Part 26

                                    

                                          
24.12.19
                          
I had a dream where I'm taking care of a cat. The same cat I've seen in a previous dream. I think it's a male cat. I need to name him looks like he will be visiting me a lot. And why am I sure about that it's because I use to have an ant farm in my dreams. Sadly I killed my ant farm in one of my dreams and I never saw them again. I know it's funny, but I loved my ants and I'm sad I killed them. SO let get back to the main topic. I need a name of my dream cat. 
                          
3:35 PM
                          
D called me. I was surprised I haven't heard her voice for way too long. And god damn it I missed her. I missed hearing her voice, her laugh, the conversions we have. I just miss her. Apparently she had seen my sister and asked about me. And that's how she remembered that we haven't communicated in a while. Funny I think about her at least onece a day and I doubt she thinks about me as often.
                          
5:05
                          
eye_monster gave me an Idea for the name of my dream cat. I decided to call him Mamoru. Thank you eye_monster people go read her books she is on a journey to medical school in India. 
                          
24.12.19
                          
For the first time in my life, mind you I'm 20 years old, did I saw koledari to come to my home. I know it's common in the villages, but that never happened to me in the city. I guess the universe decided I needed extra luck for this session.
                          
It's was about 11:30 PM when Nate called me. We had an 1 hour conversation on the phone. I told him at the end that I'm texting somebody. And he straight up asked: "So what you're cheating on me?" And I answered him with a question of my own: "What do you mean I am cheating on you? How? We are not even together." He was silent. I continued: "I've told you before that we are just friends." He then sated that I like him and I didn't say that that wasn't true. And I got straight to the poit again and told him that we can not have any other kind of relationship as long as he's in Spain. Then he started argueing with me that he can come back and that I won't be forever studying medicine and that I could come in Spain. And I told him that I will not have a relationship with someone that I get to see only twice a year. And then he kind of agreed with me. And I say kind of because he did say "I hope we can still be friends". And in that moment in my head I was: like dude how dumb are you I was saying that for such a long time and now you're even asking me if we can be friends. Anyway after that I proceeded to give him some financial advice. Because he was arguing with me that it's not easy to get money. Anyway I proved him wrong.
                          
Ugh stupid boy's like him. Am I right? And I say boy's because he isn't that much of a man if he barely acts like a one. I will explain that statement. He is 27 and still lives with his parents. Ummm I am 20 and do not live with my parents. And yes I am still financially depened on them, but after 3rd year of med school I can work as a nurse. So I do not plan to be suported by them. His mom buys him his clothes. Again he is 27. With that said I don't think he is capable of taking care of himself. He tells me that he does not have enough money. Bitch if you don't have enough money go work. Don't waste your time with fishing. Actually get of your butt and do something about it. It's not that hard to not waste time. He doesn't have a higher education. Like he didn't want to go to any university. Wich sure it isn't for everybody. But then again why didn't you spend that time working. And why didn't you invest the money that you saved instead of wasting them on stupid stuff like hooks and other fishing related things. Wich by the way aren't cheap at all. That guy bought some stupid half boat that can fit only one person and it's inflatable wich means it can break anymoment for 1.5k. 1.5k!!!! He could have just experimented with the money and bought some stock at least he could have learn something even if he didn't get any of his money back. And that by the way it's impossible if you invest in 10 different things. Even if you get one that pays you off you are on the green side because you've at least not ended with 0$ and 0 education not anything at all. Oh and he also just told me that he is considering getting in a universality just so he can get any kind of diploma. Like really? Is that your plan? No offense, but you are not that stupid to waste your time with that, now are you? He is 27 any kind of degree will cost him money and time and above all after he graduates nobody will higher him. Companies want young ignorant people. By the time he graduates he will be in his 30's. Nobody will higher him then. Professor Peterson explain that perfectly. When you're young and dumb the advantage you have is that you are young and if they spend money on you to teach you about their business you're probably going to stay and try to climb the ladder wich means you're probably going to work for them for a very long time. Some people stick with one company for the rest of their lives. And when you're in your 30's they view you like you're an old infant. And that's as useless as they get.
                          
If you want more on the topic surch for profesor Jordan Peterson the tragic story of the man-child.
                          
And before I forget did I ever mentioned that he doesn't have a driver's license? He is 27 and he can't drive a car. What a "man". He decided that he had to learn to drive because I told him that I have a driver's license. Yeah, I guess he realized how stupid he would look if his 20 year old girlfriend drives him around in the car. He is 27 and should take some responsiblity about his life. 
                          
I will not waste my youth on boys. I am surching for a man. A real man. Not a growned-up baby that will just bring money back home and occasionally bang his wife. If he can even get it up. 
                          
3:23 PM
                          
You know writing all of this about him made me realize that even if he was here with me and we did continued to date I would have broken up with him by now. I would have done that probably even before lasting with him more than two months. Ladies listen carefully you don't need a man baby and don't you dare waste your time on them. I mean you can bang them if they are good in the bed, but don't you dare think about anything serious with them.
                          
27.12.19 
12:23 AM
                          
42 minute phone call with D. She asked me if the myth about black guys is true I told her the truth that it is and that I was impressed when I saw him. She just stayed quiet and eventually said that she was shooked. I don't know what shocked her honestly. Because I think she thinks that he was my first and was probably shocked that I wouldn't be scared. Or was she shocked from something else? I don't know. If anyone of the readers can help me figure this one out I wouldn't mind at all.
                          
God damn it why didn't D sound at all upset that I'm with a boyfriend. It's 15 to 1 AM now. And this though is bottering me. I don't want to feel like this. I don't even want to think about D. Well time to change some things up. It's hard to let go. I don't want to at all. I feel like I will lose the only thing that taught me what is love. Time to change I'm tiered of staying here.
                          
29.12.2019
                          
My grandma Dany called me to tell me that her brother has died of cancer. I'm sick and tired of hearing anything related to cancer with my family. 
                          
Breath in breath out.
                          
Sing along mocking bird YOU DON'T AFFECT ME!
                          
I made a promise just now. After a few hours since the call from grandma Dany. Considering the awfull things they had to go though I have decided that I won't cause this kind of pain to anyone. I promise from this day forward to never lie to any of my patients no matter how bad things are. I will lie only if I can lose my job over it. 
                          
I know some of you may think that it's better to lie, or not say the truth if it brings hope or comfort to people, but seeing now how much pain it can also inflict, I've decided that it's better to say the truth and only the truth.