thirty

                                    

                                          
HARRY'S POV
                          
I am a sensitive guy. I am nothing but emotion. I let my heart dictate my actions rather than my brain. And when I'm upset, I tend to act...irrationally. 
                          
It had been four days since I finally kissed her. Four days since my hand was wrapped in her hair and I was wrapped up in her. Four days since everything has changed. 
                          
I took her words more to heart than I wish I had. I understood where she was coming from. Of course I understood where she was coming from. But I couldn't help but feel my heart crack in half when she pushed me away from her. 
                          
She wasn't ready. That's what I had to keep telling myself. She wasn't ready for something new. Charlie had hurt her and she had fought her way out of that relationship. It was normal for her to not want to jump into another relationship. It was more than normal for her to not want to start something new with me. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less, though. 
                          
I hadn't meant to do it. It was stupid and careless and most of all, harmful. But it wasn't like she was ever going to know. I was going to make sure of that. As I look at the heap of dark brown hair on the pillow beside me, I promise myself: Janie will never know about this. 
                          
I had woken up abruptly and suddenly. When my head snapped over to the other side of the bed, I had felt my stomach drop. Janie will never know about this. Janie can never know about this. 
                          
I hadn't meant to do it. 
                          
I was upset. I got drunk. I went out. I met her. I kissed her. I took her home. 
                          
This isn't character for me, but it was out of character for the man I wanted to be for Janie. I have had one night stands before. I wasn't one to shy away from a night-long flirtation. But this isn't who I wanted to be. This wasn't who I was anymore. 

                          
I'm not proud of my decisions. I'm not proud of myself. I wish I could take it back, but what was done was done. I can't take it back, I can't undo my actions.
                          
When I saw her there, I knew I messed up. It's not that I was scared of messing up with Janie; she made it clear that wasn't going to happen. Even if I slept with a hundred women, it wouldn't change the outcome of my relationship with Janie; she made that very clear. Nevertheless, I couldn't help but feel guilt dripping from me as I sat up and held my head in my hands. 
                          
It wasn't that I didn't like her. She was a sweet girl. She knew how to crack a joke and had a soft, unassuming smile. But none of that seemed worth it in the grand scheme of things. 

                          
I got up quickly, urgently even. I moved quietly as I pulled on my boxers, watching the girl to make sure I didn't disturb her. I didn't want her to wake up. Honestly, I just didn't want to face her. Or rather, I didn't want to face my own decisions. 

                          
As I walk down the stairs, I scroll through my phone to find any clues about what happened last night. Low and behold, all I found were twenty-three texts to Janie Williams. I had texted her first, and I couldn't help but cringe at my texts; the typos, the overly flirtatious nature, the pet names. 
                          
Janie: Fun night?
                          
Harry: It'd be more fun if you were with me baby honey
                          
I mentally scold myself for my behavior. She made it clear; we were friends and co-workers, but nothing more. We were all we would ever be. As much as it broke my heart, I had to respect her wishes. 
                          
As I stepped off the last step, I beeline straight for the kitchen, deciding to cook breakfast for myself and my guest. I am a gentleman before all else, and the least I can do is cook the girl breakfast. I open the fridge and rummage through, trying to find anything to make the girl upstairs.