Spilling

                                    

                                          
STEF POV
                          
"Len, come on, babe. You forget how well I know you."
                          
"I'm not angry with her, Stef. Why would I be?" Lena avoids my eyes, and I know she's lying just like I knew the other day that she wasn't too happy with what happened at the hotel. I was very much aware of what the issue was but I needed her to tell me and be open and honest. It wasn't that I didn't think she was able to but she seemed to be having a hard time coming out with it.
                          
"Lena, you and I promised to be more open and to communicate better, baby. Now is the time, sweetheart." I look over at her flushed face as she still doesn't meet my eyes, and I try my best to understand why she's hesitating. Did I make her this nervous or was it the entire topic in terms of Tess that did it.
                          
"Stef, it's not a big deal. Tess was drunk. Very drunk. We both know that."
                          
"Yes, she was and she said a lot of things that I know made you uncomfortable." I turn my body sideways so as to get a better view of my fiance as my heart pounds in my chest. This was like pulling teeth, for her hesitation was bothering me and making me insane if I was honest.
                          
"It's okay, Stef. She has a crush on you, and I get it. It's kinda hard not to," she smiles, brushing it off as she begins to refold the same shirt over and over, and I've had enough of her skirting my feelings as I gently grab her arm stopping her.
                          
"You know that I love you. And ONLY you. You know this right, baby?" I search her eyes now hoping she won't look away this time, and she doesn't.
                          
"Of course, Stef. I have no doubts about that," she smiles softly as I tug on her hand, our fingers linking.
                          
"Do you think I'd step out on you with Tess again? MM? Like I did the first time?"
                          
"No, of course not. No. And you didn't really, well I know the first time was a mistake. And I'm ok with it. I am." Her face now turns red, and I pull her down beside me on the bed, not breaking eye contact. "I was difficult and you felt underappreciated by me then. I get it I would have stepped out on me too." She laughs awkwardly.
                          
"No love. That's no excuse for what I did then. It was no excuse for either of us. Me or Tess no matter how lousy we were feeling. I should have spoken to you regardless of how I felt. But what do I have to do to get you to talk to me? MM? I know you have a wall. I can feel it. You forget I'm the one who invented walls," I smile softly now as I reach up to brush the side of her face softly.
                          
Lena then tries to get up, but I won't let her. "No. Don't run away from me. It's me, babe. Stefanie...the one you love and who loves you back. Okay?"
                          
"Stef..." her chin quivers, and it takes everything in me not to pull her in my arms. This is hard. Much harder than I anticipated, and I definitely know she's been hiding her feelings about this very thing for quite some time. But I can't blame her. She threw it in my face for a while, and I almost became hostile over it.
                          
Yet now, I want to fix this and move on, for I feel that if we don't, this will only fester and become a wound that will never heal the way it should.
                          
"Talk to me babe. Please."
                          
"Julius asked me if I trust Tess. He asked when when you were at the hotel with her."
                          
"Ok. And do you?"
                          
"She's like my sister Stef. And I love her dearly. God knows I do and I feel so bad about what's happening. This is all so selfish."
                          
"Babylove this is about your feelings right now. My wife's feelings. So tell me sweets. Just spill it."

                          
"Well.....
                          
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LENA POV
                          
I fidget with my fingers as tears spill down my cheeks, my heart pounding in my chest. Why is Stef insisting that I tell her how I feel? Haven't we already gone down this road? Haven't we fought and battled this very thing time and again? I'm so tired of this being what we fight about, and I decided long ago that I'd do everything in my power to not allow it to set a rift between us again.
                          
I did forgive Stef and Tess. I really did, and each and every time this ugly root of jealousy rears its ugly head, I forgive them all over again, for I understand humanity. I understand that sometimes in life, we make mistakes and we can fix them and grow from them.
                          
So, then, why do I always end up feeling some kind of way when I see a certain way Tess looks at Stef? Why do I feel my stomach instantly hurt when Stef takes her hand? I know it's innocent. I know they don't mean it...but does Tess?
                          
I wipe the tears that are falling as I whisper softly. "I'm sorry, Stef. I just...didn't want to hurt you anymore by bringing it up."
                          
"But love, I still know you, and I know when you aren't being up front with me. That doesn't help us...you and me!" She pleads now as she moves her head to look into my eyes again, wiping my tears with her thumb. "Look at me..."
                          
"Are, are you attracted to her?" I spill nervously. "Do you, are you attracted to her. Like you know like you are to me. Physically."
                          
"Lena, I don't look at Tess like that."
                          
"You did." I say as she lets out a heavy sigh nodding her had. "At one point you must of."
                          
"At one point yes love. Yes. During the time you were gone and before I met and went out with Luisa , yes. I was physically attracted to her. And yes I um was attracted to her for multiple reasons but I have not looked at her in that way god, in years. Lena, I see Tess as my friend. As my close friend and I would never cross the line with her again. I would never sleep with her again, or step out on you for her or leave you for you. You are it for me babe. Just you and you don't have to worry abmout any of that sweetheart."
                          
"Stef, I...I don't trust her alone with you." I whisper. "Especially when she's drunk."
                          
"Okay? Keep going."
                          
"She wanted you that night, Stef...when we came over and she forgot I was even there. I heard her and what she said."
                          
"I figured you did, baby," Stef tries to soothe me with the tone of her voice. "Tell me what you're thinking."
                          
"She...she was remembering your time together...you and her. And I know that she told me when she was sober that she didn't have any feelings for you anymore. Not like she use to. But she does. I know she does and if she wasn't with Jerry she would want to be with you. She won't admit that to you when she's sober." I spill out all at once not realizing that my knuckles are white from gripping the side of the bed so hard, but Stef does and she gently grabs my hand again. "I don't know what to do about it. But every time shes around I, I get scared. I think she wants you still. What if you, one day want her?"
                          
"Sweet, sweet love of mine...my baby. Why didn't you tell me all of this? MM? Did you think I'd get mad? Holler? Tell you to fuck off?"
                          
"You have gotten upset before asking when I would actually trust you," I whisper as I wipe my tears, and she gently brushes my cheek as she kisses my temple. "I do trust you Stef. More then anything."
                          
"I know love. I know and I won't get angry. I'm sorry I got so frustrated in the past. I apologize my love. I want you to talk to me, too, you know. I don't have to be the one to do all the spilling," she whispers near my hair as I nod and lean into her. "I love you Len and I want you to be comfortable. Understand sweetheart? MM? And listen, I know you love Tess like your sister. That I understand and I know it's complicated. I didn't ever want it to be. But you never have to worry about me leaving you for her. It's not happening. I'm in love with you and only you. Forever. " Feeling tears fall from my eyes she gently wipes them while grabbing my hand. "Only you love and we will work on this. I promise."
                          
"Ok baby."
                          
"Okay," Stef runs her hand up and down my arm as I wrap my arm around her, holding on to her for comfort, and as I close my eyes, her fingers now in my hair, we both jump as we hear a loud banging on our door.
                          
"Stay here," Stef kisses my lips softly before grabbing her gun out of the safe, the banging continuing.
                          
"Who the hell knocks on a door so damn loud this time of night?" I follow Stef to our bedroom door, but she places her finger on her lips as she gives me a look to stay, and I gulp as I listen for her to answer the door.