Feelings.

                                    

                                          
If I must begin this chapter just for the sake of beginning it, so be it. The words do not and will not come easily today. Forgive this foolish girl. Forgive me. The subject of which i must address today is regarding my emotions. They devour me and spit me back up again. I must write it down, I must tell someone. For it is eating me up inside. 
                          


                          
I was in love. With someone I thought would be the one. They were my heart and soul. Or so I thought. But that was not love. Love is not stealing. I saw how she treated him. I wished to set him free. So I convinced myself I loved him. I did not. I knew she did not love him. He said nothing, he endured it, and continued to call her his. Like a blind mutt. I do not know if he saw it. She resented me from the very beginning. "You'll steal him," She'd say. Why is it that they all pick on me? So I thought, I'll show him. I'll show him what she truly is. And I did. Yet...he refused to see. I thought he was brilliant; but what I felt was not love. Just a silly crush.
                          


                          
I now know what true love is like. It is not pleasant. Or sweet. It is such a bitter and anxiety-inducing emotion. My heart stiffens at his name. My throat closes. When I feel he is not himself, I feel helpless. I know I cannot help him. Or brighten his day. Will my ability be the end of me? Yes, yes it will. If I were to be blind, it'd be easier. If I were to dislike him, I'd be happier. Yet from the very moment I saw his face, I thought: "Oh, but I love him." We had not even spoken yet. I did not know him. Yet those eyes, those mesmerizing eyes that glittered with intelligence...I felt I had met a man that at last would understand me. And I him. I wish he disliked me, sometimes. But my heart would cease to beat if he were to say he's leaving me. Is it but a dream? Is he a mere fantasy? I am frightened terribly when I awaken from my slumber, checking just to make sure I wasnt asleep during it all. When I realise I was not, my heart cracks just a bit more each time. At least in dreams, you can see everything. But I could barely read him. He hid many things, many things he did not tell me. It makes me feel all the more helpless. Unable to help, unable to see, unable to hear. Oh, he knows so much more than I ever will. Delicious secrets. Some things, they say, are not meant to be discovered. It does not stop me from longing for them still.
                          


                          
Some emotions are better off hidden from sight, they say. Well, I'll be damned, I cannot keep them in any longer. Call me a coward for not telling him. Call me whatever you'd like. I know it will not change much. A heart taken is a heart broken. And a heart given is a heart cherished. The fool who hollers he has no heart will be the one to perish. 
                          

                          
It was difficult to write this chapter, and it will be all the more difficult to press the publish button instead of just gaping at it. But it must be done, no matter how frightened I were to feel. If this will be the end of me, let it be. If this will be the end of him, then curse my name until the skies have befallen us.