#11

                                    

                                          
~Jooheon~
                          
It took me a bit of time to read everything. I had to read many sentences several times to process everything I read. Tears rolled down my pain-distorted face. I had no physical pain, but my heart broke into pieces with every sentence more and more. I tried to keep my sobbing quiet, as Changkyun - probably out of exhaustion - fell asleep on my chest while i red his story. 
                          
"Three years ago my parents and I had a car accident when we were on our way home from a holiday in Busan. We were just outside Seoul when it happened. A truck rushed into us at full speed. It was a wrong-way driver who hit us head-on. My parents were trapped in the car, but i was able to move freely when I woke up. 
The car was full of blood. I couldn't even tell which blood stains were from whom. My father was already dead when I woke up from my blackout, but my mother was still alive. She was breathing heavily and tried to calm me down when she held my hand. All my pain disappeared immediately when I realized that I had to help. Her face full of pain and blood. My mother said something, but I could not understand her, because the only sound i could hear was a loud beeping in my ear.
I got out of the car and almost fell down in pain. The passenger door to my mother got wedged and wasn't able to open it. I smashed the window with my bare hand to help my mother. At that moment i noticed the ambulance right next to our car. They pulled me away from my mother to free her and also my father from the car.
My Mother was moved to the back of the ambulance. the emergency doctors forced me to get in the ambulance as well and leave my dead father behind without saying goodbye. I screamed loud, but couldn't hear myself. My throat hurts. I took my mother's hand while she said something to me. I told her, that I can't hear her and cried out of pure panic. 
My Mother died on the way to the hospital, while i hold her hand. I cried so hard, that i passed out in the ambulance and woke up in the hospital. I couldn't remember a thing, that happened. My brain was empty and so was the room i woke up in. So many cables all over my body. All the devices around me scared me.
A person, who was presumably a doctor, entered the room and tried to talk to me. I did not understand anything. At that moment when I heard nothing, I remembered the accident, my father who died before i could say goodbye and my mother who died while i hold her hands.
At that very moment I got my first panic attack. I screamed my soul out of my body. The medical officers entered the room and put me on a sedative as an infusion. Shortly afterwards my vision became blurry. 
I spent 4 weeks in the hospital and then spent six months in a psychosomatic clinic where I had 1 to 1 care because according to the doctors, I was at risk of suicide. And they were right. I tried to kill myself several times, but always failed. I didn't know how to live without my parents - the only people i had contact with and talked to the most time - it seemed impossible. Of course i missed the funeral of my mother and father because i was in the hospital.
I learned to control myself and came to the normal ward, where I also got in touch with other mentally ill people. It was good to talk to them, but i still missed my parents so damn much. After a year and a half in the clinic, i was released. 
The clinic supervisors helped me find an apartment in seoul where I could start from zero again. For half a year i only visited the psychotherapist. When i needed less psychotherapy, I started working for a few days a week. However, I never really felt accepted at work. 
I couldn't make new friends. I started work and left work to be alone in my apartment. I really missed someone to talk to, talk about my feelings, and listen to someone. Come home to some noise from the kitchen or something like this. All of this wasn't possible all of a sudden, because my parents weren't there anymore.
I was desperate. I've had suicidal thoughts again lately. When I sprayed the graffiti on the wall I was about to kill myself but did this graffiti out of pure frustration instead. A few days later I was completely lost in my suicidal thoughts again so after work i walked down the street to see your message next to my graffiti. It felt like a light at the end of the dark, black tunnel. I was really happy about some attention although I didn't even know who the message was from. Days that I spent with you made me incredibly happy and gave me joie de vivre again.
I know it sounds cheesy but that's what i feel right now. You're the only person i have in my life. Even if i don't know you that much, I'm so happy to call you my friend. 
🐝🐺"
                          
The bee and the wolf at the end of his story made me cry even more. How can someone like Changkyun - ... no how can anyone deserve such a fate? I couldn't stop crying and woke Kyunnie up with my sobs because my upper body was moving too fast as I tried to breathe normally. 
                          
He looked at me with a concerned expression on his face as he wiped my tears from his face with his thumb. "Sorry" he muttered half asleep, still wiping away my tears. I hugged him tightly to show him that I would never leave his side. Now, I didn't know how difficult it was going to be.
                          
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This story gets more serious than it was initially planned. Fml