#1

                                    

                                          
~Changkyun~
                          
Silence, although I'm walking on one of the largest streets of Seoul. All the cars and people are moving but the only thing I perceive is this disturbing beep sound in my ears. This beep sound, that never left my ear since... No, I need other thoughts. In pure despair I started humming a melody. The melody that the little music box in my room made. It's 2 a.m. and i should be at home. But i don't want to be at home. It's cold and silent there. Every time I enter my appartment I feel so much emptyness.
                          
The beep sound is louder than ever. Today was too much. Even if I wanted to, I wasn't able to cry. I felt nothing except emptyness, endless emptyness inside of me. As I looked up after a while of randomly walking through the city, I found myself on a side street. It was dark. The only light comes from the street I walked along before. Next to me I saw something that reflected the light and as I came closer I recognized a spray can.
                          
Laughing. I became louder with every paint blotch on the house wall in front of me. I completely lost myself in this graffiti even if I can't describe what I did or what I tried to paint. My head was empty and so was this drawing - and the spray can too, so I threw the can away. I still laughed. I fell on my knees put my hands on the ground and my laughing turned into loud crying. Desperation overcomes me.
                          
"How long?" I whimpered.
                          
"Please tell me how long do I have to suffer?" I screamed into the darkness. My fist hit the ground multiple times. The sound? Still not perceptible in my ears. I felt the inside of my ears vibrating but nothing came into my head. I stayed like this for a few minutes until I managed to calm down. I wiped away my tears and decided to go home - even if I don't want to be there.
                          
6 a.m. I felt the vibrations of my phone which managed to wake me up at the same time for 3 years now. I took my medicine, walked in the bathroom and took a quick shower. I explored my body while showering. And I really liked to touch my body, it felt good. It was warm. The hot drops on my skin was the only thing my body felt at this moment. I started humming this song again. It's the only song I know. And it never failed to calm me down. 
                          
I left the house after I dressed up and ate some breakfast. My mood was completely different from yesterday. I walked to the office and did my job, like I did for 2½ year now. My doctor said it's important to have a regular daily schedule, so I tried my best. Paperwork. So much paper was on my desk. But I managed to do all of it until my shift was over. No one tried to talk to me like always. I am alone even if there are more than 100 other people at this company.  Nobody wants to be with me or even talk to me. I can relate. I wouldn't talk to myself as well.
                          
I tried my best at the company and worked hard every day. But outside of work I was so desperate. I have no friends, no relationship, no family, not even a pet or something I can talk to. Sometimes I wonder if I have forgotten how to speak. But I talked to myself at home to remember the basics. Every day was the same. Waking up, go to work, go back home and sleep. It was tiring. I thought about ending my life multiple times. Sometimes I dream of commit suicide and I even tried it a few times. But I wasn't able to do it.
                          
It was one of this days again. I forgot to take my anti-depressiva and found myself walking through the city. Lost in my thoughts again. My thoughts were so fucking loud I couldn't even notice the things around me. Maybe I bumped into some people but I didn't care. Beeping in my ear. Loud as fuck. Traffic lights shining into my face. I was completely overwhelmed by all this things around me. I turned to the left and ended up in the same side street like a few days ago.
                          
I looked up at the wall and saw what I did the last time. I couldn't even remember one thing of this graffiti. It seemed like someone else did it. But I'm pretty sure I did it because of those details only I could know or draw. I placed my hand on the smudged wall and ran my hand over it. Feelings. So much feelings inside of my head. This melody started to play  again. I hummed it a few times and took some steps backwards to look at the whole graffiti.
                          
Suddenly my eyes focused something written on my graffiti. I was confused. What does this even mean? Someone must be kidding. I never got attention so why would someone notice me now? I made some steps forward to read the message and my eyes widened as I realized what it was about. Am I dreaming? I opened my backpack, took out a sheet of paper and a pen and wrote the message on it.
                          
"This is a beautiful graffiti. Sadly there isn't any tag so if you see this please call me:  82 514 514.
~Honey"
                          
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Here i am with a new story. Hope you'll enjoy it! 🐢💕
                          
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