i don't blame you/i blame You - ORIGINAL PROSE

                                    

                                          
i sit in the early hours of the morning, nursing a broken heart, sticking its shattered shards back together, piece by piece, because no one else shall comfort this tired soul and tearful eyes.
                          
i don’t blame you, recipient of my pain, for sugar and sweet flows through your veins, your words kind and thoughtful, your bones weary yet hopeful, holding up a broken body, puzzle pieces not fitting this way and that, imperfectly perfect in all the best ways.
                          
i blame You, where rage and misery breathes new life, its toxic odour floating through the air as it infiltrates my lungs, stripping me of life and love with each gasp, each new desperate intake of air, for the devil hides behind wilful, perhaps a facade of ignorance, that same old innocence smile and mock surprise, and a well-lit gas fire.

                          
what did i do, what am i now, what was i then but a ghost occupying free space, for when i dare divert my gaze to the broken mirror hanging in my bathroom – lonely, a permanent reminder of my shame – Your face stares back at me in the dark, for i dare not shine God’s light upon a child of guilt and mortification, those same haunted eyes pierce through my psyche, Your broad features melded together with those who followed, some i barely remember, others like a spectre drifting behind my shoulder. your face might join them too, i fear, but i think what terrifies me more is for you to become a distant memory, a figure shapeless and less defined, a broad outline of a person for whom i carved a space in my heart when i found those two specks of light in your beautiful face, unnoticeable, untraceable unless one took the time to map out the curves, bumps, imperfections of your features, like two stars floating in the night sky.
                          
i fear the future, i fear the past; my present is uncertainty blended with responsibility and expectation. i fear love, i want love, i want to know love but it scares me all the same. i blame You, i blame You, i blame You, i hope my guilt, my wrath, my fears, my sadness eat You alive.