"Oh." It was such a soft little sound, released as he lifted the glass from the sink and set about unwrapped the bundle of flowers, intent on carefully arranging them so they would match the other. At least he would have something bright to look at for a few days. Something that had been purchased just for him. Maybe he could pretend they were from someone else. Someone who actually cared.
This was so awkward. So painfully awkward, and he knew he wasn't the only one who felt it. He tried to stop the sadness from radiating off him in thick waves, because it only ever seemed to push people away. No one wanted to be around someone like that. He wasn't even sure how Taehyung had withstood it for so long. No wonder he had taken the first opportunity that presented it's self to run.
He really, truly hated himself then.
"You should go." Before the last little of his inner strength failed him completely and he did what he promised himself he never would. Break down in front of another person. He could feel it coming on like a freight train, out of control and ready to jump the tracks and derail. And there would be no stopping it.
"Aren't you going to thank me for the flowers?" How someone could stand there and look at him and still be so flirty he would never understand. He had to look absolutely terrible.
But he smelled good. No, he smelled terrific. All fruity and fun and his skin was so baby soft that he had barely been able to stop touching it. He'd used the expensive, rich moisturizer that had been gifted to him on his last birthday, a rare treat that he tried to save for the rare occasions he actually had a reason to attempt to look attractive. He had used it that night for the party, he remembered now, slathering it on his long limbs like it would somehow solved all of his problems, it's soft scent playing off the lingering cherry from his bath.
So he smelled amazing. That was something he could focus on. And his hair was so soft and clean, sweeping low over his forehead and into his eyes, and subconsiously he shook his head to left, trying to flick it away. So that was two things he currently had going for him. Soft hair and he smelled good.
His legs were freshly shaved. Another little habit that he never spoke of. Removing all of his body hair through a combination of waxing and shaving. But he liked the way his skin felt when it was smooth, and right now it was at it's absolute peak.
There was a tinted palm on his lips, something he had completely forgotten about until that very moment. He had swiped it on after finishing the ice cream, leaving his lips stained light pink. Even he had to admit they looked kissable like that.
Focus points. That what they were. And as he ran through each one within his mind, he felt the panic slowly receding. As he counted down all of the things he currently had going for him, all of the positives, that negative voice inside head began to quiet. And that mental break down that had seemed to be only heartbeats away was held off for just a little bit longer.
Jungkook had actually gone through the trouble of purchasing him flowers, not once, but twice. Had he had obviously put in a certain amount of effort. Or maybe he truly was capable of just looking like there effortlessly, the sort of person who just woke up in the morning and went about their life looking like they had worked at it.
"Can I ask you something first?" He realized that he probably didn't want to know. That it would probably hurt so much less if he just didn't ever let those words slip past his lips.
"Depends on what it is." There was clearly some line that he wasn't meant to cross. And he wondered if he would be able to stay on his own side, in his own lane.
"Why didn't you come see me last night?" It came out a little pouty, those lips puckering out just a little. It was a natural response, but he realized how it looked. Almost everyone thought it was cute little thing he did on purpose, and not him desperately trying to keep all of his emotions inside. "You should have seen how I looked for you." Why was he even saying that? Why was his mind going to those ridiculous pictures that he had taken like there was some chance he was actually going to share them?
Jungkook groaned at those words. Actually groaned at them. Some mixture of frustration and longing, and the part of his brain that was constantly working against him added another check to column of showing him exactly what he had missed out on. "I wanted to, baby. I wanted to come see you so badly."
"So why didn't you?" Fingers trailed across the petals of one of the flowers delicately, before picking the makeshift vase up and carrying it towards the little table beside the sofa, sitting it opposite the large array of the bright tiger lilies.
"Seokjin." Jungkook didn't use his name. And he wondered now if it was a means of separation. If calling him some term of endearment was meant to feed into the fantasy. It caught his attention, made him realize exactly where that invisible line was being drawn. Where his lane ended and someone else's began. "Don't ask me things you don't want to know the answers to."
Part of him wanted to know. Part of him was aware that once he did, he might actually be capable of ending this. Of not letting himself continue down this path of absolute destruction. Part of him knew that it would be for the best. A clean break, before things got too messy for one.
But he had never been capable of doing what was best. Not for himself.
He knew where the line was now. And he took a careful step back from it.
