Chapter 54

                                    

                                          


                          
Vacation was over and James and Rafaela came back to San Francisco. First week there, they managed to choose a house amongst the three they've seen. They were still not sure about Novato, but they both agreed to get away from the house where they had lost their son. They had the worst possible memories in there and they, finally, agreed that it was better to go away. Start somewhere else but to stay in a place where all it remembered them of was of Liam's death.
                          
Packing things was tough, especially Liam's room which had been closed since the first week after his death, when Rafaela decided it was time not to go there again and hid the key. The hours in there putting all his stuff inside some boxes made them a bit desperate. They left it all in the basement, not wanting to take it with them to their new place, to take it to their new beginning. Obviously, they carried the photos and the videos they had with them because it was not their intention to erase Liam off their life, but the less memories the better, or so they thought.
                          
That afternoon, after everything had been delivered, James left Rafaela alone struggling with boxes and putting things in place, to arrange details for the tour. Two days before they had come back, he called Lars saying he was ready to go back and since then Lars, together with management, began to settle all the shows that had been canceled after James's loss. 
                          
"Are you sure you're ready for this?" Lars asked James who seemed silent and quiet lying on his couch.
                          
"No..." He confessed. "No... I am not ready but it's what I have to do."
                          
His manners, his words, everything in him was different from when he had been meeting with the whole band and Cliff Burnstein. Alone with Lars, James was another guy, maybe the guy he was near his girlfriend. He didn't have to pretend; he didn't have to hide his feelings or his emotions. That was dangerous. The way he managed to be two different people in little time.
                          
"Then why are you coming back already?" Lars asked him. "You know we can wait; no one has been pressuring you James. If you're not ready then stay here, stay with Rafi, maybe she's not ready to be alone either. What happened to you two was horrible man."
                          
"Rafi is going with me." James said. "I asked her to come with me. I know none of us is ready to be alone. I am not ready to go and leave her here, and I don't want to be alone in weird countries and places, surrounded by strangers. I don't want to be alone in here either, I want her with me. I also don't want to leave her alone... you have no idea..." James shook his head and Lars understood how far, far away from healing they were.
                          
"Don't you think it's better to wait a bit more?" Lars insisted. "You two look so down..."
                          
"It doesn't matter how much time we wait Lars. The pain we feel is not going to change. We lost our son. You don't know what that is because you never had any kids, but one day when you do, you'll realize the fear you have all the time that something bad happens to them, now imagine something like this happening. So, it doesn't matter how much time we wait, how much time we postpone our life to deal with this pain because it will never be gone, never. I still get inside the house thinking I am going to see him running to me and yelling daddy out loud like he used to." James took his hands to his eyes fast to clean the tears that were menacing to fall, then continued. "And I know Rafi is the same. It's been four weeks; first two weeks were just this fucking limbo. What a fucking limbo..." He cringed, and Lars noticed how his eyes were watering. "We were so lost... we are still lost... sometimes we're laughing together and then the next second we're crying together, but at least there's bits where we can laugh already. I want to marry her. I realized it's been so many years and we've been through so much already and she's just my girlfriend. I want to marry her. Rafi is the one. I want her to be my wife."