ch. 32 ~ the truth

                                    

                                          
I push Bellamy's arm off of me and stand up. I walk over to where our horses are standing and grab the reins of mine. 
                          
"Kallie what is wrong then?" Bellamy asks me. I shake my head and hop onto my horse. 
                          
"I'm not talking to you about this. I told you that I will deal with this by myself." I explain. Bellamy gets up from the rock and storms over to me. He stands in front of my horse, not allowing me to take off. 
                          
"You aren't leaving until we talk about this. If you keep pushing all these feelings down, they will eventually eat you up Kallie." He says. I look straight ahead refusing to look him in the eye. "I know this has something to do with your past. I know you haven't been to Polis in a while because you have been doing your father's dirty work for so long." 
                          
I almost break. Those words bring everything back. Your father's dirty work. I squeeze my eyes shut so Bellamy can't see the tears forming in them. 
                          
Kallie I understand. 
                          
My mother's words echo in my ears. I can still picture her last minutes alive perfectly. I was only 8, but I remember everything because I was there. I was the one who killed my mother. 
                          
"I know that you have to follow your fathers orders." My mother whispers from her bed. My heart feels like it's going to be ripped out of my chest. 
                          
"Mom it's either I do it or he does. You know his way will be so much worse." I choke out, almost breaking into a sob. Just hours before, my father had discovered that my mother was meeting with someone from Trikru. She was trying to escape Azgeda and bring me with her. She didn't want me to have the life my father was forcing me into. I was with him when he found out. He was so upset. 
                          
"Kal I know honey, it's okay. You still have a chance to escape though. Trikru knows our names. They promised that they would protect us." She tells me. I walk closer to her bed, griping the knife I am going to have to use to kill her. I sit down on the bed and look at my mother. Her long dark hair resembles mine, but her face's features are soft and kind. My sharp nose and chin are contrasting to hers. Even at her age, she is the most beautiful person I've ever met. She doesn't deserve this. 
                          
"I can't do it mom." I whisper. She reaches out her hand to cup my cheek. My mother was only trying to protect me and now she is being punished.

                          
"Yes you can. You're the bravest and strongest warrior in Azgeda. Even though it was your father who made you that way, you can use your strength for good. Promise me you will leave and go to Trikru." She tells me. I could never do that. The way my father reacted to what my mother did sends shivers down my spine. My side still aches from where he hit me. I put my hand over my mother's. 
                          
"I promise mom." I say. Then I look down at the knife in my hand. I wish I could sneak out of here with my mother, like she had originally planned, but now there are guards surrounding her room. We wouldn't even make it outside the walls of Azgeda. My mother takes her hand off my face and grabs my hand that holds the knife. She guides my hand until the tip of the knife is barely touching her chest. The knife is now hovering right over her heart. I look back up at my mother and she nods. She closes her eyes and lays still on the bed. I look away and plunge the knife into my mother's chest. 
                          
I can't stop the tears from falling. I crumple, my head falling into my hands once again. All the emotions I've been pushing down are finally resurfacing. All the shame and guilt is crashing back in and its extremely suffocating. I feel Bellamy wrap his hands around my waist and pull me off of the horse. My feet touch the ground but my legs just give way. I fall to the ground, not even caring. Bellamy is trying to say something to me but I can't hear him over my crying. I try to take a breath but I can't. My throat feels like it's closing, I'm choking on my own tears. 
                          
"Kallie calm down. What happened?" Bellamy shouts. He puts his hands on my shoulders and forces me to face him. 
                          
"I killed her." I finally manage to say. Confusion fills his face. 
                          
"What? Who? What are you talking about?" His eyes search my face for an answer. 
                          
"I killed my mother." I whisper, turning away from him in embarrassment. 
                          
——————
                          
After I finally calmed down, I explained everything to Bellamy. 
                          
"I didn't want to but my father left me no choice." I say looking down at my hands, which are being held by Bellamy's. He rubs one of his thumbs along the back of my hand. 
                          
"I'm so sorry. You've been through so much, but I truly had no idea." Bellamy states softly. 
                          
"The worst part is I couldn't even keep my promise to her." I say, admitting one of my biggest regrets. 
                          
"That's not true." Bellamy says. I look up at him for the first time since I broke down. "Even though you didn't do it immediately, you still kept it. Kallie, you kept Azgeda from starting a huge war and you even helped us become the 13th clan. I think you did more than keep your promise, your mother would be proud." 
                          
I can't help but smile a little bit. He somehow always knows the right thing to say.
                          
"Do you actually think that? Or are you just saying that to make me feel better?" I question him.  
                          
"I mean it." He says with a smirk. We both laugh a little bit but then fall into a silence. We are sitting on the grass in the middle of the clearing and it truly feels like we are the only two people in the world. It feels like I don't have to go back and rule over an entire nation of people. I just want this moment to last forever, I know it can't though. 
                          
"We should probably head back." I tell him, only just now noticing how dark it haas gotten outside. Bellamy squeezes my hands and then lets go. He stands up and helps me up. Instead of walking away like I expect, he pulls me into a hug. We stand there, wrapped up in each other for a few minutes before I finally push away from him. "I bet Octavia is worried about you, and besides I need to talk with Lexa about how we are going to handle the-" I ramble on, but I'm cut off by Bellamy's lips crashing onto mine. I'm thrown off at first, but quickly lean into the kiss. His hand trails from my waist up to my cheek, pulling me even closer.