Hate

                                    

                                          
The whole "I'm attracted to Samuel" situation became an issue the more that I saw him, and that was becoming quiet often. Before knowing him I could have sworn I had never seen him before but now he is everywhere and I can't seem to get away.
                          
Claire has us visiting the bakery whenever we had free time so no matter how hard I tried I still encountered Samuel more often than I'd hoped. 
                          
"You seem distracted babe" I told Claire as we made our way to lunch with our hands intertwined. She looked at the ground without responding for a few seconds. 
                          
"A lot on my mind" was all she said. 
                          
"Is everything okay?" I asked her, I couldn't keep the anxiousness from slipping into my voice. I guess she noticed because she gave my hand a comforting squeeze and sent me a tight lipped smile.
                          
"Don't worry about me okay? You just focus on getting better" she said, this time actually smiling.
                          
"Getting better...?" I trailed. 
                          
"Last week was tough and you just started your pills again, just focus on you" she told me and gave my hand one last squeeze before releasing it to open the cafeteria doors.
                          
I was an awful boyfriend. She always accommodated my needs without complaining or even hesitating. She was to kind for her own good and I simply just wasn't good enough for her it was obvious. 
                          
"Stop worrying you dummy" she said giggling as I scowled at her. She recovered faster than expected. A second ago she was sulking and now she was giggling and calling me names. Girls were so fucking confusing. 
                          
Timothy shot me a wide grin when I approached our table. 
                          
"My true love is here!" He said rushing over to hug me. I dodged him before he could get the chance.
                          
"True love my ass" I scoffed as he turned towards me just so he could pout and give me pleading eyes. 
                          
"No hugs" I stated. Next thing I know he's clutching tightly onto James while complaining about how I'm "heartless". 
                          
I mean for gods sake wasn't he calling James something similar just last week? 
                          
All throughout lunch I noticed James seemed a little on edge. As we ate he kept looking at Claire with an odd look on his face. My phone buzzed in my pocket and I fished it out.
                          
The Bartender: Can we talk after school by your car alone?
                          
It was a text message from James. I glanced over to him and just nodded rather than typing out a reply. We both put our phones away and acted like the secret agreement didn't occur. 
                          
God I was getting nervous. What on earth could James want to talk about? James didn't talk to me often about serious things. I mean we talked about our future and semi serious shit like that but this felt different. James seemed tense.
                          
—
                          
It was after school and I was waiting by my car anxiously. 
                          
The Bartender: On my way.
                          
Why was James so polite? He texts like my dad for gods sake. A small chuckle made its way past my lips at the thought.
                          
I looked up to see James making his way towards me. We both nodded our heads towards each other in greeting.
                          
"Hey man I could see you shaking from all the way from the front entrance, calm down" he said with no real emotion behind his words. James has always been a real stone-faced kinda guy. 
                          
"Yeah uh sorry bout that" I mumbled. He leaned against my car so we were next to each other.
                          
"You know how I'm like a silent observer and all that shit?" He asked. I just nodded as confusion took over. 
                          
"Well Claires acting funny. Just wanted you to know in case you didn't notice" he said simply. 
                          
"Yeah I noticed. I'm not completely hopeless you know" I said back a forced laugh leaving my lips. He just smiled in response.
                          
"I'm being serious. Somethings wrong, can you just check up on her and make sure she's okay. We don't really talk that much anymore" he said. Oh I get it. It's not that he was worried for me he was worried for Claire.
                          
James has loved Claire for a long time. Surprisingly this never affected the friendship I have built with him over the past 2 years. 
                          
James loves Claire. Claire does not love James.
                          
It was as simple as that. James was a silent observer, he likes to watch from a distance and gather information rather than he just be open and ask questions. He was incredibly good at reading people.
                          
"So you're worried something is wrong with Claire that's all?" I asked just to confirm. He nodded softly.
                          
"As you know ever since I told her how I felt last year our relationship took a huge nosedive. So I don't really talk to her about serious shit anymore like I used to" he said. I just nodded in understanding. 
                          
They didn't hang out alone together anymore, whenever they were together it was either with Timothy or me, or all of us together in a group. 
                          
"Yeah man of course. If it's anything I think you should know about I'll tell you okay?" I said as I straightened up and dug my keys out of my bag. He mumbled a soft thanks before waving goodbye and leaving. 
                          
Should I ask Claire to come over tonight to talk? Should I stop by her place? Maybe it's insignificant enough to be talked about over the phone? 
                          
No I can't just call her. That would be a douche move. And I wasn't a douche, or at the very least I tried not to be.
                          
—
                          
It was 8 pm when Claire came over, she was dressed in the same clothes but she looked significantly more stressed than she did at school. 
                          
I shot her a confused look as she simply walked past me to the living room. I followed her hesitantly and watched her as she plopped down on the couch with a heavy sigh. 
                          
"So what's wrong?" She asked me, craning her head in my direction.
                          
"I wanted to talk about what's going on with you today" I told her. Her shoulders tensed in an instant and a bitter look made its way onto her face.
                          
Next thing I know she's crying into her hands. In an instant I was crouched in front of her with my hands on her knees. I removed her hands from her face and made eye contact with her.
                          
"Babe please tell me what's going on" I begged. She bit her lip in frustration and her eyes looked so pained. I had never seen Claire this upset or frustrated in my 2 years of knowing her. She looked hopeless. 
                          
"You'll hate me" she said crying and trying to get in a proper breath.
                          
"I won't" I assured her. Her sobbing only continued.
                          
"I'm an awful person" she whispered to me. Guilt twisted in my gut as I watched her cry. I couldn't help but assume she was crying because of something I did or said. 
                          
"I'm so awful, you- you are going to hate me" she sobbed even harder. I shook my head quickly.
                          
" I could never hate you" I assured softly. 
                          
"I cheated. I had sex with someone else" her voice barely a whisper.
                          
And for a moment, I did hate her.