"Yes mom, I will eat dahi shakkar before leaving. You just relax. This time I have prepared very well, and I am sure I'll make the cut." I told her for the ninth time. "Achcha take care and perform well, and don't forget to go to the temple before going." She was quite hopeful, for the ninth time. "Ok I'll go, but now I need to cut the call, so that I can leave." I smiled and I felt that she didn't. It was eight in the morning and the exam was to start at nine. The centre of examination was at a walking distance. I took my essentials and left the PG room. It was a warm morning, like every other time. Everything seemed so unchanged, so monotonous. The same park, but no kids played. The traffic as usual did its best to hinder each and every step I took. The Paan wale bhaiya had already set up the shop, and was busy washing the paan leaves. Each and every step I took seemed heavier. Because that's what I had been doing for last five years. Just walking the distance and returning home without result. I went to the temple and just joined my hands and prayed for a success. I moved out and then continued my endless journey to the examination centre.
Five minutes were left for the exam to start, and I had already taken the seat allocated to me. I tried not to look at new brewing talent all around me, young boys just appearing for that exam with full zeal and confidence. I tried not to compare myself to them. As in those five years the one thing that I had come across several times was this advice, "Everyone is different, you are also special, but maybe not for this job." I could still see that same old watch hanging on the wall just above the faded black board. The two invigilators were always a pair of "I don't care," and "you all are my kids." And then they just started distributing that annoying OMR sheet and gave the same explanation about filling it. And then I saw those question papers approaching seat by seat. The fear again took its place. As soon as the paper was put on my table, I just joined hands and touched the paper and then my forehead and my chest taking the blessings and the exam started. I kept shuffling up the paper, from one section to other and then one question to the other. I did it with confidence and fear, as this time I was hopeful that I would qualify, so I just kept on scribbling on the rough sheets and circled the OMR, and thus the exam concluded well.
It had been a month, after I gave the exam, and the midnight was two minutes away. I hadn't eaten all day. I was sitting on the bed with lights off. The only light which illuminated the whole room was of the laptop screen with the result site opened. There was complete silence. The clock ticked at every second and it punched my mind to the innermost. The sound of the old air conditioner gave me some relief in those summer days and assured that at least something in the world was in my favor. The fingers entangled with each other while I just salivated my dried up lips again and again. The tension, was just taking over me. I felt the pressure in my mind, in my heart, in my soul, and in my parent's mind and heart building up. And it just went too high that I couldn't bear that anymore and as I was just about to shut the screen, when the wall clock cooed midnight and the screen loaded. I searched the list and, it wasn't there. I had failed again.
And yet again, just like I had failed, I again went to that Paan wale bhaiya. I went out to the shop and just stood there to take some deep breathes of fresh air. "Bhaiya, please give a cigarette." I said, took one, lighted it and started smoking.
"How are you bhaiya? Hope you are having a great business, nowadays." I said to him just puffing my cigarette.
"I am all fine sahab, all from God's grace and your wishes."
"Weather is quite cool tonight!" I exclaimed.
"Sahab, can I say something if you don't mind?" I nodded, took a puff and smiled.
"Sahab, it happens in life that you don't achieve something even after several tries. But that doesn't mean we should give up. You'll see that in the next attempt you'll not be here sitting and burning your lungs, instead you will be sleeping calmly in your room." He smiled. He knew that I had only been asking him for a cigarette twice a year, when the result would be out and I would just fail. But I just smiled back to him and sat down on the bench. And my phone rang.
