Season 2 Episode 22: Red vs Bleu

                                    

                                          

The reds and blues are not shooting at each other. On the reds
Sarge:    We are giving you a chance to surrender!
Grif: There is no way this bluff is gonna work.
Sarge:    Put a cork in it, Fast Eddie. There's positively no way they know we're outta ammo.
Cut to the blues
Church: Yeah, they're definitely outta ammo... What're your terms?!
Tucker: Their what?
To the reds
Grif: Our what?
Simmons: I can't believe this is actually working. See if we can get Lopez back, Sarge.
Grif: Oh yeah. 'Cause then he can fix the Warthog.
Ghost: With Lopez I can easily fix a warthog
Grif: What you can fix the Warthog right now?!
Ghost: Of course I can...
Simmons: Then why didn't you do it earlier?!
Ghost: because I hate most of you... 
Donut: Oh oh Sarge - tell them we want the flag.
Grif: Yeah, and some cake.
Donut: Oh... Wait wait Sarge, just the cake.
Ghost: I can also make a cake and before you say anything fuck you! You're not gonna get shit because you're a lazy sack of shit!
Sarge:    Alright blues! First off! We want your flag...!
Simmons: Wait wait wait just a second. The last time we got the flag, the chick in the black armor showed up.
Sarge:    ...to stay right where it is! Keep the flag! But we do want our mechanized droid guy back!
Church: Uh oh.
Sarge:    You may know him as Señor El Roboto!
Tucker: Well Church, what's it gonna be?
Church: Chingado, no way. I'm not giving back my body. I just got this thing.
Sarge:    And don't think you can keep his nuts! Or bolts, or other mechanical parts you may have!
Church: Uh, uh he's not here any more!
Tucker: Yeah, he left! He was all like "Sayonara!" and then he just took off!
Church: That's not Spanish you idiot, that's French. Let's try this. Hey reds! How about a medic?! Would you take a medic as a hostage?!
Doc: A hostage? But I'm supposed to go over there.
Simmons: Meh, that sounds pretty good to me.
Grif: I don't know, I think we can hold out for more.
Simmons: We don't have any bullets, dumbass.
Ghost: I swear everyone in this fucking canyons retarded...
Valkyrie: You can say that again.
Ophelia: I know we're hiding, but we could have chosen a better location? Like a beach?
Simmons: I swear I'm hearing something
Ghost: you're not hearing anything so shut the fuck up!
Grif: Oh right. Take the medic. The medic's a good deal.
Church: Hey Doc. How's the patient?
Doc: Doing well. He seems very alert and responsive.
Tucker: He's talking about Caboose, right?
Church: No I mean his toe, how's the toe I shot?
Doc: What, that thing? That fell off like half an hour ago.
Caboose: (sad) Rest in peace, pinkie toe...
O'Malley: You shall be avenged!
Doc: Tell you what. Go ahead and send me over. I really don't think I can be any more help.
Church: Okay! We're gonna send over our medic! Now what do we get!?
Simmons: You?! You're surrendering! You don't get anything except humiliation and ridicule!
Tucker: We've already got that! What else do you have!?
Sarge:    What do you want!?
Church: How about if you admit that the red team sucks!?
The reds mutter to themselves for a moment
Ghost:    What if we admit that one of us sucks!?
Grif: Nice. Wait, you mean Donut, right?
Ghost: Sure I was... Sure...
Screen blacks and shows "two hours later" in white letters, then returns to the blues
Church: Okay then! We agree to the terms!? You first, and then we send over the medic!
Ghost: Why do you take two hours for us to figure out what the hell we're doing!!
Sarge:    Get on with it, Grif.
Grif: (grunting sigh) I would just like to let everyone know, that I suck...!
Church: And!?
Grif: And that I'm a girl...!
Church: What else!?
Grif: And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the boys...!
Valkyrie: you'll never kiss my man you son of a bitch...
Ophelia: what are you talking about sister?
Valkyrie: nothing!
Ghost: what are you two talking about?
Valkyrie & Ophelia: NOTHING!!
Simmons: Seriously what is that noise?
Ghost: say one more word about a noise and I will gut you like a FUCKING PIG!!!
Simmons backs away scared out of his mind
Sarge:    This may be the best surrender of all time.
Simmons: Okay, is that good enough!?
Church: Yeah! Alright, go ahead Doc.
Doc runs over to the reds
Grif: Man, I really hope you're worth this.
Doc: Can I ask you a question? Do they put something in the water here?
Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.
Doc: No water, then what do you drink?
Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.
Sarge:    I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a stawberry yoohoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. ...Oh occasionally I do enjoy a 'Sex on the Beach.' Or a pina colata. (singing) If you like pina colatas, hengh! Gettin' caught in the rain, hengh! And you're not in to yoga, engh! Grif just has half a brain, ungh.
Ghost: First off I have water, plenty of it And second, how did you get the material to make your drinks Sarge.
Sarge: I get my supplies from supply drops every month.
Ghost: Good.
Grif: Wait a minute you have drinking water?
Simmons: Why don't you give us any?!
Ghost: because I hate you both of you!