Part 30

                                    

                                          
14.01.2020
                          
It's 9 PM now. I think I'm losing my mind. I refuse to give up!
                          
15.01.2020
                          
My boyfriend told me not to give up. My father called me and told me to just be calm. My mom has been calling me 5 or 6 times a day this past week. O.V. wished the group luck. I feel like I let all of these people down.
                          
I cried. My mom happened to call me at that moment. She calmed me down and reminded me how many times things that seemed impossible somehow just happened to me. Let me tell you about all of them.
                          
I got a bad tooth in 9th grade that needed fixing. I know this seems like a bad thing to happen to someone, but it was a blessing. I had to get ot fixed by a new young doctor who just happened to be highered by the dentist clinic in my city. My tooth was in really bad shape and it took months to fix it. Me going there and sitting in the waiting room made me realize how great environment for work it was. And one day I was just sitting there with my mom and I just decided to tell her that yet again I am thinking about becoming a doctor. When I was about 5 years old was telling everybody that I am going to become a doctor. Even from such an early age I knew this is who I wanted to be. Back when I told my mother about my thoughts about my future in the waiting room, I didn't think much of it. When the school year ended my mom sat me down with my sister and my dad. We had a family meeting about my future something I thought It would never happen because I do not let people dictate how I live my life. But we all sat down at the dining table and my mom straight up asked me what I want to do with my life. I said that I wasn't sure yet and she told me about what I have said to her in the waiting room. And said to me that I really need to think hard on this one but that this was something that I wanted ever since I could talk. My sister told me that I should make the decision, but that it is the only thing that I have ever wanted. Then mother said that this life will be very hard and that I will always have to study if I actually want to be good. I told them again that I'm not sure. My father then said to me a doctor I'd like that for you. He really didn't say anything much else. Then I told them that it is settled and that that's what I will be. Mother said after that: "think about this it is the hardest thing you can do".  I told her that there is nothing to think about and that they were all right. I really truly only want this. My bad tooth is the reason I got in med school. That's funny isn't it?
                          
Daleyza proposed marriage to me and I said yes. Never in a trillion years would I have even dare to imagen that happening. Yet it did.
                          
I learned to write from chemistry. Like what the actual fuck? Let me explain. In school I was the worst in Bulgarian and literature. And no matter what I did I just didn't get it how to actually write. I think that I am dyslexic, but I've never been diagnosed. I didn't want to bring that up to my mother. I am already strange enough. At least I know I have synesthesia. That explains part of my strangeness. And that is the one thing my mother didn't want. She just wants me to have been a normal girl. And sorry mom, but it will never happen. Anyway back to the poit. My chemistry teacher was really good and the stuff kinda clicked in my head. I don't really know what exactly was it but I just got it. And from that point on I never had a problem with writing.
                          
I learned to think from my biology teacher. She tough me to think logically and not to learn stuff by heart.
                          
The summer before 12th grade my mother and sister met my Bulgarian theacher. And that happened in a café that they never visit while my Bulgarian theacher was suposed to be in Germany. Talk about "coincidences". I had 3 or 4 lesons with the woman and I didn't need any more for passing 12th grade exams at the end of the year. I didn't move my finger one bit after that.
                          
I didn't study at all for the 12th grade exams. And I mean at all. Not even an hour of studying. If I didn't pass those exams I wouldn't have graduated and I woud have had to repeat the year. Not only did I graduated but I got a 5.63 (A) in english and 5.23 (B) in Bulgarian. When I found out I asked my mother if she was sure this wasn't a mistake. And I made her check twice. I wanted a 3 (D) just enough to pass. I couldn't belive it.