CHAPTER 02 ; " THE END "

                                    

                                          
Ha ... 
I'm panting .. from what ?
Ah yeah right .
An accident ? Why am I in a train again .. no the real question is how did I ended up here ? I was in my room trying my hardest to be productive .. doodling my stress away. My stories.. my writing.. the recipes of my favourite food , the new seasons of my fav animes ? Even after all this time I wont have the time to get fully cured..
                          
This must be my imagination .. or is it ?
Is this some kind of attack ? Someone with power does exist or am I hallucinating ?
The pain is real .. I cant move... and I'm bleeding .
                          
" Anyone .. anyone .. please im lonely .
It hurts .. I dont want to die. "  whimpers me
Did I really said that ? Dont want to die ? I'm suicidal but why ..
Even after all those attempts to push myself more towards the edge just so I would end my life without excuses ... and now I'm chanting the opposite words to those 'edgy phrases'
                          
I want to die but I hate the pain 
I want to die but i dont have energy to do so 
I want to die but I dont want to burden other people 
I want to die but ...
                          
So many BUTS .. is this an attempt to 'save' myself ?
                          
Or am I curious on how my life worsen as I dive into the the "WHAT IFS" world ?
                          
If so .. I really am nothing but a coward . My cowardice is the main reason why I am still alive up until now .
Even now I'm trying my hard to compress the open wound from leaking too much.
                          
Is dying really the solution ? The "what ifs" world .. the alternate universe where we can imagine .. as the escape door for me to run from the pain of reality . Afterall there are multiple ways to cope. 
                          
.. i dont know anymore.
My brain hurts .
BLANK
Like the canvas .. my empty mind is splattered by the intrusive thoughts that popped up randomly . How depressing ... the canvas looks like tangled hair which is beyond saving. A mess.. a total mess . Where's my phone . I hate quiet places ... My ears has to be pluged with musics.. Just clicked random song is enough ...
** instrumental plays **
" This is the end .. "
                          
Hah .. a good song well either suit or the worst choice for this situation .
Not my fav song .. though this is one of songs i expected to die from .
I .. want to die hearing " My Way " by Frank Sinatra while facing up the sky proudly .. well ..
What if this situation didnt happen I might pass the age of 20 . I dont mind dying at the age of 27 .. really lying like here looks uncool .
                          
..... you arent sick !! stop lazing around !
..... trash ! son of satan ! 
..... what a pathetic child .. again he is picking up fight with his family.
..... cant you just stay quietly at home ? all you want to do is picking up girls anyway ? Useless child
..... if only i didnt birth you .
..... i might be sending you away to my hometown .
..... waste of space .
...... you're an embarassment to our family
...... i should've given you away but again your former forster parents themselves runs away .
..... insolent child all you can do is eating our hardworking money.
*** pap ***
                          
My life flashes right before my eyes .. out of everything why it has to be this ? Again .. I hate seeing those eyes . I hate going out home .. meeting eyes to eyes with my neighbour . It hurts . My eyes is burning from fear .
I am going to admit .. i'm given enough food , have my own entertainment , provided shelter and yet those words .. those insincere & harsh words they're saying to me. Those hands swinging hanger onto my body ..
                          
Does my life balancing by itself ? Or is it really ? I've got the 5 basic needs and yet ..
What if I have worse condition ? 
Will they love me more ?
Will my situation worths to be depressed of ?
To be fair.. they're a bit kinder now after discharging from hospital ... though i'm all paranoid everything will turn 'normal' again someday. " Home " I dont want to see that place ever again . Let the bad memories died out please.
                          
" I.. on..ly brings bad..luck... their words .. are centainly proved .. no- sor..ry " cries a girl only 3 meters apart from me .
                          
Oh the accident ... i'm blending well with my thoughts that I nearly forgot what really happened ...
                          
Now that I am back to reality ... the ground looks weird ..
The ground and sky .. they look gloomier ..
Minutes after minutes .. the beautiful colours... the green leaves & the blue sky turn duller .. however.. my place has more colours in it. Am I reading too much into this?
                          
Is it going to rain ? Or does my conciousness slowly fading ?
                          
** cracks **
                          
I see.. so this is the end . Ahahaha can I get a last wonderful moment , life ?
I dont want to die virgin . Ahahaha they've been saying this what's wrong about wanting to have a partner and again .. I just want to experience the outside world once again. Please God let me live ... Well it cant be a last minute miracle like in the manga existed right ? Even if there is .. why would a pitiful human like me has the right to experience it anyway . Atleast let me play my favourite song as I die... or hearing the end of this song satisfies me better .. this is pathetic .
                          
GOODBYE ,WORLD.
                          
** flap **
                          
Hah? The girl besides me ? What is she doing ? Oh.. she is hugging me but why ? 
Is this really the last moment of my life ?
Really ..
                          
Nobody wants to die alone . Not even you huh ?
                          
** BAM **