10

                                    

                                          
One month
                          
It has been one month since I cried for the last time. I thought I was making progress. Turns out I didn't do shit. 
                          
The tears keep falling down my cheecks onto mh knees wich are pulled against my tiny body. I'm leaning against my door. 
                          
I can't seem to stop the tears from
streaming. 
                          
At one point, I feel like I can't breathe. As if my lungs are filled with the pain I'm going through. There had been days where I felt like the best version of myself. I love those days when I feel so good and confident about myself and my body. But days like this made me feel like absolute shit.
                          
And I don't know why I feel like this.
                          
Suddenly I scream. I scream and cry at the same time. I don't know why I did it, but it feels so right. I scream out the emotional pain I'm currently feeling. My nails drill in my handpalms but I can't seem to feel the pain as I scream even louder. 
                          
My screams and sobs are heard throughout the whole house. But I don't really care. My father isn't home as always. He left onto a buisness trip to Hong Kong yesterday. He won't be back for another week. He always worked. Every fucking minute of the day. 
                          
I feel anger building up inside of me. I dig my nails deeper into my handpalms still not feeling anything. The screams leaving my mouth change, now I'm angry. I'm mad at my dad. He knows damn well what I went through when mom died and yet still he doesn't give me any attention even though I'm his only daughter. 
                          
It frustrates the hell out of me. 
                          
I hit my head against the door. 
                          
~
                          
After a few hours, I calm myself down. I suddenly don't feel the anger or sadness inside of me anymore. This happends all the time and by now I'm already used to it. 
                          
These moments of anger and sadness, I call episodes. These last months I didn't have much of them. Most of the time it wasn't that bad as this time. But when I see or hear something that triggers these episodes, it's over. I can literally go from a happy confident girl to a self harming scared little girl. It made me feel so weak, that's why I never told anyone including my dad. 
                          
I started having these episodes after the death of my mother. They were much worse back then. I still have some scars that are now almost invisible but I know they are right there. 
                          
I sigh as I get up from the floor. 
                          
My tears are dry by now. I silently walk downstairs to eat something. I grab a bottle of water and an apple from the kitchen. I don't even feel like eating right now. 
                          
Suddenly I get a notification. It's a message from a unknown number. I start stressing the fuck out when I see what is written. 
                          
'Where are you ?'
I don't know if I should answer. I have seen way too many scary movies at this point. These three words scare the shit out of me. How did they even get my number. And why should they know where I am. Maybe it's just a prank or something.
                          
My body freezes when I get another message. It's from the same number. 
                          
'It's River, I need the document.'
                          
Even better, River fucking West scares the shit out of me again. So he didn't forget about the document.
'Home', I type in and send as my mouth leaves another sigh. 
                          
I'm currently in a white cropped shirt that reveals almost my whole stomach and grey sweatpants as always. No one is home so I really don't care about the skin reveal. What I do care about is the fact that maybe River wants to know where I am so that he can come for me and immediately get the document. I hope I'm wrong. 
                          
Suddenly the bell rings. Just by this little and peaceful sound, my whole body freezes. It can't be him. 
                          
My slow steps are heard through the whole house as I slowly walk in the direction of the front door. I pray it isn't him. I pray.
                          
When I am standing right in front of the front door, my hand slightly touches the door. Without thinking about it twice, I swing the door open. 
                          
And there he is standing. Right in front of me. Right in front of my house. As if we are best friends. He just knows where I live and arrived here in less then five minutes. To say I'm absolutely shoock, is an understatement. 
                          
His beautiful eyes meet mine. 
                          
~