chapter eighteen (part two)

                                    

                                          
I can see that he's really upset, his eyes glossy. He's so sensitive these days, getting teary eyes at anything which is remotely upsetting and it doesn't faze me as much as before.
                          
I shove him away forcefully this time, causing him to stumble and try to catch his balance, and get down, opening the drawer while he's silent.
                          
I see a  light blue present box with a yellow ribbon wrapped around it and freeze when I see a happy birthday card with my name on top. I gulp and remember my birthday is in a week.
                          
"satisfied? Now get out!" he's yelling, breathing heavily. I get up and turn to him, feeling like shit. "I'm sor..."
                          
He cut me off and shouts. "I said get out!" tears are streaming down his face and he turns his back to me, wiping them with the sleeves of his black hoodie.
                          
I comply, knowing he's too upset for talking about it and I've fucked up.
                          
***
                          
I've called Miyoung over and left the house; I don't think he particularly likes seeing me right now and I feel guilty as hell.
                          
I'm lying down in the dark of my room when the clock strikes 2 in the morning. I can't fall asleep and I just need to make things right with him.
                          
It hurts more since the gift was for me...the asshole of the century.
                          
I hear the door open and I sit up curiously. "Daddy?"
                          
Joon's whispering brings a smile to my face but worries me at the same time. "why are you up baby?"
                          
He seems hesitant coming towards my bed and I turn on the bedside lamp, opening my arms for him. "come here sweetie."
                          
It's like he's been waiting for this because he quickly climbs up the bed and into my arms. I notice the worn out and old Cassidy in his arms. He is so attached to her.
                          
I kiss his head multiple times, making him giggle. He hides his face in my chest, curling into himself. I lean against the headboard and put a blanket over us to make him feel safe and cozy.
                          
I put my fingers through his hair softly. "what is it baby? Why are you up?"
                          
He mumbles. "I had a nightmare."
                          
I kiss him again and rub his back. "what was it about?"
                          
He's usually a calm child but he has his own fears and when he's stressed about things like starting at school, he gets nightmares pretty often.
                          
He draws on my chest with his tiny fingers. His voice is muffled. "I saw my other daddy take me away...and you didn't stop him...you said you wanted to me to go...you didn't love me anymore."
                          
My heart breaks when he starts crying and shaking, clutching my shirt into his little fists so hard it shows he's fear of being separated from me.
                          
I hold him tightly, feeling my own eyes tearing, and rock him back and forth slowly, trying to calm him down. "baby it's ok! It was all a dream. I'm never gonna let you go ok? And daddy doesn't want to take you away. he just wants to spend time with you...get to know his beautiful baby like I do."
                          
He's a little calmer but he's body shivers every few seconds and tears are still coming down his face. I take a tissue and put his face up from where it's hidden on my chest to wipe the tears and the snot.
                          
He looks up at me with sad red puffy eyes. "but you love yoonie more than me."
                          
My heart drops and I cup his face with my hands, frantically talking to make things right. "NO baby! That's not true at all! Yoonie needs help because he's sick. It doesn't mean I love him more because I spend time with him."
                          
He pouts and frowns. "if I won't get sick when I'm near him, why don't you take me with you to his house?"
                          
That's a trick question that I know the answer too. although it pains me to admit, I don't one hundred percent trust yoongi's control over his temper and even if there is a slim chance he will lash out someday, I don't want joon to be there. 
                          
But how do I explain that to a 6-year-old?
                          
I kiss hid forehead and put his black bangs out of the way. "then let's go together on the days you don't have school. How does that sound?"
                          
His face lights up, his eyes hopeful. "really?"
                          
I nod and smile at his reaction. "yes baby...I just thought you would be bored that's why I left you with tae so you could have fun together...and again, I love you so much. Don't ever doubt that honey." He smiles and shows me a fallen tooth on the front row. I coo at his cuteness. I'll never get enough of him.
                          


                          


                          
I caught a cold in 33 degrees (almost summer) and 3 days left to my birthday :| the universe must hate me cause I don't catch colds even once a year sometimes :((