43 author note

                                    

                                          
Hey guys.. I know it's been a crazy long time and so much has happened since I have updated.  I'm just gonna be clear and transparent and put myself completely out here for you guys because I think that's only fair with my unannounced absence and lack of explanations. 
                          
Since I've updated.. My girlfriend came to visit.  It was lovely, but also eye opening and forcing us to grow up and see reality as we were stuck together all the time for 14 days.  She is not moving here anytime soon... there are so many obstacles in the way and so many problems we are facing and trying to fight off... so she is back across the country.. with a three hour time difference and not able to hold me or help me.
                          
I hit the hardest low of my depression possible.  Start of the new year I had to pay for my own therapy bills and I can't afford them with school and other medical copays and gas and stuff so... I'm been winging it with my emotions and woooohooooo have I fallen quite literally apart?  The other day I broke down 5 times 🙄 I'm fighting with my doc about depression meds vs my anxiety meds while fighting my neurologist about him just going tf away 😂 trying to keep everyone happy when I can sometimes barely smile and idk how to think anymore or who I am rn... I'm working and doing school and it's kicking my ass.  I dropped a class because I couldn't do it all.  I'll still fail statistical reasoning.  My migraines are back I don't sleep... bad habits are coming back... gf and I are fighting all the time and we don't have the same love anymore
                          
I ruined it and that's my problem and fault but we both know it's different and it hurts.  I openly admitted to her I didn't wanna be alive anymore and that's just how it is.  I don't wanna be here but I'm stuck here 🤷🏻‍♀️ so... I'm a whole mess and I'm sorry for not being better to you guys I feel like since a lot of the time as a 20 year old I'm older than you all I should be mature and have it together but... I really don't.
                          
Idk when I'm gonna to update this book or if I will... but I want to be honest with you about that I'm so sorry