xi. part nine

                                    

                                          
Nine days had slowly dawned since Lyssa died. 
                          
Zach tried going to school the following Monday, in hopes of returning to homeostasis and gaining some sort of normalcy. He made it through the first two periods until he crumbled and found himself back in his car during transition to third. It pained him walking down the hallways alone, seeing classmates watch him with pity strained gazes, while others with confidence and sincerity stopped him to give condolences.
                          
Majority of the time, Zach was frozen before her locker with eyes of anger as he surveyed every item in memorabilia of her. He finally understood the emotions Lyssa felt, when her Jeff died and then Hannah. He knew everyone on campus was faking it, putting on a face in order to make him feel better, when in reality, they were all counting the days and placing bets until she finally cracked.
                          
It was the same thing they had done for Hannah. 
                          
He wanted to tear down each photo and poster, smash all the flowers, but instead he had stalked to his car, ignoring the calls of his friends. He had been thankful not one of them followed him and just left him be - then again, usually he was the one running to his friends aid, most of them too selfish to even care.
                          
It was a Thursday morning when Lyssa's funeral came around. With his hands tightly fisted together in his slack pockets, Zach stood beside his mom with Lyssa's parents to the right of him. He wanted to attend alone, knowing how his mom felt about his relationship with Lyssa but he was happy she ignored his demand and provided him support.
                          
Mrs. Dempsey was clinging to Zach's arm, holding back her own tears while her sons' face remained stoic behind his dark ray bans. He was drained from crying over Lyssa. There was no way his tears would fall to the ground and spring life through the soil, magically waking her from a heavy slumber.
                          
It had taken Zach a long time to accept the fact she was gone, even more so to accept the fact she died. He realized it when he was locked in his bedroom that her death hadn't been so sudden. 
                          
Lyssa had died a long time ago, her lively body a corpse floating by in a daze, holding to life for everyone else around her except herself. 
                          
She had been gone the moment her brother died in an accident and best friend followed months later.
                          
One by one, people dropped tulips on the top of her casket then turned to walk away. His mother went ahead, leaving Zach to stare down at the grave. The funeral drew to a close, most staying behind to give further condolences to the Atkins family.
                          
Zach's eyes drifted to the enlarged photograph of Lyssa. It had been taken two years prior, when there was still life within her eyes. He couldn't help but smile at the image of her, enlightened by the fact her parent's had chosen a picture true to Lyssa... and image of when Lyssa was truly herself.
                          
He still couldn't come to terms with an understanding and found himself still wondering why. His mouth would part and he'd catch himself midconversation, talking to the air and sky as if Lyssa could reach out and respond like she was there the whole time.
                          
Zach knew Lyssa wouldn't want him to feel pain over her death, to feel sorrow, hatred. She had already done so through the year of dragging him along through her meltdowns. Though he would always feel partially at fault, Zach knew it wasn't his and she wouldn't want him to feel that way. 
                          
The only reason he couldn't truly help her simply was because she didn't want to help herself. She was content with feeling the way she did, only attempting to find a silver lining because that's what he wanted.
                          
Lyssa pulled a facade of being okay to please Zach and everyone else around her because she knew they wanted and hoped for her to see a brighter day. She had fought a battle within herself until she felt there was nothing left.
                          
It was too late now, Zach understood. There was no changing the direction Lyssa chose, no changing how he could have helped her more.
                          
Lyssa was gone, to be buried feet under ground and roam with nature. All that was left was for Zach to let go and move forward to the now. 
                          
Squatting in place before her casket, Zach threw the yellow tulip on top and sighed. As if on cue, tears sprang from his eyes, his heart clenching its final goodbye. A few minutes passed and Zach stood, wiping his nose with the sleeve of his button up, throwing his last tulip, watching as it slowly fell, landing in the center of the chest.
                          
"I thought you made a promise you would never cut."