off with my bare arm and let the cold toilet cool me down. Thoughts of Rachel come spilling into my mind and my stomach comes spilling out of my mouth. As the vomit rises and comes out of my mouth it also comes out of my nose, burning as it drips into the toilet. I cough a couple times, a few stray chunks fall from my mouth. I blow hard out of my nose and more chunks come out. I groan and my mom places a hand on my back. I didn't hear her come downstairs from her room I was barfing so loud. 
                          
"Come on sweetie lets get you off of the floor." She winces as she lifts me up because she touches the remnants of barf on my arms. "Oh poor Quinnie. Come on I'll run you a shower." I nod once and she threads her arm though mine steadying me. As we start our slow and clumsy decent up the stairs my mom struggles to hold me. 
                          
"I'm fine Judy I can walk up the stairs." I feel my stomach convulse but I don't let myself gag. 
                          
"Are you sure?" I nod but she doesn't let go of me. We reach the top of the steps and my feet give out. My mom just barely catches me. "I'm going to call Puck as soon as I get you in the shower." 
                          
"No." I choke out. "He is with Rachel." I feel the bile rise but I swallow it down. She somehow dragged me into the bathtub. My back rests on the hard surface as I start to pull my clothes off. 
                          
"Here let me help." My mom reaches for the hem of my shirt but I push her away. 
                          
"I'm fine." She raises the eyebrow that always made me tell the truth when I was a little girl. "I'm fine just put a towel on the rack." I groan and sit up waiting for my mom to close the shower curtain. When she does I pull off all of my clothes and run the water over my body. I leave the cold water running as I lean back and relax into the sensation.
                          
I let the cold water wash away all the bad things. All the pain, the remorse, the loss, the vomit. But it doesn't work except for the vomit part. All the stray pieces of bile run down off my body and down the drain. I want to say it reminds me of the first time I barfed like this but it doesn't at all. Right now I can feel everything, my every mistake bleeding though me. Bleeding me. Before I was lost in somewhere I can't really explain. It was this darkness, this safe little pit my mind escaped to when I found out. I haven't found that place again. And I don't want to either. That place ruined me and I know if I go back I won't be able to pull myself out of it.  
                          
So I stay here bathing in cold water. I lazily run a soapy wash cloth across my whole body making sure to try and scrub where I wiped my mouth off on my arms. I lean forward and onto my knees. I push my body up with all of my strength. I stand up as slowly as humanly possible. It almost seems like hours before I shut off the water and climb out of the bath tub. My mom left a towel on the toilet so I wrap it on my body and sit on the toilet.  
                          
I hate this bathroom because this was where I made love to Rachel the first time. I plunged into her until she came onto my hand. A memory I can't take back and I don't want to take back because I know one day we will get back together. I just don't know when. 
                          
I get up off the toilet and make my way to my room. I drop my towel as soon as I enter my room. I slink into my bed without putting any of clothes. I immerse myself into the covers and I just lay there. Thinking and thinking about my future, with and without the love of my life.  
                          
My life with out her wouldn't be as good. I would graduate high school go to some college. Probably date or marry a man because every time I try to get with a girl all I picture is Rachel. Live a mediocre life at a stale job. Have a couple kids. Probably get divorced because I don't love the guy. I physically can't love a man, well fall in love. I'd probably kill myself after a few years because the only person I have ever wanted is not by my side.