forty-five

                                    

                                          
HARRY'S POV
                          
As soon as the plane took flight, I ordered two vodka sodas. I finished them within ten minutes and then ordered two more. The flight attendant looked worried, but didn't say a word, and gave me what I ordered. Which lead me here, only forty-five minutes into the flight and edging on the edge of drunk rather than just blissfully tipsy. 
                          
I'm in pain. Utter, life-altering pain. I hurt more than I did after all of my breakups combined. I hurt more than when Camille left me. I don't think I've ever experienced pain at this magnitude in my entire life. I feel like I've been chewed up, spat out, and been run over by an 18-wheeler. Simply put, I feel destroyed.
                          
Most of all, I feel stupid. I feel like an idiotic, oblivious, naïve fool. I got on a plane, flew across the country, and practically begged for her back. I laid it all out there. I was vulnerable and sensitive and let my guard down, and she still didn't choose me. 
                          
And shit, that fucking hurt. 
                          
I am mad and sad and feel like a wounded animal. I feel pathetic and heartbroken and I can't decide whether it makes me miss her more or hate her more. 
                          
With anger pumping through my veins and the vodka going to my head, I grab my songwriting book out of my bag and flip it open. I fumble through my bag, feeling for a pen, and when I pull out her favorite blue pen, I feel a wave of sadness wash over me mercilessly. I uncap the pen with shaky hands before lowering it to the page and let my emotions bleed. 
                          
Put a price on emotion
                          
I'm looking for something to buy
                          
I would have given every last penny to my name for her. For her education, for a house for us, for anything and everything she could possibly want. I would have donated thousands to UCLA, paid for her entire graduate degree, just to have her near. 
                          
I would give everything, pay any price, to have to make her care about me the way I care about her. 
                          
You've got my devotion
                          
But man, I can hate you sometimes
                          
How can someone you love make you so angry? I love her for her independence, for her stubborn mindset, but God, why can't she just take a chance? Why can't she just let herself fall without knowing what was waiting for her at the end?
                          
I don't want to fight you
                          
And I don't want to sleep in the dirt
                          
I've been fighting for her. I've been wracking my brain every day about what I did so wrong. About why she ran so quickly and so far away from me. But when she said she wasn't coming home with me, I was done. I didn't have any more fight in me. I didn't have any pride left to lose. I couldn't keep fighting for someone who didn't want to be fought for. 
                          
We'll be a fine line
                          
I write the words over and over again, the phrase unable to leave my head since I said it to her face. A fine line. It was all we ever were. There was never any black and white, only a gray area. We were never all in or all out. Never dating but never friends. We walked a fine line like a tightrope, teetering between nothing and everything. 
                          
Test of my patience
                          
There's things that we'll never know
                          
I loved her strong spirit, but Jesus, sometimes she was too stubborn, and because of it, I never got through to her. We'll never know if things would have worked. I'll never know what would have happened if I didn't tell her I loved her. I'll never know what would have happened if Bella hadn't given her number to that bartender. I'll never know what the album would have been without her, or if things could have worked if she had just stayed. 
                          
You sunshine, you temptress
                          
My baby honey. My golden sunset. She never did know just how beautiful she was, how alluring and captivating she was. From the first time I saw her, I was hooked. I was hooked on her smile and the way she radiated light. I was hooked on her honey-colored hair and eyes full of stars. No matter what room we were in, no matter who was around, I was always pulled to her. Moth to a flame. 
                          
My hand's at risk, I fold
                          
As I feel a tear gather in the corner of my eye, I finally admit that I just can't do it anymore. The back and forth, the push and pull. No matter what I do, I can't win. She is the jackpot but I had a shitty hand. I had to get out before it completely destroyed me. 
                          
Crisp trepidation
                          
I'll try to shake this soon
                          
I saw the look in her eyes. I knew she was going to drop a bomb on me before she even did. I had only seen it a few times, but I knew trouble when I saw it. I knew heartbreak was coming before she opened her mouth. 
                          
She hurt me, more than anyone ever has. And as I sit here, cracked open and raw, I try to get everything out now so I can numb it later. Maybe after a few more drinks, I would forget the way her hair smells right after she gets out of the shower or the way she hums as she butters her toast in the morning. Maybe if I got drunk I could forget how she says my name and the way my ring would clink against her guitar before she would play. Maybe. Hopefully. 
                          
Spreading you open
                          
Is the only way of knowing you
                          
Sex. It solidified everything. After we slept together, I thought that was it. We were together. I loved her and I was sure she loved me, too. But now, I'm not so sure. I think that night was the beginning of the end. It was the last time she opened up. The last time she let me in. The last time I knew what she was thinking. The last time we were in our bubble. Forever. 
                          
We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line. We'll be a fine line.           
                          
I wrote it over and over again in my notebook, pressing down harder with each syllable. I wrote it until the words seemed meaningless because I guess now, they are. 
                          
Will we be alright?
                          
Was this is, actually? I said I couldn't have her in my life, and I meant it. But I don't know if there will ever be nothingness between us. I don't know if there will ever be a day in my life where I don't think of her. It's hard to change my idea of what was to come. It was hard to reimage my future without her in it. I write the words out a few more times, my chest tight with anxiety. Will we be alright? Will I be alright without her? 
                          
I close my notebook and take in a shaky breath. I squeeze my eyes shut as if that would help minimize the image of her in my brain. After a few moments, she begins to fade, just enough that I feel I can breathe again, I open my eyes. Then, I flag down the flight attendant, order another drink, and as I stare out at the golden sunset, I try not to think of her. 
                          
.............................
                          
Author's Note: We only have 9 chapters left of Falling!! Very bittersweet I'm so sad to see these characters go :( but I do have some really exciting news...
                          
Drum roll PLEASEEEE
                          
I'm starting a NEW BOOK! It's a Harry AU, with almost completely opposite vibes from our sweet Janie and Harry and I am so very excited about it! It's called Adrenaline, and it's up on my profile now if y'all wanna check it out!!!