Part 32

                                    

                                          
24.01.2020
                          
I had a dream last night. In it I was on a hill I don't know how to decribe it but I will try anyway. The hill was like on the edge of the town. It was like you were almost out of the town. It had a road going through it and tall grass. On the one side of the road it was on my left there was a fence. I was there with Daleyza and Leo. I don't remember ever dreaming of Leo. We were there and we were talking and I asked them if they will like to live in some secluded area like this one. They looked at each other and said noway. I laughed and told them that I would love that one day. And just as I was going to say that in the city I study I live in a lonely place like this one we saw a giant bull and a cow going down the road with a bunch of other animals. I told the other gils that we need to jump the fence and wait till they pass or we will be crushed by them. And so we did that. When we got back on the road we had to try and release a bunch of bees that were trapped between the road and the fence most of them were dead but some were in good shape. Then I'm not what happened but the next thing I know us three were in a Italian looking vila. We talked and joked around. Leo had to go to the bathroom after a while. Me and Daly stayed I don't know what we talked about but somehow we ended in the bathroom with Leo who was already washing her hands. Daleyza trapped me between the wall and her and straight up kissed me. We started to make out and the moment I felt her tongue in my mouth I stopped the kiss and said I can't belive that we just kissed with tongue. Leo said you guys are gross and who do you expect me to belive that you aren't more than friends when you do stuff like that. We laughed and the last thing I remember was a strange though that I had. I was thinking damn so many people say that Daly is a good kisser yet her kiss is nothing compared to Y.E.'s. 
                          
And that's it talk about a weird start of the day.
                          
It's 11:49 AM now. I am outside and the weather is so good. It kinda depresses me. It's always like that spring is very depressing season for me. I don't remember one year where I loved that it was spring. Funny I don't remember spring coming so early. It use to be freezing cold till April and now it's warm in January. I don't know if that makes me happy or not. I don't mind the other seasons but getting spring so early kinda pisses me off.
                          
It 6 PM. Here are some hard truths that I have to admit. I haven't studied at all. I haven't taken good care of myself, haven't cleaned my room. I mentioned in the last update that every day looks the same and that I am not living at all. I am numb. I've felt like that for a long time. I think that it started last year February maybe. I'm not sure. I hate this. I hate that I am doing this to myself. I hate that I let a year to pass where I just stood stagnant in one place. I admit that I have an addiction problem. I am addicted to the mother fucking youtube app. And I've known this for a long time. I tried blocking the app. I tried deleting it numerous times. I've tried so many different stuff to become independent to this, yet every time I've failed. And because of this stupid thing THAT'S NOT EVEN REAL I've let my life spiral down. 
                          
Let me get real here. Last session I didn't pass biology because I was so hunged up on the stupid señorita video. I just couldn't get enough of Shawn Mendes he actually looked like a man in the video. I was obsessed with him and Camila. And I remember thinking "Wolf you know you won't pass the exam by watching videos and you're going to look back and remember that you didn't pass it because of this stupid video. Are you fucking kidding me. Get a grip girl!" And here I am 7 months later admitting that I was right back then. And I am realizing that I have been repeating the same God damn mistake every single day for the past 7 months. 
                          
I hope that me addressing this now makes me learn this stupid lesson. That has caused me disappointment, anger, lack of sleep, stress, a well deserved summer break and a bunch of other things that I can't think of now. I'm tired of wasting my time on everybody else. I am tired. No more!
NO MOTHER FUCKING MORE! My life isn't about them, it isn't about anybody else but me. Enough with this stupid addiction. Because of it I don't even know 10 topics for the biochemistry exam. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!