Chapter Twelve

                                    

                                          
When Simon finished the cake, he put it in one of the plastic cases that Penny had purchased for him ages ago. Then, when the cake was ready to go, he made his way over to Baz's flat. 
                          
He wasn't sure why Baz wanted him to come over. At first, when Baz said that Agatha wanted to take space, Simon thought that Baz should be sad about it. He would have been sad about it, had the roles been reversed. So the glee in Baz's voice had thrown him off at first before he remembered that Baz really wasn't interested in Agatha—that he didn't want to date her at all. And...well. Simon thought that the excitement in his voice and the invite to come over might have been because Baz thought that, with Agatha out of mind, he and Simon could start up again. Be proper boyfriends. 
                          
Of course Simon wanted that. He wanted to be able to hold Baz's hand and kiss him until he couldn't see straight. It had been so good to be friends with him again—to have Baz become a constant in his life again. But he decided that this break with Agatha didn't mean that they could get back together. It crushed him to realize this, but it was what had to be done. First of all, a break didn't mean broken up. Agatha could very well decide that they should stay together when they met up on Boxing Day. And, second of all, there was still Baz's father to worry about. Simon knew that it wouldn't be right for either of them if things had to carry on in secretive they last time. 
                          
If they were going to get back together, Simon wanted it to be for real. 
                          
So, when Simon got to Baz's flat a little while later, he knocked on the door and tried to keep all of those thoughts in the front of his mind. He needed to let Baz know that this "space" didn't mean that they could be together again. 
                          
But Baz's sparkling eyes and corner-of-the-mouth smile almost made all of Simons thoughts and decisions fly out the fucking window. He looked so beautiful—so happy. Simon didn't want to take that away from him. 
                          
"Hey," Simon said, feeling incredibly awkward. 
                          
"Hey. I'm glad you could come on such short notice," he replied, letting Simon into his flat. 
                          
It still felt weird to be in Baz's flat. Simon had never been to it when they were dating, so being in it after felt like some sort of violation. Which was, he realized, completely ridiculous, but he still felt like he was guilty whenever he walked in. This was Baz's space—the one place where he didn't have to hide from anyone. And he was letting Simon into it with open arms. He was encouraging him to come in, even. 
                          
"Uh, here's the cake," Simon said, holding it out. 
                          
Baz grinned and took it, leading Simon into the kitchen. "Quite a masterpiece, Snow. Ever thought of competing on The Great British Bake-off?"
                          
In times like these, Simon couldn't tell if Baz was trying to compliment or insult him. The cake didn't look that beautiful (Simon was shit at decorating) so it seemed more likely that it was an insult. Then again, he did have that dopey, totally blissed smile on his face. Baz was softer when he was in a good mood. 
                          
"So...Agatha?"
                          
Baz grinned. "Agatha indeed. I couldn't quite believe it at first, but when it finally sunk in, I was overjoyed. Tea?"
                          
Simon nodded. It seemed that Baz already had the kettle on so he poured Simon a cuppa immediately. 
                          
"What happened? What made her want space?"
                          
He blew on the tea, just to make sure it wouldn't burn him, and took a sip. It was good, but it wasn't as sweet as he would have liked it. Sometimes he thought that Baz's habit of drinking Earl Grey without any sugar or milk might have been slightly treasonous. 
                          
"It's the same fight we've always had, I suppose. She wants to have sex and—"
                          
Simon choked on his tea. 
                          
Baz quirked an eyebrow at him. 
                          
"She—you—what? Sex?"
                          
The thought of Baz and Agatha having sex hadn't even crossed Simon's mind. He saw them kissing and holding hands on the front page of newspapers sometimes, but he never let his mind wander to thoughts of what might have happened behind closed doors. But, they were a couple (even if it was completely one-sided) so it seemed reasonable that they did, in fact, have sex. Simon tried to picture it for a moment but it made him want to throw up, so he quickly erased the thought from his mind. If he thought about it anymore...he didn't want Baz to talk him through a panic attack. 
                          
"We haven't, if that's what you're thinking. I'm completely gay, remember?"
                          
Simon nodded, unsure of what to say. 
                          
"Anyway, I'm glad she did it. It feels...well it feels like I can do anything. And I don't know what your thoughts are about all of this, or even about me for that matter, but I'm still...well, you can have this," he said, gesturing to himself. "If you want it."
                          
"I do," Simon said softly. 
                          
Baz raised his eyebrows. 
                          
"But I can't. We can't."
                          
"Snow, I don't understand. If you want this, and I want this, I don't understand what we're holding back for."
                          
"Just because you're on a break doesn't mean you're broken up," Simon argued. "And it wouldn't be fair for you to cheat on Agatha. Even if you don't like her."
                          
Baz sighed. "I suppose that's true, but what if we just assume, just for a moment, that Wellbelove is through with me? What then, Snow?"
                          
Baz was leaning across the counter. He was so close to Simon—if he moved just a little bit, his lips would be against Baz's. They would be kissing. 
                          
"Then I would finally be able to kiss you," Simon whispered. "Which is what I've wanted to do since I met you. Even when we broke up. I drove myself mad thinking about kissing you."
                          
Baz leaned in more. Their noses brushed. 
                          
"Then what are you waiting for, Snow?"
                          
Baz kissed him then. Softly. Slowly. Simon allowed himself to relish in it for a moment—in the feeling of Baz's cool lips against his own. In the feeling of finally coming home. But then he pulled himself away. 
                          
It wasn't right. Not for him, not for Baz, not for Agatha. This was all wrong—it wasn't how it was supposed to be. 
                          
"I can't," Simon whispered. "We can't. I thought—I think that I can't do this when you're not...when you can't be mine. Not really."
                          
Baz sucked in a breath and moved away. 
                          
Simon missed him already. 
                          
"Because of my father?"
                          
Simon nodded. 
                          
"I...My apologies, Snow. Truly. I know that it's not fair for you—that none of this is fair for you—"
                          
"It's not fair for you either. Or for Agatha."
                          
Baz nodded. 
                          
"When you guys are done for good, and if you tell your dad...Baz, I really mean it. I still...I'm still totally in love with you. And it's killing me that we can't have this."
                          
Baz's eyes were blown wide in surprise. "You said it," he marveled. "You said—"
                          
"I love you," Simon said again. "I do. It's taken me a while to—I had to figure things out. But I do."
                          
"I love you, too, Simon. More than anything."
                          
Simon smiled at him. "Good. Then we can wait for this to be right. For it to be good for everyone. I'll wait for you, Baz. I'll always wait for you."