28. Happiness Is A Butterfly

                                    

                                          
  Alex and I were in his car. Alone. Music playing quietly. In seclusion. The windows fogged to opacity. The only thing disturbing the fog being a single handprint. The scent of his cologne was everywhere. My mind was racing, a million thoughts a second. 
                          
  How did we get here in such a short span of time?
                          
  We had been on Matt's backyard porch, just enjoying the cool night when Alex started talking. Everyone else was still inside when I suggested we go for a drive to help him clear his mind. He seemed thankful for the suggestion. 
                          
  "'Ey guys we're just gonna go for a drive," Alex said, taking his car keys out of his pocket as we stood in the lounge. Everyone was now playing another round of Humbug. 
                          
  "Aight," Matt said, looking over at us, "y' gonna be back? Or you just gonna head straight home after."
                          
  Alex shrugged, I think even Matt knew that he needed some time away from everything to clear his mind, "depends how long we're out. I'll message ya," he said. 
                          
  "Okay," Matt nodded, "be safe you two."
                          
  "Will do," I smiled and waved goodbye to everyone. 
                          
  Christian had messaged me saying he'd drunk too much to drive home so he'd be staying the night out at his parent's place; this meant I could stay out for as long as I wanted without having to go home and Alex seemed to really need someone to talk to. So we hopped into his car, drove around for almost an hour until Alex finally found somewhere secluded to park. 
                          
  We started by sitting on the hood of his car but due to the cold winds, climbed back inside and turned the heater on. I pushed my seat back as far as it would go and so did Alex, giving us the most leg room and space we needed to be able to spend a long time in the same spot without discomfort. 
                          
  I waited for him to say something first. I was there to listen and help and I didn't want to make him feel forced to say anything if he wasn't ready to. His shoulders rose and fell as a deep sigh escaped from his lips as they parted to speak. "I'm worried about me and Arielle," he said. 
                          
  My stomach dropped, "what do you mean?" From all I'd heard and seen, they were doing perfect. 
                          
  Alex sighed again and ran his hands through his hair. "I dunno...I'm just...I feel like I'm fucking things up."
                          
  "How?" I asked, confused as all hell. 
                          
  "Ever since we left for tour I just feel like I've been such a shit boyfriend," Alex said, looking at his lap. "I feel like I'm not givin' her all she deserves." 
                          
  "In what way?"
                          
  Alex shrugged and knocked his head back against the seat. "I feel like I'm never living up to her expectations and she never says anything so I'm worried it's all internalised and that I'm not giving her what she deserves but she won't say so." 
                          
  Alex looked like this had been eating him up inside for so long. "I just feel like I'm not doing enough."
                          
  "Don't say that," I said, "it's not your fault you're away for long periods at a time and I know how hard it is to maintain a relationship when you're away from them but you're doing your best and that's all that matters. There's only so much you can do when you guys are so far apart but that doesn't mean you're being a bad boyfriend, and Arielle definitely doesn't think that."
                          
  Alex chewed on his lip and fiddled with his fingers. "I mean...when she came to visit us for a bit everything was fine. Like it was normal and everything but I just felt like I weren't able to give her me full attention because of the shows and shit and I hated not being able to prioritise her."