Chapter 2 - H.

                                    

                                          
It’s easier said than done. Reading the diary, that is. Zayn left it on his desk so he can get right to it the next day, but every time he looks at it, he feels like the police will come barge in to arrest him. Even if that’s impossible, it feels like he’s committed a crime.
                          
‘’Just read the thing. Who knows, maybe there’s even a number or address. Just stop being a wuss,’’ Louis once more reminds him over breakfast how much he’s overthinking it and for a brief moment Zayn has enough courage to walk to his room and grab the book – before dropping it on the couch and telling himself ‘he’ll do it later’.
                          

                          
But when Zayn comes home from his morning and only class of the day and sees it on the couch he’s tempted to throw it out, because it feels like it’s mocking him. So out of spite he grabs it and unclasps the tiny belt to reveal two pages full of doodles. No address, no name, no number. He skips to the back, but there it’s still crisp and clean, and quickly leafing through it only reveals more pages full of doodles and writing. Anything but a way to return it. Zayn curses and throws it back on the couch, gnawing on his bottom lip while he stalks to the kitchen to make himself some tea. He shouldn’t feel guilty for this, for wanting to do the right thing.
                          

                          
Zayn comes back to the living room with a steaming mug of tea and a bit more courage, which he uses to sit down and place the diary on his lap. He’s got a few minutes to spare before he has to start on his coursework, so he wants to make the most of it. He skips past the doodles and finds himself on a page, dated three months back. The handwriting looks neat and somewhat girly, but still has the essence of a man’s writing. Or a boy, Zayn didn’t have a clue. He bites back a laugh when he sees it starts with the typical ‘dear diary’.
                          

                          

                          
Or is that too obvious of a start? It feels weird to be talking to a book. This is my first time starting a diary, so it’s not like I have much experience. Like, what do I do? Do I talk about my day? Well, if you insist.
                          
Honestly today wasn’t anything special. I moved into my flat. It’s lonely, but I’m not sure if I want a roommate yet. Sometimes it’s exhausting to be myself and I feel like I need my own space. Can I write things like that? It’s not like anyone will read it. I guess that’s a good thing. So I kind of miss my family already, but I guess it’s also exciting because I will finally get to do new things.
                          
Tomorrow I’m going to look around and explore the area. Maybe try to make new friends. I hope people will like me.
                          
-H.
                          
 
                          
In the end, that didn’t reveal much. All Zayn knows now is that the kid’s probably around his age, his name starts with ‘H’, and that’s about it. He can’t shake off the feeling that it’s weird to do this, that he could never find the boy anyway. But he’s always been someone that has to try, it’s just how he’s built. Couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t.
                          
He walks back into his bedroom and places the diary on his nightstand, telling himself he’ll read more before he goes to sleep. There’s plenty of research he has to do for his class so he starts up his laptop and walks back into the living room to retrieve his mug, sipping idly on the now slightly cooled tea. Zayn will have an hour of peace to get work done before Louis gets home and is going to cause a distraction. But that’s Louis for you.
                          

                          

                          
***
                          

                          
It’s late in the evening, both Louis and Zayn sitting on the couch slurping spaghetti out of their bowls. There’s nothing interesting on the telly so it doesn’t take long for a conversation to start.
                          
‘’Have you read it yet?’’ Louis starts once the commercials kick in, and even though he doesn’t mention it, Zayn knows what he’s talking about.
                          

                          
‘’I have,’’ he replies vaguely, because he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing anything else. He’s already intruding and he won’t start telling their secrets.
                          

                          
‘’Anything?’’ This time Louis turns towards him, as if he’s expecting a whole speech about the things Zayn found. What did he find? Zayn goes over it in his head, thinks back to the pages he ended up reading when his coursework didn’t go as planned. It literally felt like the book was staring at him and Zayn’s got no self-control when it comes to curiosity.
                          

                          
There were detailed descriptions about the people ‘H’ came across and Zayn couldn’t help but feel a strange connection, like the guy might see the world in the same way. With the same amount of awe but also contempt, because there are flaws. So many flaws that other people overlook or simply choose to ignore. ‘H’ went off on a stupid rant about school systems and how they worked and how essentially everything’s just made up. It made Zayn laugh – actually laugh. Because ‘H’ is so right: it’s all tests made up by humans for humans to decide how well they were going to do in a specific field and yet that specific field also was built on made-up information and oh- how Zayn suddenly longed to talk to him. What would he be like?
                          

                          
His entire life Zayn’s felt kind of alone. Alone in the sense that nobody shares his mind. Of course he could talk to Louis but that doesn’t always work out. And now it seems that he might have found that person, but at the same time he didn’t. He found their diary, which isn’t enough. Zayn can’t help but feel that he’s not just reading the diary to return it anymore, but also because he really wants to meet ‘H’. That something might happen that could change his life forever but he doesn’t know what.
                          

                          
When Louis nudges Zayn’s leg with his foot, he simply shakes his head and twists the last few strings of spaghetti around his fork. There are plenty of things Zayn’s found, but nothing he wants to share with Louis. It’s a strange feeling, almost like his best friend is asking him for his own diary.
                          

                          
‘’Really, Zayn? C’mon I’m dying to know here,’’ Louis pushes further, dropping his empty bowl in his lap.
                          

                          
‘’Nothing that will help me find him,’’ he supplies, getting up on his feet and taking both their bowls with him to the kitchen. He can hear Louis trailing behind him, voice chasing after him.
                          

                          
‘’Him? Thought diaries were a girl thing.’’
                          

                          
‘’Apparently they’re not.’’
                          

                          
‘’C’mon mate don’t be so cold.’’ Zayn sighs and turns around when he’s finished putting their dishes in the sink. Louis is right, of course. He’s being distant – something he does sometimes. There’s no need for it but sometimes he can’t help but feel cornered, which brings out the worst in him.
                          

                          
‘’If I find anything, I’ll let you know,’’ Zayn says, patting Louis on the shoulder before retreating back to his room. For a brief moment he stands at his desk, about to continue his coursework when he turns around and eyes the diary on his bed.
                          

                          
A little reading never hurt anybody.
                          

                          
I think you can already guess who the 'mysterious' H is? :) The next update will be on Saturday.
                          
And for those of you celebrating: Merry Christmas! 
                          
All the love xxx <3