Chapter 21: Blood Sweat Tears

                                    

                                          
⚠️ warning: 
mentions of blood, self-harm below


                          
Third Person P.O.V. 
Everyone was silent as Taeyong carried a passed out Renjun in his arms, entering the room. They shared glances, mourning for his mother. Renjun was passed out, yet those tears still continuously flowed from his eyes. They knew what was going to happen in the coming days, everyone knew, even Hana. 


                          
After Taeyong had laid Renjun down on his bed in his room, he walked out and gestured for everyone to gather around. 


                          
"Tomorrow, even the following weeks, is going to be hard for him. Be nice." Everyone nodded solemnly, and went back to their own rooms. 
                          
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In the middle of the night, Renjun woke up. For a second, his brain was fuzzy. For a second, he had no memory of what happened. For a second, he was happy. 


                          
Then reality came crashing down again. 


                          
He curled himself up into a tiny ball. He cried silent tears until there were no more left. He was all alone now. He lost his last family, his mother. He threw his head back as a wave of nausea hit him. He scrambled to the toilet, ignoring the noise he was causing, and shut the door behind him.


                          
Sweat beaded on his skin, and his pained eyes soon were brimmed with tears. Hunching over the toilet bowl, his stomach clenched and unclenched. With every dry heave, he felt the pain deeper in his chest. Finally, his stomach emptied its content out. 


                          
He fell back and leaned against the cold, tiled wall. 


                          
Go get it. 


                          
"No." 


                          
Do it now.


                          
"No."


                          
Too late. 


                          
"No."


                          
You know you can't stop yourself. 


                          
Renjun found himself gripping onto the rusty blade. He clenched his fists to stop his shaking hands and finger. Slowly, he sunk it into his arm. Watching the red liquid flow out from the cut, he felt satisfaction. He smiled to himself while sinking the blade into his arm again, over the numerous half-healed cuts. By the time there were 10 cuts, he felt his vision blurring. He let out yet another sob. The pain penetrated through him, yet he was numb to it already. 


                          
Do you feel the pain?


                          
"Yes."


                          
Would your mother have died if it weren't for you, you ignorant brat?


                          
"No."


                          
Do you deserve this?


                          
"Yes."


                          
Do you hate yourself?


                          
"Yes."


                          
Do you deserve to die?


                          
"Yes."


                          
Are you a stupid, ignorant little brat?


                          
"I am."


                          
His tears mixed with his blood, he watched as the crimson liquid stained his white-washed jeans, his yellow sweater. It was like how his life was slowly being taken over. He felt manipulated. By sorrow, by anger, by death, by the voice in his head, that screamed at him to die. 


                          
As he pushed himself up towards the sink, a cold sweat broke out, and the energy he does have leaches out of him. Knees buckling, his hand swiped at the tap. He fell onto the ground with a thud, losing consciousness simultaneously.   
                          
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(just a side note, if any of you are going through anything hard right now, know that there are people out there who love you, including me! I'm always open if you need anyone to talk to :)