Entry 13 (Stephanie)

                                    

                                          
Entry 13 (Stephanie)
                          
Today is the day after I woke up, and let me tell you, did I miss my bed. I'm currently laying in it at 9:36 in the morning, and I'm loving the pillows and warm blankets. My mattress is just perfectly comfy, but not too squishy. I think it's gotten more comfortable since I overdosed.
                          
I've also missed my music. The moment I got home, Green Day was being blasted all through the apartment. I was dancing on the kitchen table and singing along. 
                          
And my pajamas, that's another thing. They're so warm and soft. I made me wonder, Why do I ever take these off in the morning? Why can't an 18 year old wearing pajamas all day be socially acceptable? I just want to keep them on all day.
                          
I bring out my journal and start writing. I've missed this too. 
                          
so, journal.
                          
a lot has happened since I last wrote. its only been two weeks.
                          
calum asked me to be his girlfriend. of course, i said yes. we went to panera for lunch and i see my father there. he starts screaming, blaming me for my mothers suicide. it freaks me out and gets into my head, and I run all the way home. calum follows, and somehow, luke and ave get thrown into the mix. they're pounding on my door, asking me to let them in. in the meantime, i'm swallowing a bottle of pain medicine. just as i'm fading away, they get in, but I don't remember that.
                          
when I wake up, everything is black. I can't hear anything besides some shuffling and a heart monitor. there's an uncomfortable feeling in my arm. I have no clue what's going on.
                          
for the past two weeks, ive been in a coma. when i woke up, I didn't really wake up. all that really happened is that I gained consciousness. 
                          
during the worse two weeks of my life, many people talked to me. my friends, calum, several nurses, a nice lady named trina. all my friends told me how much they missed me, and I realized, I missed them too. everyday I tried and tried to wake myself out of the coma. then, trina tells me that she knows im trying, and that I should stop. something bad could happen to me if I continue. so, i stop. the next day, I finally wake up. I get to see my friends, I finally kiss cal, and I meet trina. that was yesterday.
                          
I got a lot of thinking time over my coma. was this worth it? my friends suffering, just because I hate myself? I tried to kill myself. because my father said a few things. why should I believe him? he's drunk, like a lot. he doesn't know what he's thinking. imagine what my friends would be like if I had succeed to kill myself? they'd be a wreck. I don't want to cause pain like that. when my mother overdosed, I was broken for months. I don't want to be the reason for their misery. I'm not saying id be selfish if I did succeed, im just saying that I don't want them to be hurt because of me. 
                          
also, I realized that life is worth living for. yesterday, in the women's restroom at the hospital, the girls and i had a come to Jesus moment. we hugged the coma out. my suicidal thoughts out. everything, out. moments like that is why we live. everyone has someone that cares about them. I thought i didn't. I though I was a fuck up and no one would care of I jumped off that building. and the overdose? the only thing I was thinking was my father and what happened with him.
                          
but, my father is in the past now. I'm past it. he did some messed up shit, but I'm past it. so far, ive been doing so well without him. I have seven great friends at my side to help me out. 
                          
during my coma, I realized that. if there's anything, anything at all, or anyone that you'll miss if you go without it, don't kill yourself. life is a lot more than bad things. it's not worth it. suicide isn't worth it.
                          
Stephanie xx
                          
I put down my pencil and lay my journal down.
                          
I'm happy about the way things turned out. I'm even happy I was in a coma. Even though it caused me emotional pain and my friends emotional pain, I wouldn't have realized that. If I hadn't succeed to kill myself with my overdose, I would still be dreading every day of my life, wishing I could put a bullet in my mouth. Maybe, if I hadn't stumbled upon my father at Panera, I wouldn't have overdosed, but I'd still be suicidal.
                          
It's amazing how one small thing has a domino effect that leads to many other things.
                          
There's a knock on my door and I say to whomever is on the other side that the door is open.
                          
Not to my much surprise, Luna walks in through the door.
                          
"Good morning." She says.
                          
"Morning. How'd you sleep?"
                          
"Better than I have in a while." She smiles. "This time, I knew you were safe." 
                          
"Aw, thanks.
                          
"How'd you sleep?" Luna asks me.
                          
"My bed is way more comfortable then those hospital beds." I say and Luna laughs.
                          
"Can I climb in?"
                          
"Go for it." She moves from her sitting position on my bed to a laying position under the covers.
                          
"Steph, I just came to talk to you."
                          
"About what?"
                          
"I just want to be one hundred percent  positive that you're okay."
                          
"I just wrote about that in my journal."
                          
"What did you say?"
                          
"I said that suicide isn't worth it. If I had killed myself, I don't know how you guys would feel. I wouldn't want to be the reason for your pain."
                          
"So you got better because of us?"
                          
"Yes, also because, say I live until I'm eighty. I'm eighteen now. If I had killed myself, I would miss sixty-eight years of memories. That's not worth it. Suicide isn't worth it. Plus, I've been doing a great job without my father, and I have you guys. There's not a reason to kill myself, and there's never been a reason to kill myself."
                          
"I'm proud of you Stephanie. I really am. I've seen you pull yourself out of the ashes and into this happy, fun loving girl you are today. I'm happy for you."
                          
"Thank you."
                          
"I'm also really happy to be your friend. It's an honor to have a friend as strong as you to rub off of me."
                          
"Thanks, Luna."
                          
"No problem."
                          
I hug Luna from next to her and she hugs back.
                          
"I love you, Steph."
                          
"I love you, too."
                          
I can do this without my father.
                          
Take that, asshole.
                          
A/N: I love this chapter.
                          
Ew school is tomorrow.eW
                          
UPDATE! my hair is in a side fishtail braid.
                          
Hope you enjoyed! See you next update.
                          
Bailey xx