What I needed

                                    

                                          
Claire decided the best thing for me was to sit on the couch and watch TV. We sat on the couch silently and cuddled as we watched old reruns of The Bachelor. I could admit that The Bachelor was one of my many guilty pleasures. It felt comforting to cuddle and be held by someone who truly knew me. It wasn't sexual or anything like that, it was simply an act of love. A platonic love that you feel for family and close friends. 
                          
I felt comforted for once, like my mind was fuzzy with warmth. I guess Claire truly did remind me of my mother. She offered me a form of domestic care I had very little of as a child.
                          
Claire held me in her arms as my head lay heavily on her lap. Her fingers massaged my scalp in a calming way. We laughed and made rude comments about the girls on The Bachelor. We even decided to open up an expensive bottle of wine I managed to get my hands on. I never really enjoyed wine but I received it from a neighbor that was under the impression I was of the legal drinking age, which is 21 here is America.
                          
I'm surprised she thought I looked 21. I thought I looked moderately young but I stand corrected.
                          
Claire had the twisted idea that I should just tell Samuel that I love him.
                          
I love him.
                          
I feel a little sick admitting that. Like the word didn't belong in my filthy mouth. Like God decided that the idea of true love didn't exist in my universe. It was saddening to think that the thought of loving someone romantically was so unnerving. 
                          
Could Samuel even handle being with someone so unstable? So insecure about everything?
                          
I wonder if Samuel had any problems. He seemed so perfect. But I know that nobody is truly perfect. I almost felt excited to learn about Samuels flaws. Like his flaws made him more whole and all the more beautiful.
                          
I wonder if that train of thought also applied to me. Who knows. I can't help but think others find my flaws annoying rather than eye-opening.
                          
"Just tell him ya love him!" She slurred in a drunken stupor. I rolled my eyes but managed to burst out into giggles at the stupid thought. Claire and I had definitely dranken too much.
                          
"He'd hate me!" I whined. Claire thought about it got a quick moment before absolutely bursting into laughter.
                          
"You are so right!" She agreed enthusiastically.
                          
Um rude much?
                          
"Huh why?" I asked offended. She gave me a bored look.
                          
"I'm just agreeing with ya because you're annoying" She slurred. I frowned and sent her a harsh look which only made her laugh even more. 
                          
"I'm kidding! I'm kidding, you know I love ya?" She asked dumbly. I just nodded and rolled my eyes and she responded by rolling her eyes right back.
                          
"Samuel prob liked you as well!" She screeched. Her eyes widening as if she were having a revelation. 
                          
For some reason I began crying again. Claire shot me a disgusted look.
                          
"God you wear me out" she told me. I just nodded dumbly as I cried.
                          
"You're an emotional drunk" she observed. I just nodded again. She patted my head softly in a desperate attempt to comfort me.
                          
"Love hurts" I spat bitterly. Claire just nodded.
                          
"But maybe it'll work out? Don't you deserve to be happy for once?" She asked softly.
                          
Did I? Did I deserve happiness? I can't help but think that I don't. What have I ever done that warranted me the right to be happy?