24

                                    

                                          
I'm not dumb, just hopeful.
                          
I'm drowning in my own feelings. I feel sad and anger at the same time building up inside of me, waiting to get free, to get out. My legs are moving the whole time. I can't stand still for one second straight. 
                          
Thousands of theories go through my mind. I know the truth. I just want to believe that it's a lie. I don't want it to be the truth. For the first time in my life I have listen to my feelings and look where it got me. 
                          
My dad is in jail
                          
And the reason for it is River West. He has caused this mess. But I'm just as guilty as he is. I knew damn well something was off when he asked me for the document instead of my father even though he had a beter relationship with him then with me. Even though I knew that, I pushed that thought away. I thought with my heart instead of my brain. 
                          
And look where it got me. 
                          
With furious eyes I slam my front door shut. My tears keep streaming as I place my head against the wooden door. The tears roll down my cheecks onto the floor. My sobs are heard through the whole house. I shake my head in disbelief. 
                          
This is not happening.
This is not happening.
This is not happening.
                          
After all the shit I have been through, it still doesn't end. It feels as if every time I am kind of feeling better, something bad has to happen to fuck me over again. But if I try to talk about it with anyone there like 'but you're rich'. As if that matters when your mother is dead and your father is in jail. 
                          
Money won't make it feel less painful. Even though everyone thinks it does. Everyone thinks that I shouldn't be sad because of my high status but that is bullshit. I am human. And I have been through so much. I have had a very dark period in my life where I didn't see the point of living anymore. So much has happend after my mother died but I came back eventually. Even though I am really not recovered of what happend with her. But now I lost another important person in my life and I don't know what is going to happen. 
                          
After a few hours, I finally register what has happend. I have calmed down but I still feel like absolute shit. It is already 3 pm when I grab my phone. It has been blowing up for the last three hours but I only look at it right now. I have multiple missed called from my family and friends. Even Adam send me a message to check up on me. Maybe he is a good guy after all. I quikly answer everyone that I'm okay even though I am really not. The family of my mother's side have told me I could stay with them whenever I wish to while my dad is in jail. I have so much luck with my family. 
                          
However I won't move anywhere as my mother's family lives in europe. It's not sure how long my dad will stay in jail and I cannot skip school for so long. I sigh. 
                          
Now it's me all alone. 
                          
My eyes feel weak from all the crying. I walk upstairs and change in my dad's hoodie. It even smells like him. While tears start welling up in my eyes again, I lay down in my bed. I don't sleep as I'm not that tired. I just stare at the ceiling, wondering why River did it. 
                          
The worst thing is that my feelings for him didn't change one bit. I have now formed anger towards him but it's just as big as the feelings I have for him. I want to get over him. Get over that stupid kiss. Because after that kiss he brought me upstairs and then he went to my dad's office and grabbed some document that exposed my dad's illegal buisnesses. I know damn well it went like that. I just really don't want to believe it. But I won't let my own feelings hurt me anymore. Now I am thinking with my brain instead of my heart. And I will make him regret ever even interacting with my family in the first place. 
                          
Fuck you, River West.